Category Archives: politics

Failed stimulus

When I hear “failed stimulus,” I think of someone not appreciating a finger in the butt.

Voting!

I voted today.  Can you guess which municipality received my help?  No fair guessing if I hung out with you immediately before or after voting.  As an added bonus, we will see how few people still read this crappy blog. USA!  USA!  USA!

Honk for chaos and general disarray

On my drive home from work on Ward Parkway, several war protestors were stationed at the fountains roundabout.   Among their signs was one that read “Honk for Peace.”   I would say a bunch of cars honking during rush hour leads to the exact opposite of peace.

Clay Aiken for VP!!!

Do I really need to provide commentary?  

Drill, baby, drill

Can you believe the crowd at the Republican National Convention taunted Sarah Palin’s pregnant teenage daughter with chants of “Drill, baby, drill” this week?  What won’t the Republicans do?

A letter to God

Dear God, Do you know how many times “God bless America” has been uttered this week?  Yeah, lots.  In prime time, too.  And it’s always at the end of the speeches, when everyone is paying attention.  And then we drop balloons or shoot off fireworks or some combination of the two. According to my count, […]

The Palin checklist

Alaskan for oil drilling: Check Penchant for power abuse: Check Unaborted Down Syndrome baby: Check Pregnant teenage daughter with parental support: Check Son in Iraq: Check Sexy Librarian glasses: Check Boobs: Check Aggressive foreign policy rhetoric: Give us some time. We just found this woman last week.

Old Man McCain

I’m not worried he’ll die in office.  His longevity concerns me, nonetheless.  If he causes the world to explode, he really didn’t have much time left, anyway.  It’s like letting a rapist go on a Girls Gone Wild photoshoot right before you castrate him.  Sorry, that’s the first analogy that popped into my head.

The Olympics are on. Do something awful.

Like a child distracted by jingling car keys, we’re all too busy creaming ourselves over Phelps to see anything else. John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the Presidential campaign she encouraged him to run, even though she was in awful shape. Russia worked up a massive boner and has been waving it in […]

Plants are overrated

A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence.  Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on. I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile. Screw waterboarding.  If […]

With our boringness combined…

In a stunning turn of events, Sunday’s Meet The Press managed to put the most amount of boring on a television set in the history of the medium. When’s Russert coming back from vacation to clean this place up?

The Chinese Olympics

Have you heard?  The Olympics are in China.  China will regret this.  The focus of these games will be on how China treats its people, not on the tired storyline of records falling thanks to new technology. Journalists and spectators from around the world will experience a censored Internet.  The Internet is essential to journalists.  […]

Let’s overmedicate!

CNN: A 700 percent increase in Heath Ledger disease. Deaths from medication mistakes at home, such as actor Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose, rose dramatically during the past two decades, an analysis of U.S. death certificates finds. The authors blame soaring home use of prescription painkillers and other potent drugs, which 25 years ago were given […]

FW: Bullshit

I heard it on the Internet that Barack Obama blew off American soldiers in Afghanistan.  A friend forwarded an email from a soldier who said Obama didn’t even look at soldiers during his visit last week.  He didn’t thank them for their service. Then, I remembered a thing called “Google.”  I searched for the author’s […]

Breaking: People still racist

CNN: Paul Street, author of the forthcoming book, “Barack Obama and the Future of American Politics,” says Obama risks becoming an Oval Office version of talk-show host Oprah Winfrey. She and former Secretary of State Colin Powell are African-American figures whose popularity allows some white Americans to congratulate themselves for not being racist, he says. […]

The day I dumped Obama

Did you see Obama’s 3-pointer? Obama’s 3-point prowess has rendered him a useless candidate for me.  His brilliant stroke heightens an already intense insecurity in my basketball skills. I guess it was only a matter of time until an Obama gaffe cost him my vote.  He has lost the all important “Who would you like […]

And now, I fix gas prices

LA Times: With the Games due to start in less than three weeks, Beijing today cranked up anti-pollution measures by yanking cars off the roads, expanding mass transit and staggering work hours in a bid to meet its pledge of a “green” Olympics. Maybe we should just let China have every Olympics for now on.  […]

The menacing Al Gore

Al Gore tells Katie Couric he won’t be VP. Gore: I’ve imposed a personal term limit of two terms as VP. Couric: So absolutely nothing could get you to jump on board. Gore: I … Katie … Couric: This interview will come back to haunt you if you say it without … Gore: This interview […]

You liberal!

