I know someone who talks on their cell phone while they are in the can. I’m not talking about an in-and-out visit, either. More like 20 minutes or so in there. On the phone. On the toilet. Disgusting. If you’re expecting a call, and answer the phone while you’re in there, that’s one thing. But…
Ha. I love watching people when a cop car is around. They always drive five miles under the speed limit and stay squarely in their own lane. Last night, I was at a stop light. A police car was in the left lane. A truck was in front of me and wanted to turn right.…
The Eagles. Why? Because wide receiver Freddie Mitchell is friends with Mario Lopez. So what? Will I pick anyone who has Mario Lopez as a friend to win the Superbowl? No. Only those who are friends with both Mario Lopez and Jaleel White.
makes me want to kiss myself on the lips, which is pretty hard to do.
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart will be a new show on NBC. Shouldn’t they have had this show before she went to jail? What good will an apprentice do when the Queen of Quilts gets out?
Not to be confused with the hit movie starring Samuel L. Jackson. Last year, I switched to T-Mobile. After I signed up, Sprint PCS did everything but get on their knees (for various reasons) to keep me. I could’ve gotten the world from Sprint if I had threatened before switching. Well, it’s time again. For…
Have you ever noticed some random substance on your car, and you have no idea where it came from or what exactly it is? Take a look at the reddish substance on the door of my ’98 Corolla. What is that? Take a closer look. Gotta love the quality of camera-phones. I’m close to licking…
Can you believe this? Keanu Reeves gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before I do. Quick! Somebody get in a phone booth and stop Keanu from ever taking the “Johnny Utah” role in Point Break opposite Patrick “Crazy For” Swayze!
“Bird brains not as primitive as once thought” is the headline to this story. So the next time someone calls you “Bird Brain,” smile, and say, “Thank you.” Too bad. That was a good insult.
If I advertised on TV, I would demand that my commercial followed this phrase. After all, only the really cute, cuddly corporations help out the blind. By the way, I read for Audio-Reader, which turns magazines into little radio programs for blind people. Who wants to cuddle?
Apparently, when Roy Williams left Kansas for North Carolina two years ago, all of the old shirts with his name on it went to the gas stations in Lawrence. At least two different gas stations still have Roy Williams merchandise prominently displayed in their stores. You can get a “Roy’s Boys” shirt for five bucks…
Have you noticed that liquor stores are the only places that can name their store the exact same thing as what they sell? Go find a liquor store. There’s a 95 percent chance they have “Liquor,” “Wine and Liquor,” “Spirits,” or some other generic name. Especially if it’s in a strip mall. Why don’t they…
Besides piling a bunch of people in the back, there’s nothing trashier than the guy who drives his old, beat-up pickup truck with his girlfriend sitting in the middle seat with no other passengers. Isn’t that cute? They can’t stand not being next to each other. Sadly, everyone else can.
I’m not a big fan of having to use the public restroom after a case of too many hot wings, but it happens. I don’t know if anything in life scares me more than making accidental contact with the porcelain at a public toilet. Yes, that kind of contact. I don’t know if my technique…
Before the whole Janet Jackson thing, I would bite my fingernails at the beginning of NYPD Blue. If the screen before the show said “This police drama contains adult language and partial nudity. Viewer disrection is advised,” I would let out a cheer like Rocky’s son when Stallone started his comeback against Ivan Drago. If…
“This bread is pretty good, but it’d be better if it came in stick form.” I wonder who the first person to say that was. Whoever it was deserves some kind of humanitarian award, posthumously, of course. What an unbelievable food item. But there’s something even more unbelievable. Olive Garden, and more impressively, Fazoli’s give…
Remember when Slater’s chameleon died? Jessie led the procession with a moving rendition of “Oh, Artie Boy.” Take a listen.
“Singer Ricky Martin is on an urgent mission. Our cameras follow him inside the tsunami zone.” -from an Oprah promo Oprah, how desperate are you? Ricky Martin? This isn’t July 9, 1999, when Ricky and J.Lo were tearing it up before showing up on your show. “The tsunami zone?” Great word choice Oprah. Can more…
This show just doesn’t have it anymore. And it’s hurting its place in history. The writing is too formulaic: Lisa becomes an activist for some new cause, Marge is upset at Homer, Bart is clashing with Skinner, Homer is making weird noises. Wow, sounds like the characters are all based on Jessie, Kelly, Zach and…
I’m not a big pet guy. But I know cats are ten times better than dogs. A dog immediately goes for the signature nose-in-the-crotch move. They’re intrusive and obnoxious. They follow orders, do stupid tricks and attack people for no apparent reason. They crap on the carpet. Cats are more like us. They don’t listen.…
Have you seen Jared lately? He was on the NFL Today on CBS this past weekend, and looks like he’s traded in the Chicken Teriyaki Sub Diet for the Footlong Meatball in Every Orifice Diet. Enjoy the free-subs-for-life while they last Jare-bear, I smell a coronary coming soon.
You know how investigative shows will mask someone’s voice and put them in shadow lighting to hide their identity? Well what kind of vocal mask would they give someone who naturally talked like this?
It reminded me of a segment we did on the show (3:29 mp3 audio).
Ever need inspiration to bake a cake? Listen to Mrs. Cummings from Saved by the Bell. And why did Slater ever give up the chase for Kelly and settle on Jessie?
Anyone else sick of hearing this question yet? “But they have to ask it, because if they choose credit when you have a debit card it shows up differently and…” bologna. That word doesn’t come out very well in print. Baloney. There, that’s better. Debit cards are for preschoolers. “I can’t be responsible enough to…
Thank god, now I can sleep. When will fuchsia make the list?
I think this will be the year that we get sick of this show. There are too many other good shows on now. Lost and Desperate Housewives have saved us from more reality garbage. And who exactly does the hiring of executives at Fox? For some reason they are putting Wednesday’s AI head-to-head with Lost.…
PBS still replays “The Joy of Painting.” I can’t blame them. Bob Ross is easily the most underrated TV personality of all time. He does a complete painting in less than 30 minutes. Okay, I’m sure there are a lot of people who can do that. But he narrates every bit of it. And he…
Believe it or not, most people can’t live the same on Kansas Unemployment checks as they did when they had a job. One of the best ways to cut costs is to watch the food you eat. It’s not exactly an Atkins approved diet, but the Totino’s Party Pizza is easily the best way to…
What does it say when one of your city’s biggest issues is roundabouts? Apparently, some people can’t figure out how to drive around a circle. They’re as clumsy as Zack Morris before he took dance lessons to be on “Dance Party,” starring Casey Kasem. Yeah, roundabouts can be obnoxious and a little too European for…