I’m a huge Ron Paul fan. Watch John Stossel drool when asking Ron if he’d even let the state’s legalize heroin.
Sean Penn is a neocon
Scenario time. You passionately oppose the war in Iraq. You feel the need to speak out, but you know that every time you speak, you’re only hurting your cause. People who’ve come to hate the war, now like it to spite you. Why would you continue to speak? It’s because your name is Sean Penn, and you’re either a moron or a neoconservative in disguise (his latest ramblings here).
This isn’t an improvement
I guess I complained too early about the media name-dropping the Nebraska mall shooter.
Now, we’re getting video footage of him walking into the mall and cocking his AK-47. Is our media capable of any restraint? Am I a moron to think this encourages other “troubled teens” to go psycho in front of security cameras?
Politicians and the media are always competing for my hatred. I never thought I’d say the media were winning that battle.
Guinness Records
The tall guy is the Guinness World Records holder for tallest man, at 7 feet, 9 inches. The little guy applied for the Guinness Record for the shortest man, at 2 feet, 9 inches.
A pint of Guinness? (har har)
I haven’t been a fan of Guinness Records since I was a kid, although, I still can’t get the image of the longest fingernail woman out of my head. I’ve been anti-Guinness because it rewards freakshows and those with far too much time on their hands.
As of today, I’ve changed my ways.
People with the aptitude to go break the record for longest softball game, should probably go do it. Guinness is protecting the rest of us from spending time with these weirdos by giving them something to do. I would have to think you’d get a pretty awful conversation from someone who wants to break a knitting record.
I feel worse for the legit, birthright freakshows. Unlike manufactured record holders, the legit freakshows couldn’t avoid their fate. I can only imagine the weird looks they must get on the street. Why not reward them for being so different it messes up their lives?
I’m sorry for doubting you, Guinness. Thanks for taking one for the team.
God is sick of it, too
God is getting all kinds of attention this week. The Golden Compass is getting some God-related press. Mitt Romney says he’s cool with God.
Why do we care? I understand the importance of religion in people’s lives. But can we stop debating our beliefs in public? Just because someone believes something different from you is no reason to piss down your leg. Jesus…I mean, “non-denominational celestial being.”
Gunmen and the media
Another young guy went on a crazy shooting spree. Then, way too many news outlets plastered the killer’s name and face on TV.
When will the morons running our media learn that immortalizing these guys’ names encourages future behavior in like-minded people? We don’t need to learn about the killer’s sad poems or video games habits. I don’t care that he never got laid.
Yes, there are lessons to learn from these shootings. But making a man famous, who could never get noticed without a gun, teaches a pretty solid lesson to future shooters. Treating these killers like nameless, faceless assholes is a necessity.
The latest in "shocking" news
Fat kids could stay fat and have bad hearts when they get old.
Luckily, ABC News has created a graphic for those literate enough to get to a news site, but not literate enough to read a story based on common sense.
Check out this brilliant quote from a pediatrics professor:
“Children who have been obese for much of their childhood will enter adulthood with chronic health problems that will only continue if their BMI remains high.”
So, if they stay fat, the problems they got for being fat will stay with the fat? OMFG! I never saw it coming! How is this news?
Spooning
A cold December night was good for “spooning” to make #6 on Google Trends.
Notice the hotness level as “On Fire.” Is that one notch away from “XXX?” I had no idea spooning was so raunchy.
“Kama Sutra” as a related search? I think spooning is in the “Child’s Guide to Kama Sutra.” “What is spooning” is another related search. I would hope Google would answer such a question with “You’re missing Go, Diego, Go! right now.”
Don’t get me wrong, spooning has a certain appeal. I just couldn’t ever imagine meeting a person who needed to Google it.
The things that please me
Want to know something sad?
