One type of homeless creates a drive-thru for begging. The homeless will choose a high-traffic intersection with rare pedestrian traffic. A drive-thru begger has a tiny cardboard sign with illegible writing. If you give him money, he could buy a Sharpie, make a better sign, then get high off the Sharpie. Or maybe he should [...]
Matt Stooks.com
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Yearly Archives 2010
Sasquatch 4
Sasquatch 4 (58 second mp3)
Dog lovers
A jewelry store had this ridiculous sign outside their Plaza remodel job. “He loves dogs as much as I do” seems to be the winning answer for “How do you know you are loved?” Just look at the giant text. I find this answer twisted. You know you are loved because he loves dogs as [...]
Sasquatch 3
Van talked me into creating another Sasquatch Back to School. Enjoy. Sasquatch Back to School 3 (1:38 mp3)
Uglyface
Every time I see someone with a mangled face, I nod in appreciation of their courage to show that face in public. If I had a disfigured face, I would never leave the house. I would have everything delivered. I would wear a ski mask when I answered the door. I’m not sure how I [...]
A mint!
I want to congratulate the world on having good breath today. What a pleasant surprise.
Barbara Billingsly
From Chris Casey:
Small water
Order water at a fast-food restaurant, get a miniature cup. Are the small cups necessary to keep costs down for a free item? Do they deter soda theft? The truth is these establishments are bullying you into buying a drink. Six ounces can’t quench a lunchtime thirst. You’ll require frequent, humiliating refill trips, parading your [...]
Failed stimulus
When I hear “failed stimulus,” I think of someone not appreciating a finger in the butt.
He-Man
Prince Adam turns into He-Man by yelling “By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!” How does He-Man turn back into Prince Adam? Does he have another phrase? Does He-Man wear off after awhile, and you become Prince Adam again? My guess is he reverts to Prince Adam immediately after coitus with Teela. Take [...]
Complimentary black light
If I were an enterprising hotel proprietor, I would have a sign: “Complimentary black light and toothbrush available upon request.” The black light assures guests a clean room, while also encouraging them to avoid spilling fluids all over the walls. This isn’t a whorehouse. This will never happen, as we simply love rolling around in [...]
I’m on TV
Even a plain man with a mustache can get on TV as long as he has “Fox” on his cheek. What drives a grown man to sellout so hard just to have his face known for a brief second?
You are inbred
Did you read about Adam and Eve? How do you think they populated the earth? Inbreeding. Then, Noah’s Ark happened, and we started inbreeding across every species all over again. Maybe that’s why I have a nose on my thigh.
Death by text
I wonder what my killer will be texting when they run my ass over. It better be at least OMGWTF worthy.
The playoffs are on
Baseball: Buy some close seats and curse at someone who makes more money than you.
Fresher breath
For those times when your breath couldn’t be worse.
Scab picking
I’ve picked a scab or two. Removing a scab is like removing a body part that regenerates. If we could do the same thing with arms, we’d be tearing them off left and right.
This blog is trash
And the majority of its visitors are from searches for “purple candy corn.” You meant to be looking at this post.
Bow to my musical genius
I wrote a song. “Cleaning the keys”
The Internet Porn Generation
When I got pubes, porn was scarce. We got off on scrambled Cinemax, a stray Playboy and our imaginations. These pleasures made for a healthy society. Now, the Internet is conditioning impressionable dicks to rise at only the most foul of shit. Expect an exponential increase in the number of perverts as these kids come [...]
