Britney Spears blames Paris Hilton for everyone seeing her vagina, alcoholism, Kevin Federline…Okay, not Federline. But might as well throw him in there.
Paris Hilton has a May 4th court date to decide whether to revoke her probation for driving with s suspended license. If she does have to do some time, maybe she could smuggle Nicole Richie in and use her to pick the lock.
Sanjaya is officially one of Maxim Online’s girls of the day. Ha.
Madonna, not looking to adopt, took her son back to his orphanage for a visit. Students gathered around the building and threw stones to block paparazzi from taking pictures. Hopefully, she’ll move there so we don’t have to see or hear about her anymore.
Grey’s Anatomy homophobe Isaiah Washington will play a priest who returns to the Catholic high school where he was molested growing up. This should play out interestingly.
John Travolta says he’s as big as Elvis and Marilyn Monroe, but Scientology kept him from getting dead like them. Xenu offers one bitchin’ health plan.
Want to get into bestiality, but can’t get past the stigma? Jessica Alba and her dog are here to help.
HBO’s Entourage is paying Ron Jeremy $500 a day to use his two balconies. He said they even cleaned up two years worth of bird crap on them. Yeah…bird crap…that’s it.
Somehow creepier than Michael Jackson: a fiberglass replica of the King of Pop on eBay.
We gave up our attempts at lame humor to talk about the Virginia Tech shooting. Deal with it.
Madonna is in Africa doing charity work, not “give me your baby” work.
J. Lo and Marc Anthony are suing the National Enquirer in Britain for a “J. Larcthony Heroin Scandal” story. Going after J. Lo right now is a cheap shot, anyway.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took Zahara to Baskin-Robbins, surely proving their marriage is perfect. Tastes like 31 flavors of deception to me.
Gary Coleman took over the turntables at a New York nightclub. Did he take home the guaranteed “Coleman can DJ” poontang? Nope. He got on the mic and told them his girlfriend would be man if he got numbers. What a gentleman.
Busted: Britney Spears in the lotion aisle at Target. I hope she got the scented.
Britney Spears dropped several F-bombs on some photographers. No sign of the snuke, though.
Michael Jackson is a good father, according to the publisher of Sister 2 Sister magazine. If you can’t trust Tia and Tamara, who can you trust?
Hindu nationalists are burning effigies of Richard Gere. He gave an innocent kiss on the cheek to a Bollywood actress in New Delhi. PDA is a no-no there. The idea of Richard Gere burnt in effigy is a little fun.
Grey’s Anatomy won an award from GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. Isn’t that the show with the homophobic actor?
Regis is coming back to TV April 26th. Maybe Clay Aiken could stop in and stick his fingers in Kelly Ripa’s mouth in the meantime.
Britney Spears is struggling to find the perfect hat to compliment her wig. Soon enough, it’ll be a liquor dispensing one.
Larry Birkhead is trying to work out a deal with Anna Nicole’s mom, without the aid of a lawyer. She might be the reason for no official word on custody from the court.
Howard K. is suing Anna Nicole’s mom’s lawyer for suggesting that he killed Anna.
Anna’s designer, Bobby Trendy, will play himself in the movie about her life.
J. Lo might’ve dropped a Scientology reference on American Idol when Ryan Seacrest asked her about Simon’s harsh critiques. She said “concentrating on the rightness brings more rightness.” Maybe she should get punched for sounding stupid, regardless of its affiliation with Scientology.
Some talk show caller asked Hillary Clinton what America can do about Sanjaya. She managed a cheesy enough response: “That’s the best question I’ve been asked in a long time…Well, you know, people can vote for whomever they want. That’s true in my election, and it’s true on ‘American Idol.'”
Disgraced former House Majority Leader Tom Delay wants to take Rosie down as a tit-for-tat for the Don Imus firing, citing her politically incorrect way of speaking. Trump says: don’t forget her ugly fattiness.
The Britney Spears Diet: Red Bull and dancing. No liquor…that we know of.
Britney says she doesn’t have a crush on Laker player Luke Walton. They’d probably think she were high again if she admitted to that.
Tabloids claim Katie Holmes is pissed about a book called “Hollywood Car Wash,” a book about a young actress who enters into a contracted relationship. Does she want a cut of the profits or something?
Life & Style says Angelina doesn’t love her biological daughter as much as her adopted children. It is a family tradition to either makeout with or hate your own flesh and blood.
Season Two Idol contestant Olivia Mojica made a sex tape with her boyfriend about a month ago. Now, it’s going worldwide.
J. Lo’s marriage isn’t bad enough for him to stay away from the American Idol set during her performance. The question is: did Lo get him his own dressing room?
Last check, Paris Hilton was wearing underwear. I think that fantasy is finally over.