I’m all giggly and mindblown that I can now chat with my AIM friends and my Google friends, all within GMail. I don’t need to have two IM programs open. This made my day. The fact that something this insignificant made my day makes me sad. So many conflicting emotions…
The High Lady returns
(1:54 podcast) The High Lady called and left a voicemail. I’ve had a bad habit of not logging on to my phone system. After missing this classic High Lady call, I’ll do better on that. The number is 785.727.2291, and you can see if I’m available on the right column of the homepage.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had two podcast posts in a row. Don’t get used to it.
By the way, it sounds like the High Lady is watching the Chris Casey-Matt Stooks collaboration “KSU: What to do?” during the phone call.
Podcast: Download (895.7KB)
I’m not George Carlin yet
(3:44 podcast) I tried stand up for the first time tonight.
It wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t brilliant by any means. It was a good learning experience. I’ll do it again.
It’s a lot different than what I’m used to: talking into a microphone in an empty room with no encouragement/discouragement from an audience. The lights were blinding. I couldn’t see anyone. It was like talking into a black hole. There were probably 20 people in the room, eight of them were there to perform, so the atmosphere wasn’t the best. I’ll let friends come watch me next time, so hopefully I’ll have more laughs in my corner.
Feel free to share your thoughts.
Presidents and vocab
President Bush is a moron. Today, he talked about the national intelligence estimate, which said Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program four years ago.
“I have said Iran is dangerous, and the NIE doesn’t do anything to change my opinion about the danger Iran poses to the world. Quite the contrary.”
Quite the contrary? Do you know what “contrary” means? Basically, you’re saying a report from 16 intelligence agencies saying Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program four years ago reinforces your position that Iran has a nuclear weapons program.
I’m sick of this President.
Pedophile campout!
Channel 9 News was at the Sprint Center tonight to show off all the little shits adorable kids who went to the Hannah Montana show.
Notice the boy who’ll no doubt get his ass kicked in school tomorrow, unless he’s been abducted by a pedophile.
Hillary picked last in kickball
Barack Obama said “I have not been planning to run for President for however number of years some of the other candidates have been planning for.”
Hillary Clinton’s campaign, looking to call BS, tracked down a quote from his kindergarten teacher. She said Barack wrote an essay with the title “I Want To Become President.”
I can only imagine what a further look at Barack’s kindergarten work would reveal. If you think illegal immigrants are bad, just wait until President Obama lets our streets overrun with a variety of fire-breathing reptilian characters, clowns and Human Growth Hormone victims.
If only teachers had looked at Barry Bond’s drawings
This goldmine from his kindergarten teacher could doom Barack’s Presidential aspirations. He better hope a vengeful Clinton classmate comes forward to confirm Hillary’s lesbianism with stories of Hillary “scissoring” Barbie and Ken at recess (remember, Ken has a vagina).
How will we live?
The writers’ strike is a month old and might not end for awhile.
I don’t think viewers are going to be as annoyed as you might think. We might even appreciate a break from having to watch our favorite TV shows. Maybe we’ll learn to use our non-TV time so wisely, we won’t stand for the existence of three CSIs, 20 seasons of ER, or one episode of Last Call with Carson Daly.
Reruns give us a chance to break our addiction to TV. If the networks don’t realize this, the writers’ strike will cost a whole lot more than Internet residuals.
I’m old
I’ll be 27 a month from now. Even as immature as I am, I’m starting to feel as old as I am.
Yesterday’s game of Hacky Sack nearly left me a cripple. Both of my hamstrings are sore and I pulled my right groin (currently taking applications for groin masseuse). This weekend, I’ll take part in the annual six-mile ThePrewitt.com Triathlon (running, drinking, puking). It will be a shame.
Look at me, I’m Johnny "Rockin" Rowlands!
Johnny Rowlands, Kansas City’s eye in the sky, drives an Escalade with the license plate “CHOPPR9” (for NewsChopper 9). He pulled into a Sonic near my house this morning.
