Matt Stooks

Hoff’s shirtless, drunken hamburger struggle video has cost him visitation rights until at least May 21, when a judge will decide his future rights.

Hoff says a bad experience with fast food stopped him from performing in The Producers last month. Helpful tip: you really shouldn’t eat it off the floor.

Paris Hilton has officially filed her notice to appeal her jail sentence. It’s probably the police’s fault anyway, as Paris says they pull her over just to hit on her.

Meanwhile, lunch at her potential prison is typically baloney, breakfast is a boiled egg. She won’t be allowed makeup. How will she cover up all the sores? She might not want to: there’s a group of “very masculine lesbians” there.

Ty Pennington is apologizing for getting a DUI over the weekend. Surprisingly, it was just for alcohol. Surely that’s not all he’s on. Speaking of which, Lindsay Lohan: cokehead?

Britney’s keeping it classy:

Kevin Costner is a baby making machine: he became a father for the 5th time. Just imagine if he joined forces with Brit.

Someone submitted a video of Sanjaya playing with Sour Patch Kids for the I Love New York casting call. It’s a spinoff of Flava of Love, if you’re unfamiliar. Sanjy must’ve meant to audition for Flav’s show, instead.

Paris Hilton says her 45 day jail sentence is unfair and “I don’t deserve this.” It seems a bit much for driving with a suspended license, but she deserves something. Maybe they could just put a chastity bracelet on her goods.

Paris’ mom is pretty pissed about the whole deal. She told the prosecutor “this is pathetic.” Later, she said “I can’t believe all the money we’ve spent on this.” She didn’t specify whether “this” means the legal hearings or just Paris in general.

Paris will likely spend little actual time in jail, despite her sentence. “Lost” actor Michelle Rodriguez spent two hours in the same jail, even though she was sentenced to 60 days for the same offense as Paris. Overcrowding and her plague-like pantie crickets will likely get Paris similar treatment.

Even Lindsay Lohan feels bad for Paris. Now, if she could just address Herbie Fully Loaded.

Jada Pinkett Smith believes Katie Holmes still has free will…twice a day to use the can.

If celebrity fashion trends mean anything to you, we can expect high-waisted “mom jeans” to make a comeback. Britney Spears did not contribute to this trend.

Kid Rock says he had a confrontation with Anna Nicole at last year’s Kentucky Derby. Anna had cameras following her around for a TV show, and Kid was a little annoyed. They cursed at each other a whole lot, he called her a pig, all in front of his son. When Kid got home, he found out Anna gave his kid $300 to apologize. He said “That blond girl with the big boobs gave it to me.” Does that rule out Pam Anderson?

Spiderman 3 is selling out four times faster than Spiderman 2. It set a new record for an opening weekend at $150 million.

Here’s a fun, new statue of Kate Moss. Should Britney sue for the statue infringing on her signature pose?

“Alright, now who has a Nerf football? Preferably one that whistles when you throw it.”

Jay-Z didn’t die in a plane crash. You typically need to be on board for that type of event to happen.

David Hasselhoff “appears intoxicated, lying on the floor, wearing only a pair of blue jeans while attempting to eat a hamburger” in a fun video shot by his 16-year-old daughter.

Lindsay Lohan is planning on making the most of her 21st birthday in July, when she can finally get into clubs. She lives a rough life.

Prosecutors want Paris Hilton to spend 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. She has a court date tomorrow. When will the tabloid lobbyists step in to stop this nonsense?

Britney Spears can chew gum and lip sync at the same time. Meanwhile, you can imagine her nips…

Rosie O’Donnell made Time’s 100 Most Influential People list.

David Beckham’s 32nd birthday party reunited all the Spice Girls, minus Sporty. Why must she deprive the American public the reunion they so rightly demand?

George Lopez called Jay Leno a backstabber. Leno approached George at a club to apologize, but it turned out he was apologizing to Paul Rodriguez. Leno said he didn’t have his contacts in.

Don Imus is planning a lawsuit against CBS Radio for firing him for what he was supposed to do. His contract calls for him to be irreverent and controversial. He still has $40 million on his deal.

R. Kelly wrote a song for the victims of Virginia Tech. Were they peed on, too?

Cops pulled over Britney Spears tour bus on the way to her comeback show at the House of Blues in San Diego. The bus was causing a bit of a traffic jam. Britney must’ve thrown a “pressed ham” at the window.

Katie Holmes might be a little too flirtatious with a co-star from Mad Money. Will Tom have to chain her to the Xena statue again?

Scary Spice is taking Eddie Murphy to court to get a paternity test. Will a transsexual step forward to testify that Eddie was in herm’s company the night of the alleged conceiving?

Rosie says she’s backing off her political fights with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View, thanks to Lis’z fetus. So, if you ever want to win an argument with Rosie, just get knocked up. Guys, we’re still screwed.

Settle down. Lance Bass didn’t turn hetero, he’s just friends with Meadow Soprano.