You can buy Anna Nicole’s last film May 1st. It’s called “Illegal Aliens,” starring Anna and Joanie Laurer as aliens who transform into hot chicks to protect the earth from evil intergalactic forces. Joanie used to play China on WWE. If you gotta go out, go out big.
Britney Spears stopped for dinner at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. They burned the chair she sat in.
Justin Timberlake is helping Madonna on her next album. This is the only time I’ll say “stick with Britney.”
Adding to the evidence that this is the worst group of Idol contestants: they liked J. Lo the best out of all their mentors this season.
Idol lost another million viewers this week. But the two weekly shows are still easily #1 and #2, so don’t soil yourself.
Idol’s frightening band leader, Ricky Minor, says Sanjaya could win it all.
Laguna Beach loser LC says there never was a sex tape, just a sea of lies. So now she can go back to being worthless.
“I told you so!” – Larry Birkhead. Larry Birkhead is the baby daddy.
Howard K. Stern is already letting Larry see his kid. What a nice guy.
Anna Nicole’s mom plans to keep fighting for custody of Dannielynn.
Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband wishes good luck to Larry and the baby.
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee took their kids to the beach. At least the camera work will be more consistent this time.
Justin Timberlake says he isn’t sending coded messages to Britney at awards show, like when he said “stop drinking” at some show in Britain. Well, “stop drinking” isn’t all that coded, so he’s technically correct either way.
Halle Berry might go bald for her next movie role. “My character in a movie has an unfortunate event happen and she is forced to shave her head bald. Now she has to approach life as a bald-headed person and discover who she is.” I don’t think Britney would even need to muster an ounce of acting skill for that role, just get her.
Sanjaya is the number one Internet search term, according to Yahoo! Buzz. You need a good Sanjaya picture to make an effective voodoo doll.
Sharon Osbourne and Elton John went shopping for high heels together.
Paris Hilton’s bff-ship to Kim Kardashian seems to be over. Paris didn’t show up at Kim’s birthday party. I guess she doesn’t like dueling sex tapes in friendships.
Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis got himself arrested at the Panama City Airport on his way to turn himself in to police voluntarily. They’re charging him for breaking a settlement agreement with some girls he filmed. A free t-shirt can’t get you out of everything.
Katie Couric is not “HD friendly.” So she’s not broadcast in it. Thought you’d like to know.
Britney Spears took in another Laker Game this weekend. No one was blinded or otherwise hurt by her vagina.
Kevin Federline threw out handfuls of fake $50 bills at a Vegas nightclub. I guess you should know what your getting when K-Fed starts throwing out cash.
TMZ says Sharon Osbourne is replacing Brandy on America’s Got Talent. Despite her drawbacks, Sharon’s less likely to kill someone on the way to work.
Tori Spelling’s mom sent an open letter to Larry Birkhead, offering advice on life as a celebrity. Amazingly, it doesn’t say “leech to your daughter.”
Howard K. Stern has vowed to walk away if Larry Birkhead is a baby-daddy match.
KFC has some sick obsession with wanting Sanjaya to get a bowl haircut. First, they offered him chicken for life. Now, they’ve added $5 thousand and an appearance in their next ad for Famous Bowls.
LC from Laguna Beach was spotted with Idol’s Timberlake-wannabe, Chris Richardson. Take advantage of the post-“she might have a sex tape!” publicity while you can, girlfriend.
LC’s rumored sex-tape partner Jason, though, got arrested and even brought out the N-word to the cop. He also called the cop a fag. I think he’s winning this publicity war.
Paris Hilton bought two bunnies for Easter. They simply have to be dead by now.
Take a listen to a GPS with directions provided by Gary Busey.
Isaac Hanson had a baby boy. More impressive: apparently he helped with the conception.
Britney Spears and her manager are having a tough time since she left rehab. I guess it’s not as fun a job when you don’t have a live action Basic Instinct set in front of you at all times.
Britney cut $1 million off the home she shared with K-Fed in Malibu. Now, if she just bleaches all surfaces on the house, someone might find it livable.
Tuesday’s still the day for baby-daddy drama to come to an end. Then, we can all rest assured that Dannielynn will live a healthy, mentally unscarred life.
The Anna Nicole Naked Tribute Edition of Playboy is on news stands now. Hugh Hefner says he isn’t the baby daddy.
Disney is hinting that they won’t use Keith Richards to promote the next Pirates of the Caribbean. If Simba’s allowed to spell out “Sex” in slow motion in Lion King, Keith should be allowed to snort a little pop.
Angelina Jolie’s brother says Shiloh is named after him. It seems like a bit of a stretch though. Shiloh was his runner-up name, before his parents settled on “James.” I think he just wants to sleep with his sister.
