Category Archives: Uncategorized

Katy Perry at the Democratic Convention

Steve Schnell reports on Katy Perry’s performance, and her friends who joined her on stage. http://stooks.fm/dnckatyperry.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:50 — 862.5KB)

Pokemon Username and Password

Out-Of-App Purchase http://stooks.tv/pokemonforcash.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:43 — 807.2KB)

Excessive Heat Warning

Tips to stay cool. http://stooks.tv/excessiveheat20160720.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:27 — 210.2KB)

Pokemon Well Hunt

What are your coordinates? http://stooks.tv/pokemonwellhunt.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:04 — 500.0KB)

Pokemon Church Hunt

Must catch at least one… http://stooks.tv/pokemonchurchhunt.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:34 — 736.6KB)

Man on the Street: Pokemon

Pokemongate 2016 http://stooks.tv/pokemongate2016.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:37 — 755.9KB)

Pokemon Horseback Hunt

The hunt continues… http://stooks.tv/pokemonhorsehunt.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:22 — 639.8KB)

Pokemon Helicopter Hunt

Gotta catch em all…from the sky. http://stooks.tv/pokemonhelicopterhunt.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:49 — 854.3KB)

Pokemon River Hunt

Pokemon Go is sweeping the nation. http://stooks.tv/pokemonriverhunt.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:57 — 663.7KB)

Fireworks While Driving

“Taylor Swift” calls in to shoot off some fireworks over the phone. http://stooks.tv/taylorswiftfire.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:57 — 892.3KB)

Artisanal Aerial Fireworks

Handmade with care. http://stooks.tv/artisinalaerialfireworks.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:43 — 333.5KB)

Merry Mattresses

May all of your mattresses be merry. http://stooks.tv/merrymattresses.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:25 — 388.6KB)

Bjork’s Forks

For all of your fork needs, Bjork’s Forks. http://stooks.tv/bjorksforks.mp3Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:27 — 420.9KB)

Handmade

Gas station food is underrated. However, gas station food branded as “handmade” is inferior to “machine-made” for marketing at such an establishment. Do I want the gas station people’s hands in my gas station pizza? No thanks. A machine that makes my pizza, now that would be delightful.

Workplace small talk

After thorough testing, I can’t recommend this particular small-talk template: Me: How’s it going? Coworker: It’s going. Me: Well, that’s better than it being stopped. Coworker: silence

Warning

STAY BACK 200 FEET NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKEN WINDSHIELDS DUE TO OUR EXCESSIVE SPEED AND/OR OTHER RECKLESSNESS. IF WE CUT YOU OFF WITHIN THE 200-FEET BUFFER, BLAST OUT YOUR WINDSHIELD WITH GRAVEL, AND MURDER YOUR FAMILY, THEN YOU SHOULD’VE GOT BACK 200 FEET QUICKER. IMMUNITY WARNING MESSAGE COMPLETE.

Disclaimer

The views of this weblog do not necessarily reflect the views of its owner, its staff, its writer, or anyone who has ever existed or will exist in the future.

A bear ass, revisited

In the post “A bear ass”, I argue that toilet paper ads indicate bears have sensitive assholes, therefore bears require Charmin or some other high-end brand. Now, I’ve come to the realization that dingleberries might be a contributing factor. I could see a comfortable, absorbent two-ply toilet paper wiping out dingleberries in a more efficient […]

Smartphone at the stoplight

The “text and die” campaign is a failure. Drivers can’t stop murdering on the roadways. I suggest a different slogan: “Text at the stoplight, accelerate late, and feel the fury of a dozen eyes in the six cars trapped behind you.”

Fireworks

Flame at the hands of man. Conquer species, conquer the world, then drink and blow stuff up for fun. Man’s evolution.

“I could care less”

“Do you mean you couldn’t care less?” “No. I could care less. Give me more info. I’m only going to continue to care less and less to the point that I couldn’t possibly care less.”

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

In this 90-second podcast, we learn the real lesson from the Brady Bunch episode “Her sister’s shadow”. http://mattstooks.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/sistersshadow20150222.mp3Podcast: Download (1.4MB)

Unsubscribe

I subscribed to a variety of newsletters at checkout through the years. Hoping to score big savings from a variety of online vendors, I allowed constant assault on my inbox. I needed to ween myself off e-newsletters. Upon unsubscription, most online merchants politely complied. The remaining merchants complied and bid adieu, but warned it might […]

Adam’s tragic Valentine’s greeting

Fake Adam Levine called the show to deliver a tragic Valentine’s greeting. (137 seconds) http://mattstooks.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/jasonadamfri1320150214.mp3Podcast: Download (1.0MB)

Ikea Campout

The high cost of free sofas (59 seconds) http://mattstooks.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/ikeafired20140912.mp3Podcast: Download (2.3MB)

This American Life: Lip smacks only

Sick of sitting through a full hour of This American Life just so you can get your “Ira Glass Lip Smack” fix? Enjoy my edit of an episode of This American Life (16 seconds). http://mattstooks.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/iralipsmackinggood20140410.mp3Podcast: Download (644.8KB)

Roadside Memorials

Why erect a roadside memorial? Typically a cross with flowers and a photo, the roadside memorial marks the life of a loved one at the exact death spot. Is the intention to honor the dead? To promote safe driving? To protect the highway via the deceased souls? Regardless of the intent, the roadside memorial distracts […]

Important Message from Target

Dear loyal Target customer, Did you hear? Criminals broke into our system and might now own your debit and credit card data. I thought I should tell you they might have also stolen your name, mailing address, phone number or email address. Possibly all of those things. Probably. I am writing to tell you that […]

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Scab picking

I’ve picked a scab or two. Removing a scab is like removing a body part that regenerates. If we could do the same thing with arms, we’d be tearing them off left and right.