Halle Berry threw a thousand bucks at some baby clothes. Is she pregnant or just confused on her size? Either way, Catwoman is to blame.

A couple tabloids say Roseanne is the person to beat in the race to replace Rosie. I’d be cool with that, so it’ll end up being Kathie Lee Gifford. Speaking of which, yesterday I mentioned that Kathy Griffin was #3 on TV Guide’s poll to replace Rosie. Is it possible the American public mistook Kathie Lee Gifford for Kathy Griffin?

Rosie says we’ll find out about her plans soon. IHOP first.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck got knocked up again. Barbara Walters, however, didn’t pee hot.

Britney Spears was driving in a convertible, lost her hat and nearly lost her wig.

Chris Richardson and Blake Lewis broke Idol curfew to go out. If you get caught breaking curfew, they make you clean vomit off Paula’s clothes.

Larry Birkhead’s ex-lawyer is now working for Hasselhoff’s ex. Don’t let her get the Pam Anderson standups, Dave.

Remember when Danny DeVito showed up drunk on The View after downing limencellos with George Clooney all night? Now, you can buy Danny DeVito’s Premium Limencello for about $25 a bottle. Warning: Do not drink Danny DeVito’s Premium Limencello while watching “Junior.” Safe in conjunction with “Twins.”

Lou Diamond Phillips had a court appearance for fighting with his now-ex girlfriend.

“I deserved the Estevez part!”

London Police arrested Hugh Grant for throwing a family-sized tub of baked beans at a photographer. He also kicked the guy three times and possibly told him he hopes his kids die of cancer. Seems reasonable to me.

The New York Post says Rosie tried to kick Barbara Walters off The View. Or fart her off it, at least.

Anna Nicole’s former hairdresser to her former designer, Bobby Trendy: “Can you cut it out man, I’m gonna have to kick your ass, seriously! You have no business being in her movie and you know it!”

A woman obsessed with Sandra Bullock tried to run her Mercedes over Sandra’s husband, motorcycle guy Jesse James. That’s what happens when you make movies like “The Net.”

“I look like a reasonable enough woman, right?”

Britney’s looking real dumb.

Richard Gere has a warrant for his arrest in India for kissing a woman in public. He could get three months.

Gwen Stefani and Pink were cut from Idol Gives Back, because of time constraints. Pink’s “U + UR Hand” translates a little rough to Africans, anyway.

I thought she was legal a la the Dawson’s Creek cast, but I just found out the Heroes cheerleader is only 17 in real life. I feel creepy.

Pam Anderson filmed one of those awkward DirecTV commercials where they splice struggling actors’ commercial pitches into the middle of classic movie and TV scenes. In this case, Baywatch. Is nothing sacred?

Tyra Banks grabbed Rosie’s boobs on The View. Rosie’s boobs took awhile to let go.

Mel Gibson’s in Costa Rica. My money’s on Costa Rica.

Random: rapper Eve got busted for DUI and got a visit from Sean Penn in jail.

Prince was doing a show, and saw Paris in the audience. He called her up on stage, gave her a mic and said “Let’s see if she can really sing.” Paris declined.

As expected, Rosie announced she’ll be leaving The View when her contract expires this Summer.

Also, as expected, Donald Trump took credit for “Rosie’s firing.”

Alec Baldwin taped an appearance for this Friday’s View, and it’s supposed to have been quite the scene, indicating he wants off 30 Rock. Sounds like someone wants Rosie’s job. NBC says he’s going nowhere.

Britney Spears is rarely seen with Sean Preston, and only seen once with Jayden James since his birth. Isn’t that a good thing?

Meanwhile, Britney was spotted drinking wine one day and sake the next.

Creepy Jessica-and-Ashley Simpson baby-daddy Joe wants to manage Britney. It’ll be far less awkward sleeping with someone outside the family.

Scary Spice is ready for Eddie Murphy to come take his paternity test. If he doesn’t step forward, maybe Howard K. could stop in to help.

Kirstie Alley might end up on someone’s jury. If she doesn’t eat the other potential jurors, that is.

Girls Gone Wild douche Joe Francis has even more legal problems. Some 18-year-old girl says he touched her boobs, ass and thigh after she told him to stop. A free T-Shirt couldn’t work his way into her pants.

Alec Baldwin fired his agents for “personal reasons.” To spend more time leaving angry voicemails?

Kim Bassinger scored a modeling deal with a skincare product. No word on an anger management product for Baldwin just yet.

TMZ says Paris Hilton and Josh Henderson broke up, citing the “single” MySpace status for Josh. He even modified his partying plans to avoid her. Did you expect her to do the same?

A judge could allow Larry Birkhead to bring his baby back with him to the United States, despite Anna’s mom.

Angelina Jolie filed to change Pax Thien Jolie’s name to Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt. It must have something to do with their impending divorce.

One of Diddy’s bodyguards threatened a cameraman: “Don’t shoot him … it’s not going to be a good situation if you shoot him.” Do light bulbs cause Diddy to break out into a performance or something?