I’ve been getting a decent amount of traffic from CNN.com on my post “Classified B.S.”  CNN shows blogs linking to their articles.  I love the idea. Anyhow, I got into a comment-fest with a new reader.  I thought I’d share one of my replies on the front page. Jake, Thanks for discussing this. It’s a […]

Castratation sounds so much worse

The AP tries to clean up a quote. Jackson apologized last week after being caught saying on an open microphone that he wanted to castrate Obama for speaking down to blacks. The original quote, “I want to cut his nuts off” is far less offensive than the word “castrate” in this context. “I want to […]

Satirical attack squads

The Obama campaign doesn’t like The New Yorker’s new cover. The cover, published Sunday, shows Obama in the Oval Office dressed in traditional Muslim attire. His wife, Michelle, wears an Afro hairstyle and has a machine gun slung over her back. An American flag can be seen burning in the fireplace, and a picture of […]

Classified BS

Here’s something that doesn’t make sense. The Transportation Security Administration rejected as a “myth” CNN’s report that less than 1 percent of the nation’s daily flights carry armed federal air marshals. Now the agency is conducting an investigation into who talked to CNN and who encouraged other agents to do the same. Spokesman Christopher White […]

China’s bait and switch

So, you decided to throw down some extreme coin to watch the Olympics in China.  You look forward to scoping the scene and maybe enjoying some authentic Chinese cuisine.  Then, the jerks go and take dog meat off the menu.

I’m worth more than I thought

Good, if creepy, information to know. The “value of a statistical life” is $6.9 million, the Environmental Protection Agency reckoned in May — a drop of nearly $1 million from just five years ago. When drawing up regulations, government agencies put a value on human life and then weigh the costs versus the lifesaving benefits […]

Jesse Jackson’s open mic

Does anything stand out in this story?  Besides the “cut his nuts off” part? The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized Wednesday for “crude and hurtful” remarks he made about Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama after finishing an interview with a Fox News correspondent. The remarks came Sunday as Jackson was talking to a fellow interviewee, […]

What does Limbaugh want?

Rush just signed an 8-year extension worth $38 million. If Obama wins the Presidency, Rush’s show will improve.  If McCain wins, Rush will be stale.  The same goes for all political talk shows, but Rush is the obvious leader. The media always has ratings and revenue at stake more than anything else.  That’s why you […]

The Subway Diet meets its end

Glenn Beck is a fear monger, but he knows how to communicate – to a certain crowd, of course. Considering the average amount of gas used per household, the rise has cost us approximately $1,690. With the average 42-inch plasma screen going for $975, just the extra cash you’ve forked over for gas in the […]

Leesa Baldwin spits at America

From the article “Some Americans will drive trucks, no matter cost“: Seven women pile out of a massive white Chevrolet Suburban and unload the vacuums, mops and buckets of their trade. Gasoline may cost $4 a gallon, but the Chevy’s driver and business owner Leesa Baldwin has no intention of downsizing to a smaller vehicle. […]

Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore

I knew this Barack Obama sensation seemed too easy: Dennis Haysbert likes to believe his portrayal as the first African-American U.S. president on Fox’s “24” may have helped pave the way for Barack Obama. “If anything, my portrayal of David Palmer, I think, may have helped open the eyes of the American people,” said the […]

Immigration, a weak dollar, a Wii Fit

George Will thinks our immigration policy keeps good people out of the United States. Two-thirds of doctoral candidates in science and engineering in U.S. universities are foreign-born. But only 140,000 employment-based green cards are available annually, and 1 million educated professionals are waiting — often five or more years — for cards. Congress could quickly […]

When I’m old

You won’t see me driving when I’m old.  Actually, you probably won’t see many people driving since teleportation will be so standard.  I guess I’ll have to make this hypothetical. If I were old today, I wouldn’t drive anywhere.  I might not be aware of my elderly perception of the time/space/speed-limit continuum, but I guarantee […]

To Marry A Predator

Robbing the cradle, legally: Saudi marriage officiant Dr. Ahmad al-Mu’bi told Lebanese television viewers last week that it’s permissible for girls as young as 1 to marry — as long as sex is postponed. If it weren’t for that pesky sex clause, we could count on our pedophiles leaving the United States.  Damn teases.

