Category Archives: toilet

A bear ass

If Charmin’s toilet paper is good enough for a bear’s asshole, it must be good enough for mine. Bears have notoriously sensitive assholes. While camping, one should take care to hide any and all deluxe toilet paper and baby wipes. In the event of an attack, wipe the bear asshole with leaves.

Hot off the toilet

The Dusty Bookshelf sells previously owned books.  One of the sections is “New Arrivals.”  I avoid this section, as these books have been near feces more recently than the books living in other sections.  “New Arrivals” should really be “Hot off the toilet.”

Diarrhea farts

Ninety percent of my job involves face-to-face interactions with the general public.  A fair number of these people emit foul odors. Today, I was working with a lady and her male companion.  Both were in their 50s.  Toward the end of our long discussion, the smell of liquid scat filled the air.  Was it truly […]

Where there’s smoke…

It was only a matter of time until jalapeños were added to Salmonella Watch: 2008.  Fiery deuces abound.

Psychopathic Purell users

I made the dreaded trip to Price Chopper to stock up on groceries today. While the woman in front of me was taking her time writing her out of town check and trying to get cash back, I had plenty of time to browse the impulse buys.  Among them were bottles of Purell for your […]

Doctor Diarrhea

Google Trends is a pretty cool tool for seeing what the world is searching for over a given time period.  I subscribe to an RSS feed in Google Reader that delivers the latest hot trends.  Some pretty random stuff shows up.  For example, tonight’s 11 pm feed shows Habba Syndrome at number 13.   What is […]

That "not so fresh" feeling

Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They’re quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you’re not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it’s quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can’t explain. It’s more of a “Did I just crap myself?” […]

The Unisex Toilet

I went to Tomfooleries for happy hour last night. The food was great, the drink specials were on target, but the bathroom situation was a little disconcerting. We sat in the fairly new upstairs area, which probably seats about 100 people, maybe more. One unisex toilet was in place to serve this area. The unisex […]

Cider Fest 2007

Cider Fest is this weekend in Louisburg. I have other plans, but if you’re looking to blow out your colon, Cider Fest is the way to go. The festivities start with a pancake breakfast from 9 to 11 a.m. followed by a barbecue from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. Live music and entertainment begin at […]

The Toilet Paper Shuffle

Once or twice a year, I have to do the toilet paper shuffle. The latest incident was at my friend Tony’s place in Chicago. I noticed the short supply of toilet paper on the roll as I was completing my pinch. I conserved the paper as best I could, but was still one wipe short. […]

RIP: The "Wide Stance"

Thanks to Larry Craig, law-abiding visitors to public restrooms can no longer sit upon the toilet with a wide stance. The senator then tapped his right foot, “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct,” Karsnia wrote, and Craig ran his left hand several times underneath the partition dividing the stalls. The […]