A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence. Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on. I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile. Screw waterboarding. If [...]
Category Archives: random nonsense
We went to Pittsburg, Kansas for a bachelor party last weekend. A treat was waiting on the hotel air conditioner upon our arrival. To repay the favor, we took turns soiling a condom and then slapped it on the mirror for the next guests’ enjoyment.
Dear everyone who feels the need to comment on my 1998 Corolla, I’m aware of the problems with my car. A brake light is smashed, I have to roll down my window to open the door from the outside, the sideview mirror is cracked, the washer fluid pump is broken, the cabin noise is high. [...]
Dear Insects of Summer, Yes, my skin is beautiful, delicious and a pleasure to suck on. But there’s not enough to go around for everybody. Lay off my shit for awhile. I’ll get you something nice. Promise. Matt
Check out the scary Phillips 66 mascot, “Captain PROclean.” Captain PROclean’s special powers include pumping gas and leering at loved ones’ tender embraces. I will be having nightmares about this character.
Dammit. My socks are itching me. Yes, I could do something about it, but my feet are all the way at the other end of my body. I’m reclining with my computer on my lap, further complicating the situation. Aha! My big toes were able to force the socks away from my affected ankles. It’s [...]
John McLaughlin says “If I flap my wings like this, I can fly!” Sorry, I took a screenshot of John McLaughlin thinking I could surely come up with something clever to say with it. This is the best I could do.
It’s icy and, therefore, cold outside. This is a nuisance. Haven’t you figured this out for yourself? Now, I finally know why Octobaby got rid of her extra limbs. That’s way too much surface area to keep warm. Six-legged long johns don’t come cheap
Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They’re quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you’re not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it’s quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can’t explain. It’s more of a “Did I just crap myself?” [...]
Read about Paris Hilton: Activist. Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton’s was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers’ homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage. [...]
My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I’d clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy. 1. No blankets allowed on a bar’s patio. I was on the [...]
Have you heard about the baby with eight limbs? As of this writing, the baby’s 40-hour surgery to remove her excess limbs is going quite well. Here are some of the twisted highlights: “We’ve managed to remove the parasitic twin out of Lakshmi’s body and started reconstructing her pelvic bone. We have managed to get [...]
I didn’t stay up late, I didn’t sleep in, and I ended up pissing away the only benefits of this whole time-change nonsense. When we lose an hour in the Fall, I know it’s going to end up being one of those days when I need a 24-hour day. The time-change benefits me in one [...]
I’m so proud of Christopher Burke for his Attorney General nomination. Which mortician is doing Laura Bush’s makeup? Oops, forgot the bite marks.
I changed the header of this website today. I think it’s fun. Especially since you can stare at the “Matt Stooks.com” part and it kinda messes with your head, thanks to it’s quasi-three-dimensionality. You see that!? How the subhead totally plays off the header? I kick ass.
All this Goulet talk has me thinking about Lou Ferrigno. “I’m twice the size of Chris Benoit, and I never even killed a kitten!”
Goddammit, pork chop, you burnt my tongue! Why you gotta smell so good to trick me into eating you before a proper blowing?
The Kansas City Star publishes many letters that make no sense. Here’s one, with my thoughts included: Rate your life To determine a proper medical treatment, you may be asked, “On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your pain?” With this information the doctor is better able to help. Where is my pain [...]
There are a number of ways people come to mattstooks.com. Most visitors have the site bookmarked, some come over from my MySpace, Facebook or YouTube pages. A few people come to the website through web search. Check out the breakdown of search strings that have brought people to the site this month. My personal favorites [...]
I’ve seen this “Dancer Test” a couple different places over the last week, and thought I’d share it with you in case you missed it. You’re supposed to look at the dancer spinning. Some people see her turning clockwise, and others see her turning counterclockwise. How you interpret her supposedly tells whether you’re right-brained or [...]