When I hear “failed stimulus,” I think of someone not appreciating a finger in the butt.
Matt Stooks.com
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Category Archives: politics
Voting!
I voted today. Can you guess which municipality received my help? No fair guessing if I hung out with you immediately before or after voting. As an added bonus, we will see how few people still read this crappy blog. USA! USA! USA!
Honk for chaos and general disarray
On my drive home from work on Ward Parkway, several war protestors were stationed at the fountains roundabout. Among their signs was one that read “Honk for Peace.” I would say a bunch of cars honking during rush hour leads to the exact opposite of peace.
Clay Aiken for VP!!!
Do I really need to provide commentary?
Drill, baby, drill
Can you believe the crowd at the Republican National Convention taunted Sarah Palin’s pregnant teenage daughter with chants of “Drill, baby, drill” this week? What won’t the Republicans do?
A letter to God
Dear God, Do you know how many times “God bless America” has been uttered this week? Yeah, lots. In prime time, too. And it’s always at the end of the speeches, when everyone is paying attention. And then we drop balloons or shoot off fireworks or some combination of the two. According to my count, [...]
The Palin checklist
Alaskan for oil drilling: Check Penchant for power abuse: Check Unaborted Down Syndrome baby: Check Pregnant teenage daughter with parental support: Check Son in Iraq: Check Sexy Librarian glasses: Check Boobs: Check Aggressive foreign policy rhetoric: Give us some time. We just found this woman last week.
Old Man McCain
I’m not worried he’ll die in office. His longevity concerns me, nonetheless. If he causes the world to explode, he really didn’t have much time left, anyway. It’s like letting a rapist go on a Girls Gone Wild photoshoot right before you castrate him. Sorry, that’s the first analogy that popped into my head.
The Olympics are on. Do something awful.
Like a child distracted by jingling car keys, we’re all too busy creaming ourselves over Phelps to see anything else. John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the Presidential campaign she encouraged him to run, even though she was in awful shape. Russia worked up a massive boner and has been waving it in [...]
Plants are overrated
A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence. Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on. I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile. Screw waterboarding. If [...]
With our boringness combined…
In a stunning turn of events, Sunday’s Meet The Press managed to put the most amount of boring on a television set in the history of the medium. When’s Russert coming back from vacation to clean this place up?
The Chinese Olympics
Have you heard? The Olympics are in China. China will regret this. The focus of these games will be on how China treats its people, not on the tired storyline of records falling thanks to new technology. Journalists and spectators from around the world will experience a censored Internet. The Internet is essential to journalists. [...]
Let’s overmedicate!
CNN: A 700 percent increase in Heath Ledger disease. Deaths from medication mistakes at home, such as actor Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose, rose dramatically during the past two decades, an analysis of U.S. death certificates finds. The authors blame soaring home use of prescription painkillers and other potent drugs, which 25 years ago were given [...]
FW: Bullshit
I heard it on the Internet that Barack Obama blew off American soldiers in Afghanistan. A friend forwarded an email from a soldier who said Obama didn’t even look at soldiers during his visit last week. He didn’t thank them for their service. Then, I remembered a thing called “Google.” I searched for the author’s [...]
Breaking: People still racist
CNN: Paul Street, author of the forthcoming book, “Barack Obama and the Future of American Politics,” says Obama risks becoming an Oval Office version of talk-show host Oprah Winfrey. She and former Secretary of State Colin Powell are African-American figures whose popularity allows some white Americans to congratulate themselves for not being racist, he says. [...]
The day I dumped Obama
Did you see Obama’s 3-pointer? Obama’s 3-point prowess has rendered him a useless candidate for me. His brilliant stroke heightens an already intense insecurity in my basketball skills. I guess it was only a matter of time until an Obama gaffe cost him my vote. He has lost the all important “Who would you like [...]
And now, I fix gas prices
LA Times: With the Games due to start in less than three weeks, Beijing today cranked up anti-pollution measures by yanking cars off the roads, expanding mass transit and staggering work hours in a bid to meet its pledge of a “green” Olympics. Maybe we should just let China have every Olympics for now on. [...]
The menacing Al Gore
Al Gore tells Katie Couric he won’t be VP. Gore: I’ve imposed a personal term limit of two terms as VP. Couric: So absolutely nothing could get you to jump on board. Gore: I … Katie … Couric: This interview will come back to haunt you if you say it without … Gore: This interview [...]
You liberal!
I’ve been getting a decent amount of traffic from CNN.com on my post “Classified B.S.“ CNN shows blogs linking to their articles. I love the idea. Anyhow, I got into a comment-fest with a new reader. I thought I’d share one of my replies on the front page. Jake, Thanks for discussing this. It’s a [...]
Castratation sounds so much worse
The AP tries to clean up a quote. Jackson apologized last week after being caught saying on an open microphone that he wanted to castrate Obama for speaking down to blacks. The original quote, “I want to cut his nuts off” is far less offensive than the word “castrate” in this context. “I want to [...]