Nice peach-fuzz mustache, Rowlands
I’m no Rowlands hater, but this pushes me in that direction. Piloting the coolest traffic copter in Kansas City isn’t enough. He has to have a giant arrow, in the form of a personalized-plated Escalade, pointing him out on the street? What an egomaniac.
You sicken me Rowlands. And Sonic? Blech. Toppings have no place on the bottom bun.
By the way, I don’t know what kind of dirt you have on Micheal Mahoney, but apparently it’s enough to keep him from out-stache-ing you at work.
Mahoney, now and before Rowlands blackmailed his stache off
I’ve been on Facebook for awhile now (here’s my profile (membership required) (first triple quadruple parentheses on mattstooks.com ever) (not sure I did that right)). I love it so much more for what it could be than what it actually is.
MySpace and Facebook didn’t get popular until I was well out of college. As a result, a lot of my close friends aren’t on either. More of my friends are on MySpace than Facebook, mostly due to MySpace letting the general public in before Facebook. I try to tell my friends how cool Facebook’s news feed is, but they won’t convert.
It’s so slick to get little one-sentence updates on what your friends are up to today. Then, Facebook decided to go and put “applications” in the news feed. So “Zombie Attacks” and “Movie Quizzes” dominate my news feed instead of worthy and depressing items like “Such and such isn’t having a baby anymore.”
Karaoke Thursday?
Check out the top items in Google Trends for 10 pm Thursday. They’re all for lyrics. It’s quite the variety, too. I didn’t realize “Green Acres” was such a great sing-a-long song.
1. green acres lyrics
2. soul man lyrics
3. should i stay or should i go lyrics
4. taking care of business lyrics
5. if i could turn back time lyrics
"Time. Time. Time. Time. Time."
I’m making my way through the Republican YouTube Debate.
This is depressing, and not just because Anderson Cooper has to say “time” 15 times per response before a candidate finally shuts up. How about cutting a candidate’s mic 10 seconds after you say “time.” Why hasn’t CNN hired me yet?
I haven’t been around all that long, but every debate I’ve ever seen is the same. Taxes and foreign policy make sense as themes with no end in sight, but how many years are we going to have to put up with hearing about gun laws, health care, Social Security and immigration? What would you think if we’re still dealing with these same go-nowhere issues in 30 years?
I hate this YouTube format. CNN airs whatever questions it would’ve asked in the first place, but we have to watch some douche with his clever props asking the question. I don’t need the visual of a guy eating corn to understand his question about the Farm Bill. I don’t need a guy shooting his gun to understand his gun law question.
Here’s a question: How many guns do you own? How is this relevant to policy decisions? Yes, if you own a gun, it’s fairly obvious that you’re against more gun control. But, if you don’t own a gun, does that mean you’re for more gun control? Do they ask pro-choice candidates how many abortions they or their significant other have had? “I just want to make sure they’re committed,” says Pro-Choice Sally.
I can’t believe we’re subjected to a year of this crap every four years.
By the way, just who does Chuck Norris think he is?
Poll sucking
It’s been too long since we’ve talked about a crappy poll. Here’s a new one.
Kids aged 2-12 think Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are more deserving of coal in their stockings than the Grinch and Darth Vader.
So, little kids think Britney and Paris are naughtier than two of the most evil fictional bad guys of all time? That’s harsh. But, while Darth Vader slaughtered younglings, Paris covered their sabers in sores. That’s a pretty even trade.
Besides, didn’t you always wonder why Darth Vader’s face was all eaten up? Mustache rides gone terribly wrong.
“Use the VALTREX, Luke.”
Coin collecting
You’ll be able to finish your 50-state quarter collection by the end of 2008. The Mint is pleased with the results (bold mine).
The states have been honored in the order they were admitted to the union, starting with Delaware. It was honored with a quarter in 1999. The effort kicked off a collecting craze unlike anything ever seen before in the coin world.
Based on a 2005 survey, Mint officials estimate 147 million people have gotten involved in collecting the quarters with their constantly changing designs.