Let’s get paranoid about Iran

Iran’s president says the United States and its allies tried to kill him when he visited Iraq, but he was too clever for them. “Based on reliable intelligence, our enemies had plans to kidnap and kill your servant. But we intentionally made last-minute changes in our schedule.” Israel is running scary military exercises. Those exercises […]

The Flip Flop returns

Shit.  They’re using the term “flip flop” again. Democrats say John McCain flip-flopped on off-shore drilling.  Republicans say Barack Obama flip-flopped on public campaign financing. We need a flip-flop truce in this country.  Let’s recognize that reasonable people change their minds from time-to-time.  We can hold them to account when they make a habit of […]

Reminder: Bush is a moron

President Bush wants Congress to end an offshore drilling moratorium that dates back to early Reagan. Bush said that if congressional leaders head home for their July 4 recess without taking action, they will need to explain why “$4 a gallon gasoline is not enough incentive for them to act. And Americans will rightly ask […]

Al Gore as Vice President, take two

Al Gore endorsed Barack Obama tonight. It was a great speech. Here’s what the New York Times had to say, with a little meaningless Stooks commentary. Mr. Gore had purposefully stayed on the sidelines during the long Democratic primary fight. He announced his decision to endorse Mr. Obama on Monday afternoon in a message to […]

The depressing coverage of Tim Russert

Tim Russert is gone.  I will miss him. With that said, it’s been interesting to watch reaction to this news.  MSNBC went wall-to-wall, without commercials, to talk about their amazing boss.  His coworkers described an unparalleled father, son and friend. “He always asked the right questions” became a cliche after about an hour of the […]

Al Gore wants you to buy an iPhone

Al Gore is on the board of directors at Apple, but it’s still odd to see the former vice president clapping over a new iPhone ad like it’s a line in a Clinton State of the Union Address.  And people wonder why he didn’t want to run for office again.

Remember the sexist and racist grandpas?

Many things were labeled “racist” or “sexist” during the primary season. A lot of these went over my head. For example, some said that Hillary’s 3 AM ad had obvious racial overtones. I swear I heard one political douche accuse the ad of saying something along the lines of “Oh, it’s three in the morning, […]

Podcast: John McCain blows at speaking good

(7:25 mp3) John McCain blows at speaking good http://mattstooks.com/mccain060408.mp3Podcast: Download (3.4MB)

Okay, she did not go away

On May 6th, the media proclaimed Obama the nominee. The news reports said Hillary was canceling all her public appearances for the next day. This led to my post “She’s going away?!” Look at the question mark followed by the exclamation point in that headline. She’s going away?! It was as if I were a […]

Sharon Stone: Fit to cross and uncross her legs

Sharon Stone said a horrible earthquake in China was karma for the way China treated Tibet and the Dalai Lama. She went on to say China was “not being nice to the Dalai Lama, who’s a good friend of mine.”  I hear they have had some epic pillow fights. I can’t wait for one of […]

She’s going away?!

Celebrate, Hillary Haters! I was following the primaries online tonight. Things were getting intense and I had to violate my “no cable news” rule. “Hillary Clinton will not have any public events Wednesday” is on MSNBC. Big news day Wednesday. Obama did some amazing things in Indiana and North Carolina. By the way, Chris Matthews […]

Obama paranoia

I’m sick of all the superdelegate talk. Here’s a typical superdelegate Internet or TV conversation: If the superdelegates steal the nomination from Obama, it will destroy the Democratic Party. It’s a fair argument, but this scenario won’t happen unless Obama and his pastor tag-team a 14-year-old at a polygamist compound. Don’t worry paranoid Obama supporters, […]

Somehow not photoshopped

I don’t know why, but OG George Bush with his mammoth tarpon catch is a disturbing picture. Am I the only one who tried to look up Bush’s shorts?

Pope Watch!

I find this banner from washingtonpost.com a bit beyond stupid. “Pope Watch” reminds me of this Onion article on Catholics lining up for Pope John Paul II’s funeral before he was even close to dying. “I don’t know how much longer I’ll have to wait, but whether it’s five days or five months, it’ll be […]

How one dude ruined the scene and made the night

Note: Lots more words in this post than you’re used to. Don’t worry. I’ll give you a podcast version so you can rest your eyes, if need be. mp3 file (4:06) We wanted to try something new Saturday night. We decided on the Kansas City Power and Light District. Fearful of tight parking, we chose […]

Copyedit time!

I was a much better copyeditor at The Kansan (KU’s student paper) than I was a reporter. This means I’m better bitching about someone else’s shitty reporting than I am doing shitty reporting of my own. With this in mind, I found a great piece of copy to edit from this story: Clinton, who would […]

Bush’s War

I just finished watching the PBS documentary “Bush’s War.”  You can watch it online here. I’ll go ahead and doubt you’ll watch a four-and-a-half hour documentary on your computer.  I’ll give you a brief summation instead. A couple of idiots (mostly Cheney and Rumsfeld with a sprinkle of Bush, Tenet and Wolfowitz) got us into […]

Ron Paul

The Internet hasn’t gone crazy over Ron Paul in a long time.  I miss it.