My microwave’s display flashes “FOOD IS READY” when the timer hits zero. How does the microwave know the food is ready? It doesn’t know. It’s a liar. If you place a chicken breast in the microwave, and set the timer for 30 seconds, does that mean the chicken is done when the microwave beeps three [...]
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October Advisory
October Advisory: Beware Fall Colors (41 seconds mp3)
Toilet Training
I’ve struggled with the toilet at work since I arrived four months ago. It took me a few weeks to figure out the proper sequence and timing of flushes to evacuate the bowl. I would flush, wait a second, add an additional flush, and then a final flush a second later to finish it off. [...]
Debate Watch Tips 2012
Tips for how to watch a debate. (27 seconds mp3)
Romney’s Got A Three-Punch Plan
Romney’s Got A Three Punch Plan (2:37 mp3)
Three-hole punch a woman
Man on the street: Bindergate (2:51 mp3)
Studio audience laughs at me, I go Godfather on their asses
I hurt my leg, the audience laughs, I go Godfather (52 sec mp3)
Christopher Columbus Advisory
Christopher Columbus Advisory (34-second mp3)
Sesame Street Woes Aggravate Carbuncle
Sesame Street Woes Aggravate Carbuncle (91 second mp3)
Medium Bird speaks out
BigBirdGate 2012: An Interview with Medium Bird. 95 seconds.
How to watch the Chiefs
How to watch the Chiefs (23 seconds)
Three Vladimirs go to Mars, I think
Vladimir Putins’ trips to Mars (1:22 mp3)
IKEA!
IKEA is coming to Kansas City in 2014, and the metro couldn’t be happier. IKEA is coming (49 sec mp3)
Bacon shortage business boom at Porky Expresso
After a five year break, I’m back on the radio. Afternoons 3-7 on K-Jo 105.5 in St. Joe. Anyway, how about a show clip? Woo. Rumors swirled about Bacon Shortage of 2013. It’s hoaxish, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have mass hysteria. Stooks Reporter Steve Schnell caught up with Hanna Illbean from the Porky [...]
Caps askew
Have you seen the teen who runs around with his ball cap askew? The bill is perfectly flat. It’s in the two o’clock position. Why not point the bill straight ahead? It would give equal shade to both eyes. If the sun were at two o’clock, it would make sense to point the cap that [...]
A bear ass
If Charmin’s toilet paper is good enough for a bear’s asshole, it must be good enough for mine. Bears have notoriously sensitive assholes. While camping, one should take care to hide any and all deluxe toilet paper and baby wipes. In the event of an attack, wipe the bear asshole with leaves.
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Spare change and cigarettes
Dear bum, Stop asking me for spare change. I don’t have spare change. I have change that I’ve yet to spend. If the monetary system collapses and my change ceases to have worth, I will have spare change. I also don’t have an extra cigarette for you. I don’t have cigarettes for myself. And, if [...]
Tip the drive-thru beggar
One type of homeless creates a drive-thru for begging. The homeless will choose a high-traffic intersection with rare pedestrian traffic. A drive-thru begger has a tiny cardboard sign with illegible writing. If you give him money, he could buy a Sharpie, make a better sign, then get high off the Sharpie. Or maybe he should [...]
Sasquatch 4
Sasquatch 4 (58 second mp3)