“The American people have made the 50 state quarters the most successful coins in United States history,” said Mint Director Ed Moy.
The most successful coins in U.S. history? What are we comparing them to? The Susan B. Anthony Dollar? Quarters are a useful coin in abundant circulation. Plus, you can’t avoid getting quarters with the state designs. Calling their design a success is like saying people buy clothing to collect thread. You can’t have one without the other.
147 million people are collecting quarters? Who are these people and where are they hiding? That’s half the U.S. population. If 147 million people collect 50 different state quarters, that’s $1.8 billion out of circulation. Is this really good news?
The Beard Dilemma
Here comes a shame
Carson Daly is making a huge mistake.
NBC’s “Last Call with Carson Daly” is about to become the first late-night talk show to defy the writers strike and resume production. Daly, who is not a member of the Writers Guild, will begin taping new episodes of his Burbank-based show this week for airing next week.
Carson Daly’s show is a catastrophe with his writing staff. Can you imagine how he’ll be without it? I think it’s time to start watching Carson Daly.
My victory over laundry
For years, I’ve dreaded laundry day. It’s reached a peak over the past year. Every time I do laundry, I think “I’m going to have to do this for the rest of my life.” It’s a depressing thought.
I did the laundry today. I’m proud to say I’ve finally found a reasonable way to do the laundry. Hopefully, I can help make laundry day a little easier for you, too!
First off, I will take the time to separate lights and darks. This must equal a maximum of two loads. I jam the dark load in the washer first. My dark load requires more hangers than the light load. I’d like to get that extra work out of the way early. Then, when the light load is done, I’ll hang up the few light items requiring hangers. Undershirts, boxers, boxer-briefs, and socks don’t require folding. These items will be under my clothes, so wrinkles do not matter. Why waste time folding? Therefore, I just jam them into my drawers like this:
Here’s to hoping your laundry days are a little brighter…without the need for bleach!
Get ready to overreact!
A new message might be coming from Osama bin Laden. Will it be a video? Will Osama sport an embarrassing new facial hair style? Or will he steer clear of the “Just for Men” treatment this time? Some website, obviously stocked with pedophiles, but surely devoid of babies playing with iPhones, Lolcats, and girls feasting and re-feasting on feces had this to say:
“Soon, God willing, (we will post) a new message to the European people from the lion Imam who defeated the Americans and tyrants, Sheikh Osama bin Laden…Let this message be posted by various Western Web sites so that we deliver to them the truth of their lost war and (confront) them with the purposely hidden fact.”
And let it be mashed up with great Western songs like the ever-popular “Macarena,” “Achy Breaky Heart,” and “Before He Cheats.” Furthermore, let Western novice special effects artists put a light saber in Osama’s hand and utilize him in those hilarious Coors Light press conference ads featuring Western NFL coaches and wacky fans asking questions.
The next Miss Elizabeth?
Hulk Hogan’s wife wants a share of their Florida mansions, alimony and child support.
As long as she doesn’t run off with a third-rate wrestler, mix a bunch of drugs with alcohol and die, Hulk’s still got one up on Macho Man.
You’ll never guess which one dies in a chemically induced haze
Punch him!
Thanks to his Nobel Prize win, Al Gore got the pleasure of meeting with President Bush Monday.
You know Gore wants to smack that smirk right off W’s face
The two spent 40 minutes in a private Oval Office meeting. Al says they spent the whole time talking about global warming. I call BS on that. Surely Bush slipped in at least one awkward noogie or something.
The Border War
Rather than go to Arrowhead Stadium for KU-MU, we went to Ugly Joe’s at 103rd and State Line. You see, Arrowhead is clearly in Missouri. Ugly Joe’s is right on the border, making it more suitable for the whole “Border War” mentality. Yeah, that’s it.
