I’m not worried he’ll die in office. His longevity concerns me, nonetheless. If he causes the world to explode, he really didn’t have much time left, anyway. It’s like letting a rapist go on a Girls Gone Wild photoshoot right before you castrate him. Sorry, that’s the first analogy that popped into my head.
Matt Stooks.com
That not-so-fresh feeling between your ears.
Cell phones continue to ruin society
As I was leaving Wendy’s for lunch yesterday, a young woman was sitting, Indian style, just outside the door. She was on her cell having a loud, uncomfortable, bitch-out session with her boyfriend.
What the hell is wrong with people? And you just know her and the douche on the other end of the phone are going to have ten dumbass kids together.
The Olympics are on. Do something awful.
Like a child distracted by jingling car keys, we’re all too busy creaming ourselves over Phelps to see anything else.
John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the Presidential campaign she encouraged him to run, even though she was in awful shape.
Russia worked up a massive boner and has been waving it in Bush’s face with its invasion of U.S. ally Georgia.
At least the opening ceremonies freaked out a lot of people. You can pull off quite the scene when you force all your citizens to play their assigned role to perfection.
How to vote
You’re surfing the Internet in your trailer to see if you can find a payday loan place that’s less crowded than the one in your neighborhood. Then, you get an email telling you that America-hating Obama painted over the American flag on his plane.
Sounds like you should be voting for McCain. He doesn’t have a flag on his plane either, but you’ll never find that out. At least McCain won’t raise taxes on your capital gains, right?
Imagine how cool this country would be if people voted for their interests instead of personality smears.
Tip for dog lovers
My roommates’ dog Berry likes to chew on anything (too much teeth, not good for recreational purposes). But Prewitt’s wifebeater has been available for chewing all week. The dog sniffs the shirt, gets Prewitt’s scent, and leaves it alone.
Moral of the story: If you don’t want your dog chewing on something, piss on it.
Troubling statistic
The Royals are 27-32 at home. After last night, they are 1-9 when I attend.
Home winning percentage: 46%
Me winning percentage: 10%
I must be emanating some awful aura that spreads through the stadium and affects this team.
Plants are overrated
A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence. Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on.
I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile.
Screw waterboarding. If interrogators use poison ivy on terror suspects, you’d find Osama in seconds. Okay, not seconds, but seconds after symptoms heighten 2-4 days after contact. Do you think poison ivy grows in the Middle East? Sand dwellers would freak at the powers of this mystery plant. USA! Note to CIA: Why haven’t you hired me yet?
Something good will come of this. I will stop being a pissy little bitch about bug bites for maybe a whole week.
Dirty Band-Aid. Yum.
We went to Pittsburg, Kansas for a bachelor party last weekend. A treat was waiting on the hotel air conditioner upon our arrival.
To repay the favor, we took turns soiling a condom and then slapped it on the mirror for the next guests’ enjoyment.
With our boringness combined…
In a stunning turn of events, Sunday’s Meet The Press managed to put the most amount of boring on a television set in the history of the medium.
When’s Russert coming back from vacation to clean this place up?
Not as good as The Dark Knight
Remember how terrible Batman & Robin was? Thanks to Chris Casey for pointing out this nugget: “BATMAN AND ROBIN WORST MOVIE EVER.”
It’s missing from the montage, but my favorite line from that movie was when a police officer used his last breath to point out to the other cops that “Our lungs…(gasp)…are freezing!”
