Thanksgiving dinner is hours away, and I can only hope that I’m not too late in posting this warning. At Thanksgiving, you will eat something you wouldn’t otherwise ever eat. If it’s a potluck occasion, you’re doubly screwed. You see, there’s always one frightening dish at every Thanksgiving dinner. And, you’ll have to eat it.…
Mike Huckabee keeps trying to trick everyone into thinking he’s the Republican, less orally pleased Bill Clinton. He’ll really be pushing it once he starts playing guitar on the modern day version of Arsenio Hall (Ellen?). Note to the media: Yes, you saw “I Heart Huckabees.” That doesn’t give you the right to put “_____…
I was pretty much through with this show, but got suckered into watching it last night. Rosie O’Donnell is on four episodes of Nip/Tuck this season. I’m sure it was her idea to have the “ass bandit” story line inserted (teehee). Seeing Rosie’s face while a couple of digits plunged into her rectum was everything I…
Why is Thanksgiving a month from Christmas? Many people live far away from their families. Others just see each other on the major holidays regardless of location. Don’t you think that’s a bit too much “family time” all at once? Isn’t it a bit too much food all at once, too? Shouldn’t the holidays be…
I don’t want to turn this into “The Bodily Functions Blog,” but my right eyebrow is twitching. Observe.
Google Trends is a pretty cool tool for seeing what the world is searching for over a given time period. I subscribe to an RSS feed in Google Reader that delivers the latest hot trends. Some pretty random stuff shows up. For example, tonight’s 11 pm feed shows Habba Syndrome at number 13. What is…
Fred Goldman is still pissed at O.J. “Our intent is to continue to pursue him, to continue to hold him accountable and responsible for Ron’s murder,” he said during a recent phone interview from his daughter’s home in the Los Angeles suburb of Santa Clarita. “And we’re going to continue to do that until he’s dead.”…
I have a cold. As a result, I have a perfectly functioning left nostril and a continuously clogged right nostril. I can successfully blow the right nostril clean for 0.238 seconds before it clogs back up. Where does this endless snot reservoir reside within me? Why does its hose only lead to my right nostril? Is…
I went to the 810 Zone on the Plaza Saturday night. We, or at least I, drank way too much beer while spending the entire time in the impressive arcade room. I showed off my amazing strengh on the punching bag machine. We decided I was, pound for pound, the best boxer to ever…
Girls breasts are getting bigger with every generation. Check out this article and all the hilarious profile shots of grandma’s tiny boobs, mom’s medium boobs, and daughter’s suffocation sacks. Here’s one family’s sample. See how the smug, big-breasted look on the face of the youngest contrasts with the humble, washboard-chested look on grandma’s face? This…
Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They’re quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you’re not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it’s quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can’t explain. It’s more of a “Did I just crap myself?”…
Poor Barry. Barry Bonds, Major League Baseball’s all-time home-run leader, was indicted by a U.S. grand jury on charges of obstructing justice and perjury for lying about using steroids. This doesn’t affect my unending desire to play the Barry World on Super Mario Galaxy.
Check out those silly teens. More than four in 10 teens, or 43 percent, who instant message use it for things they wouldn’t say in person, according to an Associated Press-AOL poll released Thursday. Twenty-two percent use IMs to ask people out on dates or accept them, and 13 percent use them to break up.…
First, Marie Osmond faints on Dancing with the Stars. Now, her son’s going into rehab. What exactly are they smoking at the Osmond house? I would pass on that pipe, if I were you. Apparently, it causes your hair to go mad, too. Locks of Love needs that mane, Marie And, for the fun of…
Gene Simmons shares his insight on the music industry. There is nothing in me that wants to go in there and do new music. How are you going to deliver it? How are you going to get paid for it if people can just get it for free? The record industry doesn’t have a f—ing…
The United States bridge team is facing a “Dixie Chicks-style backlash” for the sign below, which reads “We did not vote for Bush.” They were trying to convey a “hey, we didn’t vote for him, don’t boo us” message at the world bridge championships. What did they convey instead? Only our fuglies were smart enough…
Matt Damon is People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Mama Fratelli retains her title as Ugliest Woman Dead.
Read about Paris Hilton: Activist. Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton’s was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers’ homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.…
This ad for “Hydroderm” is ridiculous. The left side of her face suffered at the hands of an acid spill, apparently. Look what happens when you make a complete face out of each half. With Hydroderm, your gray hair disappears, your face plumps up, your eyes become brighter, but unfortunately, you can no longer comfortably…
A guy is gay, but a woman is a lesbian. But a lesbian is also gay. “Lesbian” just helps specify the sex of the gay without adding extra words. There’s a word specifically for men who are gay, but it’s not a nice word. How come the lesbians get their own word, and the male…
Before reading on, study the smiles on Bob Vila and Norm Abram. Vila’s smile is phony. He doesn’t enjoy being this close to Norm. Vila wonders how much he gets paid for this photo shoot with Norm. He’s thinking it’s not enough. Norm’s smile is legit. He’s loving life in this picture. That’s not to…
My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I’d clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy. 1. No blankets allowed on a bar’s patio. I was on the…
“Made in China” sure doesn’t have the sweet ring that it used to. Check out what they’re putting in our toys now. Aqua Dots, which features small beads that bond with water, are made with a chemical the body converts to gamma-hydroxy butyrate, commonly known as the date-rape drug. Two children in the U.S. who…
Hollywood writers are on strike. We’re already screwed with late night television, and scripted shows could go into reruns next. Yes, it will be annoying if the strike affects our TV watching, but the idea of the picket line bothers me more. Are the studio executives unaware of their writers striking? Is this why they…
Lou Dobbs says: As I say in my new book — Independents Day: Awakening the American Spirit — the arrogance of our political leaders now threatens the future of our nation, and their elitist sense of entitlement has reached such heights that our leaders are now openly dismissive of the will of the people. Working…
Have you ever read a quote from a famous person, and you can almost hear them saying it? They usually have to have a distinct voice. Michael Jackson has this power over me in this article about an article about the 25th anniversary of “Thriller.” Michael Jackson knows his reputation as a freak — but…
Have you heard about the baby with eight limbs? As of this writing, the baby’s 40-hour surgery to remove her excess limbs is going quite well. Here are some of the twisted highlights: “We’ve managed to remove the parasitic twin out of Lakshmi’s body and started reconstructing her pelvic bone. We have managed to get…
Me, dad and the bros went to the KU-Fort Hays State basketball game tonight. KU started with a 14-2 lead, so I thought we’d end up with seven times the points of Fort Hays State. 93-56 was the final. That isn’t even double their points. Weak. How come no team ever ends up with seven…
Okay, can we get a week off from something going horribly wrong in the Middle East? Now, Pakistan’s causing trouble before the American public could even figure out how to pronounce “Ahmadinejad.” There’s a war in Iraq, Turkey’s pissed, and we’re still trying to fix Israeli-Palestinian relations. Seriously, the Middle East is not a fun…
America’s been hankering for a Rosie fix. And we might finally get it. Under one scenario, Ms. O’Donnell would be given the 9 p.m. slot each weeknight on MSNBC, where she would go head-to-head with two heavyweights of cable talk: “Larry King Live” on CNN and “Hannity & Colmes” on Fox News. That’s right, you’ll…