Category Archives: advertising

A bear ass

If Charmin’s toilet paper is good enough for a bear’s asshole, it must be good enough for mine. Bears have notoriously sensitive assholes. While camping, one should take care to hide any and all deluxe toilet paper and baby wipes. In the event of an attack, wipe the bear asshole with leaves.

Disturbing DIRECTV ad

Does this bother you?  It feels a little dirty to me.

How many phone books do you need?

For a three-bedroom, two-bath house, the answer is this many: Why can’t I opt out of this waste?  Shezzus.

Hello, telemarketer

I got a free landline and cable with my Internet from SureWest. Today, I found a cordless phone in one of my boxes and decided to give the old landline a try.  I enjoyed talking to my parents without worrying about frying my cell battery.   However, I got two telemarketer calls tonight.  One was […]

Great Hummer deals!

If you have no problem paying for the gas, or people vandalizing it, or everyone thinking you’re an asshole – you can get great financing on a Hummer.  I’d say Hummer dealerships will start vanishing soon.  Thank god.  This vehicle was designed for pricks – small ones.

Grimace: The Walking Purple Candy Corn

I’ve figured out Grimace.  He’s a walking purple candy corn.

Totino’s scary quality assurance

From my blog in November: Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli. Tonight, when I loaded my supreme Totino’s Party Pizza into the oven, I noticed a change on the package. Yes, Totino’s assures the quality of this fine […]

Don’t confuse the cheap beer drinkers

Natty Light redesigned its can last summer. Within the last month, the new Busch Light cans started showing up in my 30 packs. The result is unacceptable. These cans are way too similar. The fonts are all set at the exact same angle, the amount of blue exposed at the top is almost identical, and […]

Quick, call the Cap’n!

In this time of economic uncertainty, Americans are tightening their belts. This presents the perfect opportunity for Cap’n Crunch to save the day once more. We haven’t seen a new variety of Cap’n Crunch since Christmas Crunch began brightening our holidays in 1988. Twenty years later, I propose Cred’t Crunch. Cred’t Crunch will strip Cap’n […]

The creepiest mascot ever

Check out the scary Phillips 66 mascot, “Captain PROclean.” Captain PROclean’s special powers include pumping gas and leering at loved ones’ tender embraces. I will be having nightmares about this character.

My future wife

Thanks to the TiVo commercial below, I now know exactly what I want in a woman. I want to get ready in the morning while my future wife jams and sings at our grand piano. I own travel Scrabble. It’s awesome. Check it out here. After we’re done playing piano together, we’ll go to the […]

Mucus

I’ve got a cold.  I could use some Mucinex, but I don’t want some cashier knowing I’ve got animated blobs of mucus setting up house in my lungs.  Anyone else need something shoplifted from CVS? Mucus: A karaoke disaster

Damn you, NBC!

I know some people who would be very disappointed to see NBC omit the howling Gladiator “Wolf” from the below web ad. NBC has gone through some tough times since “Friends” left the air.  Omitting the hilariously stupid Wolf from advertisements just shows you how incompetent this network has become.   “Howl.”

Subway Jared needs to go away immediately

Subway Jared has been packing on the pounds.  Check out this profile shot from his ridiculous appearance on CBS’ NFL Today. Obviously this ad campaign is working, otherwise Subway wouldn’t parade him all over TV. Why, despite Jared’s reoccurring girth, do people still look to him for inspiration?  How many people could possibly look at […]

What you’re missing on MySpace

If you don’t have a MySpace account (my page here), you’re missing out on a whole different world of advertising. Screenshot. Sorry, you can’t play. It kind of sucks for the dude (he’s a dude, right?) in the picture. I’m guessing he didn’t get paid much to play the humiliating role of “Guess the Gender” […]

Buscemi vs Norm

I can understand Norm MacDonald caving, but I thought there were enough “ugly evil guy” roles to keep Steve Buscemi from voicing a ginger bread man in a “Go Phone” commercial. The world ain’t right.

Hydroderm yourself a new face

This ad for “Hydroderm” is ridiculous. The left side of her face suffered at the hands of an acid spill, apparently. Look what happens when you make a complete face out of each half. With Hydroderm, your gray hair disappears, your face plumps up, your eyes become brighter, but unfortunately, you can no longer comfortably […]

Pubey hair and urine sweat

I’m watching the KU-Pitt State basketball game. The broadcast has already horrified me twice, only 30 minutes into the game. First off, Sasha Kaun is sporting a giant pubic mass on his head. I hope to God he doesn’t keep growing this thing out. It already looks much more pubic than the picture below. UPDATE: […]

Lipitor conflict of interest?

Lipitor has a commercial based on an endorsement from Richard Jarvik, inventor of the artificial heart. But wouldn’t you say the inventor of the artificial heart would want people’s hearts to fail so he can put a baboon heart in them? And, I’ve yet to meet a single person with an artificial heart. It’s hardly […]

iPhone: For Morons

Have you seen the new iPhone ads with the douches talking about why they needed an iPhone? One particular ad annoys the hell out of me. The guy talks about how he had to carry a bag around to hold all of his electronic devices. Yes, I’ve done the same, but this guy’s reasoning is […]

Free taco!

I’m shocked at the free publicity for Taco Bell’s “Steal a Base, Steal a Taco” promotion (bold mine). There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series matchup since 1990. When the first base is stolen, the unit of Yum Brands Inc, will announce a Tuesday afternoon when consumers will be able […]

The muscles under your fat ass

I love weight loss advertising. Lose nine pounds every 11 days, and show off the meticulously sculpted muscles hiding beneath years of Double Stuf Oreos and Maury consumption.

Free advertising!

I always find it funny when a bunch of people get pissed and go after a business, intending harm. The latest involves three businesses in Johnson County. A grand jury indicted them for promoting obscenity. Hollywood at Home for four DVDs, Spirit Halloween for obscene costumes, and Priscilla’s for five sex toys and a videos. […]

Mrs. Butterworth needs gastric bypass

Poor Mrs. Butterworth. She’s fallen on hard times. Years removed from her TV stardom in the 80s, she’s turned to a life of gluttony, her face and defining curves disappearing into an undefined blob.

If you thought it was funny the first time…

“If you thought Superbad was funny the first time, just wait ’til you see it the second time.” I’m not trying to pick on Superbad, as I would like to see it, but I’ve had enough of this “If you thought (blank) was (blank) the first time, just wait ’til you see it the second […]

I thought musicians were more virile

What happens when six perpetually flaccid, yet musically inclined, buddies all discover Viagra at the same time? Take a look.

No, you’re Carl Weathers or Apollo Creed

I’m not a big fan of commercials that take an obvious Carl Weathers and place him in a role such as “Alex Keeth, President of Old Spice Marketing.” If you can’t take Carl Weathers and put him into a commercial as either Carl Weathers or Apollo Creed, you have a problem. In fact, if the […]

The return of the Delorean?

The Delorean might make a comeback. Now Christopher Lloyd can pimp something other than DirecTV. Every one of those DirecTV commercials depresses me in a profound way.

Job search competition

I just found out I’m competing against Andre Agassi in my job search.

Little Caesar’s cruel marketing

The hotter it gets, the more likely you are to see some poor person as a walking ad for Little Caesar’s. This dude was standing at the corner of Santa Fe and Mur-Len in Olathe at 4:00/92 degrees today. At least he’s got some shade and a stalking cap. Yeah, I’m not really sure about […]