One type of homeless creates a drive-thru for begging. The homeless will choose a high-traffic intersection with rare pedestrian traffic. A drive-thru begger has a tiny cardboard sign with illegible writing. If you give him money, he could buy a Sharpie, make a better sign, then get high off the Sharpie. Or maybe he should…
Sasquatch 4 (58 second mp3) Podcast: Download (911.3KB)
A jewelry store had this ridiculous sign outside their Plaza remodel job. “He loves dogs as much as I do” seems to be the winning answer for “How do you know you are loved?” Just look at the giant text. I find this answer twisted. You know you are loved because he loves dogs as…
Van talked me into creating another Sasquatch Back to School. Enjoy. Sasquatch Back to School 3 (1:38 mp3) Podcast: Download (1.5MB)
Every time I see someone with a mangled face, I nod in appreciation of their courage to show that face in public. If I had a disfigured face, I would never leave the house. I would have everything delivered. I would wear a ski mask when I answered the door. I’m not sure how I…
I want to congratulate the world on having good breath today. What a pleasant surprise.
From Chris Casey:
Order water at a fast-food restaurant, get a miniature cup. Are the small cups necessary to keep costs down for a free item? Do they deter soda theft? The truth is these establishments are bullying you into buying a drink. Six ounces can’t quench a lunchtime thirst. You’ll require frequent, humiliating refill trips, parading your…
When I hear “failed stimulus,” I think of someone not appreciating a finger in the butt.
Prince Adam turns into He-Man by yelling “By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!” How does He-Man turn back into Prince Adam? Does he have another phrase? Does He-Man wear off after awhile, and you become Prince Adam again? My guess is he reverts to Prince Adam immediately after coitus with Teela. Take…
If I were an enterprising hotel proprietor, I would have a sign: “Complimentary black light and toothbrush available upon request.” The black light assures guests a clean room, while also encouraging them to avoid spilling fluids all over the walls. This isn’t a whorehouse. This will never happen, as we simply love rolling around in…
Even a plain man with a mustache can get on TV as long as he has “Fox” on his cheek. What drives a grown man to sellout so hard just to have his face known for a brief second?
I wonder what my killer will be texting when they run my ass over. It better be at least OMGWTF worthy.
Baseball: Buy some close seats and curse at someone who makes more money than you.
I’ve picked a scab or two. Removing a scab is like removing a body part that regenerates. If we could do the same thing with arms, we’d be tearing them off left and right.
And the majority of its visitors are from searches for “purple candy corn.” You meant to be looking at this post.
I wrote a song. “Cleaning the keys” Podcast: Download (342.3KB)
I’ve placed calls to KCP&L and the Kansas City Star in the past week. Both robot operators told me to “Listen closely, as our menu has changed.” I’ve heard this message many times from other automated greetings. Why is the menu changing so much? Are there new things on the menu? Or is it something…
If you own a dog, you are likely awful. Sure, there are decent dog owners. They train their dogs. But the majority of dog owners are shit. The dog trains the owner. Bark all night, and your master finally comes out to bark back, “shut up!” Apparently this astute owner thinks dogs understand English. If…
Dear Olive Garden, If I wanted to eat things I couldn’t pronounce, I’d go to a real Italian restaurant. Now, where are those fresh breadsticks you promised? Matt
This face comes in handy when dealing with a question accompanied by bad breath.
The Dusty Bookshelf sells previously owned books. One of the sections is “New Arrivals.” I avoid this section, as these books have been near feces more recently than the books living in other sections. “New Arrivals” should really be “Hot off the toilet.”
I’ll meet you at six. Actually, you get there at 5:55. I’ll be there at six. I’ll know to look for you when I arrive, and you’ll know to look for me at the door. This will spare us awkward looks.
I quit Facebook two months ago. I no longer know the pets of people I barely spoke to in high school.
Worried about the cold weather affecting your golf swing? Worry no more. With weather.com, you’ll know just how to dress for the golf course tomorrow. The link brings us to this page, which leads with: Low temperatures won’t keep a hardy soul off the golf course. Why should they? Take the following steps to make…
If you live in a place where Winter destroys you in January, it doesn’t make sense to enact your massive self-improvement goals on New Year’s. Sure, a new year is a great time to evaluate yourself and plan some changes, but a frozen brain isn’t all that malleable. Put those goals off until Spring –…