This blog is trash

And the majority of its visitors are from searches for “purple candy corn.” You meant to be looking at this post.

Remembering Facebook

I quit Facebook two months ago. I no longer know the pets of people I barely spoke to in high school.

Where there’s smoke…

It was only a matter of time until jalapeños were added to Salmonella Watch: 2008.  Fiery deuces abound.

Remember the sexist and racist grandpas?

Many things were labeled “racist” or “sexist” during the primary season. A lot of these went over my head. For example, some said that Hillary’s 3 AM ad had obvious racial overtones. I swear I heard one political douche accuse the ad of saying something along the lines of “Oh, it’s three in the morning, […]

Prepping for a flood

Dad called me at 10:20 Thursday morning. Five minutes earlier, he found out it might be a good idea to prepare the house at Big Lake for a flood. A storm was coming, and the Missouri River might decide to make itself at home. We arrived at the house at 1:00. The living room got […]

Noodle Raft

A good alternative to a raft requires a good ab workout to maintain.

Dammit mom

You had to go and warn me about cottonwood allergies at Big Lake.  I had to go and call “nonsense” on that.  I woke up today and my throat was killing me.  I guess it’s Claritin season, after all.

Lawrence Street Performers

Playing alone with your Wii

The Wii sucks at online gameplay.  I come across this criticism fairly often online (an example here). I dabbled with online play with my Xbox when Xbox Live first came around.  I wasn’t all that thrilled with it, but I see why so many gamers love it: They never have to leave their apartment or […]

Eliot Spitzer Night

Check out the Macon Music’s “Eliot Spitzer Night.” 1. The Music have extended an invitation for former New York Governor Spitzer to be on hand and throw out the first pitch 2. The team will give away a New York Vacation including a one night stay at the MayFlower Hotel 3. Client #9 (or fan […]

Hillary at Bob Evans

Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop at a Bob Evans in Ohio. “In case this other endeavor I’m involved in doesn’t work out, I know I can come back to Bob Evans.” I think we all can agree that Hillary owes Bob Evans workers an apology.  Besides, who’s she to think she could get any […]

Set aside 40 minutes

My friend and former colleague, Chris Casey, uploaded “Freak,” his best film yet. I’ll embed it here, but you should really go to the video’s home page so you can watch it fullscreen.

Facebook loves me

Check out what the guys at Facebook (my profile here) sent me. You read correctly. The guys at Facebook went out of their way, on New Year’s, to personally wish me a happy birthday and a great day. Jealous? UPDATE: It’s come to my attention that some kind of snazzy magic, known as “code,” is […]

High-level fandome

What exactly does the tiger tail on this car indicate? A. I’m a Missouri Tiger fan and this is my car’s tail. B. I hate the Missouri Tigers, and I’ve got one in my trunk.

Say it ain’t so, Dolph

I’m watching one of the multi-weekly airings of Rocky IV on TV. I remembered hearing that Dolph Lundgren, aka “The Russian,” was some kind of genius. I went to his Wikipedia page for a refresher.  He has a master’s degree in chemical engineering. I was a little thrown off when I learned he was Swedish.  […]

Reality check

Ever since the High Lady called last week, I’ve been off my game with the blog. I thought I should address this so you know I’m aware of it and taking the necessary steps to fix the problem (huffing more fingernail polish). Thanks for your support during this time of crisis.

The Prayer Booth

I spent a fun night in Lawrence Saturday. The hangover food at Mirth Internet Cafe was a nice finish to the weekend. I didn’t see anyone using the Internet, but the cafe part was quite enjoyable. After one visit, it’s right up there with Milton’s as one of my favorite all-time breakfast joints in Lawrence. […]

Over promise, under deliver

I’m very disappointed in USA Today for a misleading tease in today’s paper. They were plugging an online poll related to the “Michael Vick indicted for dog fights/murders” story. The story talks about killing under-performing dogs through hanging and electrocution. “Vote for what you think should happen to Vick” has so many creative possibilities as […]

My first picture text

Text-message rape forced me into joining the text message gestapo about six months ago. This morning, I awoke to find a picture text message on my phone. If you didn’t know, my phone is ancient. I think I’ve had it four years. So, if someone sends me a picture text, I have to enter the […]

Pack that box!

I’m moving the rest of my stuff from Manhattan back to Kansas City this weekend. I’ve done a good job organizing stuff until this box. There’s a lamp, an imitation Tupperware of imitation flour, a deck of cards, the pump for my fitness ball, some junk mail, a foil baking pan and an unopened Rubik’s […]