Britney’s looking good enough to show off the stomach again. How long before she has the confidence to start showing off the crotch again?

“Like my body?”

In other potential exposed ‘gina news: Britney’s encouraging her fans to send in pictures. “Share what happens to you when the clock strikes 12 … where are you? Who is with you? Pay attention to yourself — what are you doing? How do you feel? Savor every last detail and when you think you have it down, recreate that perfect moment and capture it as best you can in a digital photograph.”

Sanjaya got slimed and read Letterman’s Top 10 all in one day. How many of our fine institutions will he wreck before we stop him?

Rosie MC’d a women in the media event in New York. She’s not over Trump. She went off on him, grabbed her crotch and said “eat me.” The 17 high school girls in attendance took notes.

Keith Richards mom died this weekend. He promptly called his coke dealer.

Heather Mills if off Dancing with the Stars.

Joe Francis has 23 days left in jail. The Girls Gone Wild founder pleaded guilty to contempt, for messing up negotiations with seven woman who weren’t happy about their breasts becoming public. In prison, some cop killer constantly yells “Girls Gone Wild! Joe Francis! Whoo!”

Sanjaya says: “I’m not just a musician, I’m an entertainer.” Like a clown?

This looks to be a shame: Celine Dion will do a duet with an impersonator lip-syncing to Elvis Presley on this week’s American Idol.

Ellen will be co-hosting with Seacrest for Idol Gives Back this week.

Kelly Clarkson bought Guitar Hero 2 at Best Buy the other day.

Jason Wahler, Laguna Beach’s flop of a porn star, played a game of Russian Roulette. He survived. Sorry.

Rod Stewart’s son is in trouble for helping beat the hell out of a Ford F-150 and hurting the people inside.

You’d think Rosie O’Donnell would be on Sheryl Crow’s side of the global warming argument. But Rosie says her big fat ass can’t possibly be treated with one square of toilet paper.

Shanna Moakler posted Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan’s phone numbers on MySpace. She said it was retaliation, as one of them might’ve been responsible for leaking her contact information first, using a fake Harry Morton MySpace page. Confused?

Some Russian douche bag paid J. Lo $2 million for a 40 minute concert for his wife.

People Magazine brought Sanjaya as their guest to the White House Correspondents Dinner. He wasn’t asked to sing.

Phil Stacey replaced Sanjaya as the contestant to vote for at votefortheworst.com. Is it because he wears a different queer hat each week?

Larry Birkhead said he needed to call his travel agent, hinting that he’s taking his kid home soon.

Alec Baldwin can’t see his 11-year-old daughter for the time being, thanks to the verbal abuse he dropped on her voicemail. Here’s Alec’s statement to the media.

Alec Baldwin’s Letterman appearance might’ve caused the whole situation. He called her right after it aired.

Kevin Federline is still living the life. He got to party with a bunch of hot, drunk chicks at a topless sunbathing club at the Mirage in Vegas.

Nick Lachey and his girlfriend are living together. Don’t answer the door when MTV’s knocking, Nick.

TMZ has some funny video of Kelly Osbourne getting frustrated with a valet.

Sheryl Crow got into it with White House goon Karl Rove on global warming.

Britney Spears got a parking ticket. At least she’s still avoiding charges for random pieces of litter falling from her nether regions.

Paris Hilton drove away from a meeting with her lawyer about driving with a suspended license.

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t think she’s an addict. She doesn’t think in general, either, so this might be a non-story.

TMZ found footage of Sanjaya tap dancing with a broom in a play when he was nine. What a shocker.

Paula Abdul says the competition will get more intense with Sanjaya leaving. His hair was simply too dominating for the other contestants to perform at their peak, apparently.

Katie Holmes might be looking to return to her Catholic roots. No, that doesn’t mean she dumped Tom.

Somehow, Donald Trump was in possession of a pair of Rosie panties from the film “Exit to Eden.” He sent them to Barbara Walters. She needed new bed sheets, anyway.

Joan Rivers lost her duties on the red carpet. If you can’t get Skeletor, why settle for second best?

Looks like we won’t be seeing a Laguna Beach sex tape after all. It wasn’t “exciting” enough. Not enough surfing, either.

Paula Abdul tried to get preferential treatment on a Southwest Airlines flight. Denied. Surely Southwest could at least muster some Viaka to pacify her.

Larry Birkhead is totally copying Howard K., hiring a lawyer to go after tabloids for defamation.

Larry sold photos of dad and baby to OK! magazine. He’s putting it in a trust fund for the kid.

Lindsay Lohan’s condo flooded. Conveniently, a guy she used to date lives directly below her. She left the water running in her bathtub. Yeah, I do that and leave my place all the time, too. Go girl!

Screw the bathing suit, Kirstie Alley can clear a fence!

“I think I see a Cheeto!”

Lawyers in India say Richard Gere’s effigy inducing cheek peck with a Bollywood actress was obscene. No one should be the victim of a Gere smooch.