Could there be a Laguna Beach sex tape featuring LC and Jason? She denies it on her website, and no one really needs to see Jason ruining her anyway.
Lindsay Lohan would like to play Princess Di someday. I’m sure she could handle the whole car crash scene without a double.
According to TMZ.com, this woman also says Ron Jeremy signed her boob without permission. Yeah, look at her try to fight him off.
Britney Spears went to her sister’s Sweet Sixteen in a see-through shirt and no bra. Add a weird stain, and it’s totally February 2007 Britney!
Life & Style says Britney met singer-songwriter Howie Day in rehab, and now they might have a bit of a fling…or her love canal offers great acoustics.
Paris Hilton yelled “Hey, whore!” at some random fan. Maybe the fan was wearing mirrored sunglasses.
Suri Cruise fans are buying gifts in anticipation of her one-year birthday in two weeks. What do you get the Scientology baby that has everything? Something anti-Dr. Phil, for sure.
VoteAgainstTheWorst.com has a strategy to get Sanjaya off Idol. They’re telling certain states to vote for a certain Idol, and not for Sanjaya, ensuring his exit. Not bad.
Now that the Sanjaya hunger strike is over, some dude is “Binge Eating for Sanjaya.” He’ll binge eat until Sanjaya wins. It’s not the SuperSize Me dude.
J. Lo visits American Idol next week. Just what Sanjaya needs.
Out of nowhere, Whitney Houston’s divorce is finalized. How will we talk about Bobby Brown again?
Dennis Miller says Rosie’s trying to get herself fired on The View so she can get her own show. At least, that’s what we think he said, thanks to five hours of deciphering.
Kevin Costner is suing a promotions company, saying they promised him millions to promote The Kevin Costner Band. Does the judge really need to hear the arguments on this one?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The small stuff is rolling right off your back, not so much with the large goiter on the small of your back.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A potential romance is really blooming, so pour on the TLC. Rest in peace, Left Eye.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You can be most generous when the spirit moves you. That impulse makes you want to give someone the shirt off your back. But remember what happened the last time you went topless in the workplace? Poor Barry lost his right hand over that one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your instincts are dead on right now, especially when it comes to your love life. Chatrooms are really the only place you’re going to get away with your kind of lust.
Stooks Proverb: The nearer the bone, the sweater the flesh. So, theoretically, all of Nicole Richie’s flesh is quite tasty.
Howard K. Stern is thinking about hiring the Ramsey’s lawyer to go after media outlets accusing him of murdering Anna Nicole or her son. It worked out well for the Ramseys, right?
Songwriters are already working on tunes for Idol-suckee Sanjaya. They have all the notes from “Mary had a Little Lamb” to work from.
The MySpace Sanjaya-Hunger-Striker says she had support from family and friends until health problems arose. She lost 17 pounds. Now, she’s a meal fit for Rosie O’Donnell.
Michael Jackson had Vegas’ FAO Schwarz shut down to give his daughter, Paris, a shopping spree. No word on whether he bought any 12-year-old bait during the trip.
Keith Richards says he was joking when he said he snorted his father’s ashes with cocaine. He actually snorted his own remains.
Anglina Jolie’s brother says she’s not in control of Brad Pitt’s life. Then, he made out with her.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The stars encourage you to go out and gather more material for your mind. Pick up interesting magazines and books or go see an artsy-fartsy movie. Heck, why not do all of them, and make it a regular thing? Oh, you want to keep your friends? Nevermind.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You feel like you have to get every aspect of your life settled right now. Everyone else thinks your crazy talk can be put off for a while. It might be time to retire to your separate corners for the moment, especially since your corner has a Speak and Say.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
When you’re presented with a plethora of opportunities, you instinctively want to grab every one. That’s why they don’t let you into the strip club anymore.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Eating, shopping, or sleeping to assuage your feelings never works. You need to get something off your chest, and tight pants or credit card regret won’t help. Well, the tight pants might get you some more dates as long as you tackled that thigh protrusion that’s been bugging you.
Stooks Proverb: Beauty is only skin deep. That’s why Nicole Richie has none.
Britney Spears went jewelry shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. She needs to accessorize that vagina for the next photo shoot.
Britney managed to go to a nightclub and drink Pepsi without the aid of alcohol. Her panties remained in place, too.
Producer Timbaland says he isn’t working with Britney on her new album. He just got a new leather couch.
Next Tuesday, we should have an answer about Anna Nicole’s baby daddy.
If a deal hadn’t been reached, J. Lo might’ve served jury duty. I’m sure that would’ve been some intelligent deliberations.
