Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You're magnetic -- truly, a creature of irresistible mystery. Get set to dazzle the next person who crosses your path. They'll stay dazzled! And they’ll even tell their friends! Holding a dead squirrel in your mouth is no easy feat.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Trying to read someone's mind? Stop before you start losing your own. The truth is you'll never know exactly what this person was thinking when they said that. Sometimes the phrase “doodoo head” has nothing to do with that accident you had in the Johnny on the Spot.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your sign is deeply misunderstood. Sure, you're dangerous -- but only when provoked. Make sure to give a certain party one or two warning signs. Showing off your pit stains should do the job.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You're holding onto something very tightly because you know deep in your heart that it's yours. What about loosening that grasp? Not only will you get some breathing space, but you'll also get a longer lifespan out of your TMX Elmo.

Stooks Proverb: The eyes are the window to the soul. You might want to think about closing the blinds to keep that creep with the binoculars from getting too good a look...especially with that fat naked guy walking around your soul.