It was almost a 50/50 KU-MU crowd. Obviously, a similar crowd was at Arrowhead. Mixing crowds 50/50 is probably the most ideal situation for fights to break out. Without one dominant group to keep the other in check, total chaos is possible. Sadly, I didn’t observe one fight.
As a KU fan, I was surprised that another KU fan was my first nomination for an ass kicking. We got there two hours before kickoff, and he started a new “Rock Chalk Chant” every five minutes leading up to the game. Luckily, some dumbass MU fans redeemed themselves at the end of the game with the flawed “Overrated” cheer. If you cheer “overrated” at the team you’re beating, aren’t you demeaning your team in the process? Shouldn’t you somehow cheer “underrated” about your team?
Luckily, a waitress with a tattooed muffin top was there to lighten the mood. Look at how she just shoves the credit card folder right into the folds of her back.
The muffin top was more frightening earlier in the evening, but I only got the balls/drunkenness to use my camera’s flash at the end of the night.
Our more attractive waitress did a suitable job, even though she disappeared for a half hour at one point. Two other waitresses ended up bringing our food out. When did it become standard practice for your waitress to avoid bringing you your food? This happens to me more times than not.
This ketchup bottle is terrible:
Chris struggled to control the amount of ketchup flowing from the ill-conceived wide-mouth bottle. In fact, so much ketchup poured out, he had to spend a couple of minutes dipping his fries onto the mass of ketchup on his bun.
Ugly Joe’s is one of the only establishments to have the bathroom door handle on the correct side of the door. Every public restroom should have the handle on the outside of the door. After you wash your hands, you can just back your way out of the restroom like a surgeon. I’m not sure who’s responsible for the majority of restrooms using the inside “filth handle” technique, but they have to be benefiting from the spread of coliform.
A group of lesbians sat behind us. One of them was a lesbian Johnny Sack, of “The Sopranos” fame.
These lesbians were tolerable. None of them were wearing a pink “insert your school logo here” shirt. These shirts make you wonder whether there are women who simply can’t go one day without wearing pink. While we’re on the subject, you don’t look that good in pink, sweetheart.
Charity eating
Thanksgiving dinner is hours away, and I can only hope that I’m not too late in posting this warning.
At Thanksgiving, you will eat something you wouldn’t otherwise ever eat. If it’s a potluck occasion, you’re doubly screwed. You see, there’s always one frightening dish at every Thanksgiving dinner. And, you’ll have to eat it.
It doesn’t matter your position in the buffet line, either.
If you’re at the front of the line, you’ll think “Oh no, no one will eat that filthy gelatin-based specimen. I better take some so Aunt Sylvia’s feelings won’t get hurt.” Then, at the end of the meal, you’ll try to hide the completely uneaten dish under the discarded hard outer layer from the ham.
If you’re at the end of the line, you’ll encounter a completely untouched casserole. Obviously, you’ll take some, as to again avoid an Aunt Sylvia meltdown.
After all this charity work, you’ll then have to lie about how good it was, or about how you would love to eat more if you weren’t so full.
Is there feces in that?
Usually, these charity dishes have one dense, mystery ingredient. You’ll stare at it for while before reluctantly bringing it to your lips. Upon the food’s entering your mouth, it’s necessary to smack your lips together, smashing the nasty food repeatedly between your tongue and the roof of your mouth. This technique helps to guess the ingredient. During this process, you should shift your eyes from side to side to help identify anyone who might be catching on to your tactics.
After completing your ass-erole, it’s time for dessert. There will be at least as many dessert items as people attending. You’ll have to eat the one good dessert item, as well as one charity item, likely topped with coconut.
I have one final thought before I let you go for your Thanksgiving festivities. I truly think the can-shaped, pre-made cranberry sauce is superior to the homemade stuff. But, once again, dirty looks will make you eat the inferior, ground-up-intestine-looking homemade crap.
Bon Appétit! Whoops, that’s French. I meant “Freedom Appétit!”