J. Lo says she isn’t J. Lo anymore. She’s Jennifer Lopez, if anyone still cares.
A woman asked for Ron Jeremy’s autograph at the Exotica porn convention. She’s filed a police report saying he took the liberty of signing her boob without permission. The Exotica porn convention isn’t apparently the class event we thought it to be.
After 16 days, and a doctor’s order, a Sanjaya hunger strike is over.
Some say Indian call centers for American companies are responsible for keeping Sanjaya on the show. They also say Indian call centers treat them like kindergartners on the phone.
Independent Comedy is looking for a Sanjaya lookalike for a spoof. Surely Cheech is sending in his picture.
GQ interviewed Lindsay Lohan via text message. After the interview, Lindsay cured her “Blackberry Thumb” with a pint of vodka.
Scary Spice popped out a kid Tuesday. The baby girl might belong to Eddie Murphy, but Scary doesn’t fit Eddie’s usual transsexual tendencies.
Keith Richards says he mixed some of his dead father’s ashes with some cocaine, then snorted it. We’re supposed to be surprised by this?
It looks like there will be a Sex and the City movie, after all. Theaters will provide barf bags at every seat in preparation for the first Kim Cattrall sex scene.
I’m hoping to axe the Stooksoscope by Monday. If you like it, you’d better try to trick me into keeping it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Career opportunities present themselves in some surprising and subtle ways today. Although, some may say a Bill Gates hallucination isn’t all that subtle.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Physical distance seems insurmountable, but in truth, mental boundaries are the biggest obstacles between two people. There’s a chance for real connection here, but you have to get your dog to cough up the remaining Connect Four pieces.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re an expert at finding the best in people. Remember the time you found the toxic properties of your aunt’s Boysenberry Pie? That possum had advanced decomposition in less than three hours. So, yeah, that’s the best you found in your aunt.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Lighten your load by telling your coworkers what’s on your mind. Pudding fight!
Stooks Proverb: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. When you’re knocking over other small children for their eggs, one basket just isn’t enough.
Britney Spears took in a Laker game this weekend. They mounted her on a pole and used her vagina as the goal.
Avil Lavigne says her mom forced her to a Britney Spears concert before Avril got famous.
Howard K. Stern’s appeal got denied. That means we should get to find out the true baby daddy this week. I’m out of jokes for this.
Anna’s corpse judge is talking face-to-face with different television networks this week. Hopefully he can hold back his tears when he gets rejected.
Idol contestants are getting pissed at America’s Sanjaya-loving ways. They still think Sanjy is cool as a person, they just think he sucks more than other people going home, and it’s all America’s fault.
Rosie’s now feuding with Bill O’Reilly. He started it, calling her an “imbecile.” Shortly after, Donald called Bill to remind him about Rosie’s fatness, as well.
Tara Reid’s bikini top seemed a bit too small this weekend. Her areola was contained, thankfully.
Lindsay Lohan left a club shortly after Paris Hilton arrived. She was probably concerned with everyone seeing her vagina and going bald after a night with Paris.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Enlightening influences are coming your way, thanks to those optimistic and happy-go-lucky stars. Those manic depressive stars are sleeping in after a weekend of binging.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Frustrated and fuming about delays on the career front? Think of this as an opportunity to slow down and think about the direction you’re headed: door-to-door magazine sales.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’re conscious of what’s fair to all the parties involved, especially concerning relationships. You figure a full leather setup is a fair tradeoff for your lover spanking you in a nun outfit.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A potential argument doesn’t have to turn into a battle royal. A cage match will do.
Stooks Proverb: Don’t give advice in a crowd, especially if the crowd is compiled of lepers with a hugging addiction.
Britney Spears topped the “Most Foolish American” poll, just edging out Paris Hilton and George W. Bush. The President was just one crotch shot away…
Meanwhile, Britney finalized her divorce with Kevin Federline for $1 million. He would’ve got more had he not wrecked her “bizzness.”
Prosecutors want a judge to revoke Paris Hilton’s probation after she got caught driving with a suspended license last month. She could (yeah right) get 90 days in jail, but do the other prisoners really deserve that kind of treatment?
At least one “Record Weasel” thinks Sanjaya will get signed to a recording contract, and not in the William Hung kinda way.
Rumors place George Hamilton as the front runner to take over The Price Is Right when Bob Barker retires. It’ll take more than an overtanned face to replace Bob, CBS!
Idol loser Chris Sligh says he didn’t want to win American Idol, anyway, so there!
A source says pornstar Jenna Jameson “underwent a vaginoplasty at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, and she is very unhappy. She has decided to hole up and not speak to anybody.” Hopefully Britney doesn’t go to the same surgeon. By the way, I love the use of “hole up” in that quote.
Coming soon: a Girls Gone Wild restaurant. “I’ll give you Chicken Fried Steak for some boobies.”