{"id":121,"date":"2005-09-12T23:24:00","date_gmt":"2005-09-12T23:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mattstooks.kcmarketer.com\/?p=121"},"modified":"2005-09-12T23:24:00","modified_gmt":"2005-09-12T23:24:00","slug":"marthas-new-gig","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/?p=121","title":{"rendered":"Martha&#8217;s New Gig"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>HAHA!<\/p>\n<p>I just watched Martha Stewart&#8217;s new show, <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">Martha. <\/span>It&#8217;s like her old show, but more awkward.<\/p>\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/mattstooks.com\/martha091205.jpg\" \/><\/div>\n<p> Go ahead, Martha.  Force that smile.  Look at how phony she is!  I think a little bit of her soul dies every time she smiles.<\/p>\n<p>They started the show with her holding a dog. She can&#8217;t pull it off! It&#8217;s taking every fiber of her being to resist choking the life out of the dog! Somebody get that thing away from the dog!<\/p>\n<p>Later on, she has a stuffed animal. Phew! She still wants to tear the head off the thing, but at least she won&#8217;t get arrested for it.<\/p>\n<p>She has a studio audience and guests.  Today she had Marcia Cross from <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">Desperate Housewives.  <\/span><\/p>\n<div style=\"text-align: center;\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"width: 204px; height: 306px;\" src=\"http:\/\/mattstooks.com\/marciacross091205.jpg\" \/><\/p>\n<div style=\"text-align: left;\">It was excruciating! But I couldn&#8217;t stop watching! Martha is TV crack!<\/p>\n<p>Check out <a href=\"http:\/\/mattstooks.com\/martha_marcia_%20cross_%20awkward091205.mp3\">Martha&#8217;s awkwardly scripted attempt at being funny.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Then, you can tell she has no idea about the <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">Desperate Housewives<\/span> <a href=\"http:\/\/mattstooks.com\/martha_has_no_clue091205.mp3\">as she brings up the show&#8217;s soundtrack and then cuts Marcia off.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>HAHA!<\/p>\n<p>That&#8217;s not it!<\/p>\n<p>Martha then <a href=\"http:\/\/mattstooks.com\/martha_fake_invite_to_her_place091205.mp3\">gives an illegitimate invite to the crowd to come watch the <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">Desperate Housewives <\/span>DVDs at her place.  The idiot crowd believes her!<\/a><\/p>\n<p>But the best part of this show is a ripoff of <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">Oprah.  <\/span><\/p>\n<p>She has a guest on who makes meatballs.<\/p>\n<p>The poor crowd!<\/p>\n<p>They&#8217;re stuck just feet away from some of the most salivating, luscious meatballs in the world!<\/p>\n<p>Just out of reach!<\/p>\n<p>Oh no!<\/p>\n<p>What&#8217;s a crowd to do?<\/p>\n<p>Don&#8217;t worry!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/mattstooks.com\/martha_who_wants_meatballs091205.mp3\">Martha has meatballs for everybody!<\/a><\/p>\n<p>And they scream for the meatballs!<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;YESSSSSSSSSSS!&#8221; roars one audience member.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Put them in my mouth!&#8221; yells another.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I want to lick you Martha!&#8221; comes yet another member of the crowd.<\/p>\n<p>How come I never see anyone act this way when it&#8217;s free samples at the grocery store?<\/p>\n<p>I almost used a sad-face emoticon after that last sentence.  For that, I apologize.<\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>HAHA! I just watched Martha Stewart&#8217;s new show, Martha. It&#8217;s like her old show, but more awkward. Go ahead, Martha. Force that smile. Look at how phony she is! I think a little bit of her soul dies every time she smiles. They started the show with her holding a dog. She can&#8217;t pull it [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-121","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4pzeu-1X","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/121","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=121"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/121\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=121"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=121"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattstooks.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=121"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}