I like to fall asleep to crime shows, typically Forensic Files, on Youtube. The narrator said “If it could happen to their child, it could happen to anyone.” It seems like the narrator is saying the child is ugly.
I like to fall asleep to crime shows, typically Forensic Files, on Youtube. The narrator said “If it could happen to their child, it could happen to anyone.” It seems like the narrator is saying the child is ugly.
I have a lot of draft posts that remain in blog purgatory. I thought it’d be fun to share a draft from time to time. First up: Chewbacca lives a healthy lifestyle, subsidized by autograph seekers. No alcohol or drug addiction.
You know that guy who paints his face, and possibly his torso, for the big game? I take sick satisfaction watching him get sad, realizing his team is about to lose. At that moment, with his heart broken, he doesn’t remember that he’s painted. And then, he ends up on national TV with a sad…
A guy on the plane fell asleep with his noise-cancelling headphones on. His mouth was wide open. I thought about putting popcorn in it, but I didn’t have any popcorn.
It just happened again. I went exterior. I left my body. I looked down on me from above the ceiling fan. I observed me getting emotionally invested in adults throwing a ball around.
I don’t understand the “summon by loud honk” move that cars do outside my neighbors’ homes. “HONK! I’m here to pick you up!” We have cell phones. Some of them smart. Use the texting feature. “I’m here” could be a helpful message. Stop wrecking my life with your honks.
I want to buy an electric bicycle, and to live close enough to work to use it as my only transportation. Work is 60 miles away.
A car flew by me on the highway tonight. I daydreamed of it hitting debris, over correcting, and just missing the guardrails to plunge into the Missouri river below.
Someone contaminated the party, and two days later half the party got sick. I shat water off and on for 24 hours and managed not to puke. It’s embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as it would be to pass it onto someone else.
Gas station food is underrated. However, gas station food branded as “handmade” is inferior to “machine-made” for marketing at such an establishment. Do I want the gas station people’s hands in my gas station pizza? No thanks. A machine that makes my pizza, now that would be delightful.
After thorough testing, I can’t recommend this particular small-talk template: Me: How’s it going? Coworker: It’s going. Me: Well, that’s better than it being stopped. Coworker: silence
STAY BACK 200 FEET NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKEN WINDSHIELDS DUE TO OUR EXCESSIVE SPEED AND/OR OTHER RECKLESSNESS. IF WE CUT YOU OFF WITHIN THE 200-FEET BUFFER, BLAST OUT YOUR WINDSHIELD WITH GRAVEL, AND MURDER YOUR FAMILY, THEN YOU SHOULD’VE GOT BACK 200 FEET QUICKER. IMMUNITY WARNING MESSAGE COMPLETE.
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In the post “A bear ass”, I argue that toilet paper ads indicate bears have sensitive assholes, therefore bears require Charmin or some other high-end brand. Now, I’ve come to the realization that dingleberries might be a contributing factor. I could see a comfortable, absorbent two-ply toilet paper wiping out dingleberries in a more efficient…
The “text and die” campaign is a failure. Drivers can’t stop murdering on the roadways. I suggest a different slogan: “Text at the stoplight, accelerate late, and feel the fury of a dozen eyes in the six cars trapped behind you.”
Flame at the hands of man. Conquer species, conquer the world, then drink and blow stuff up for fun. Man’s evolution.
“Do you mean you couldn’t care less?” “No. I could care less. Give me more info. I’m only going to continue to care less and less to the point that I couldn’t possibly care less.”
I subscribed to a variety of newsletters at checkout through the years. Hoping to score big savings from a variety of online vendors, I allowed constant assault on my inbox. I needed to ween myself off e-newsletters. Upon unsubscription, most online merchants politely complied. The remaining merchants complied and bid adieu, but warned it might…
Why erect a roadside memorial? Typically a cross with flowers and a photo, the roadside memorial marks the life of a loved one at the exact death spot. Is the intention to honor the dead? To promote safe driving? To protect the highway via the deceased souls? Regardless of the intent, the roadside memorial distracts…
Dear loyal Target customer, Did you hear? Criminals broke into our system and might now own your debit and credit card data. I thought I should tell you they might have also stolen your name, mailing address, phone number or email address. Possibly all of those things. Probably. I am writing to tell you that…
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A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence. Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on. I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile. Screw waterboarding. If…
We went to Pittsburg, Kansas for a bachelor party last weekend. A treat was waiting on the hotel air conditioner upon our arrival. To repay the favor, we took turns soiling a condom and then slapped it on the mirror for the next guests’ enjoyment.
Dear everyone who feels the need to comment on my 1998 Corolla, I’m aware of the problems with my car. A brake light is smashed, I have to roll down my window to open the door from the outside, the sideview mirror is cracked, the washer fluid pump is broken, the cabin noise is high.…
Dear Insects of Summer, Yes, my skin is beautiful, delicious and a pleasure to suck on. But there’s not enough to go around for everybody. Lay off my shit for awhile. I’ll get you something nice. Promise. Matt
Check out the scary Phillips 66 mascot, “Captain PROclean.” Captain PROclean’s special powers include pumping gas and leering at loved ones’ tender embraces. I will be having nightmares about this character.
Dammit. My socks are itching me. Yes, I could do something about it, but my feet are all the way at the other end of my body. I’m reclining with my computer on my lap, further complicating the situation. Aha! My big toes were able to force the socks away from my affected ankles. It’s…
John McLaughlin says “If I flap my wings like this, I can fly!” Sorry, I took a screenshot of John McLaughlin thinking I could surely come up with something clever to say with it. This is the best I could do.
It’s icy and, therefore, cold outside. This is a nuisance. Haven’t you figured this out for yourself? Now, I finally know why Octobaby got rid of her extra limbs. That’s way too much surface area to keep warm. Six-legged long johns don’t come cheap
Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They’re quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you’re not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it’s quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can’t explain. It’s more of a “Did I just crap myself?”…