If Charmin’s toilet paper is good enough for a bear’s asshole, it must be good enough for mine.
Bears have notoriously sensitive assholes. While camping, one should take care to hide any and all deluxe toilet paper and baby wipes. In the event of an attack, wipe the bear asshole with leaves.
Top 10 keywords for mattstooks.com
Dear bum,
Stop asking me for spare change.
I don’t have spare change. I have change that I’ve yet to spend. If the monetary system collapses and my change ceases to have worth, I will have spare change.
I also don’t have an extra cigarette for you. I don’t have cigarettes for myself. And, if I did, what causes a cigarette to become “extra?”
“Yes, I was planning on smoking exactly six of these cigarettes, yet I have seven. This one is extra. Enjoy.”
Do you hope that a random person walking by just might happen to be quitting and looking to get rid of extra cigarettes?
You give bums a bad name.
Matt
One type of homeless creates a drive-thru for begging. The homeless will choose a high-traffic intersection with rare pedestrian traffic.
A drive-thru begger has a tiny cardboard sign with illegible writing. If you give him money, he could buy a Sharpie, make a better sign, then get high off the Sharpie. Or maybe he should get high off the Sharpie before making the sign. It’s really up to the individual homeless to decide whether to influence his art with Sharpie sniffing.
What is the business model for drive-thru begging?
While we all enjoy the convenience of ignoring a freezing beggar from the comfort of our climate-controlled vehicles, I don’t think we’ve been rewarding this premium service by throwing change out the window.
Drive-thru beggars deserve higher pay. Next opportunity, throw some coins out your window at a beggar as you drive by. That’s change we all can believe in.
Sasquatch 4 (58 second mp3)
A jewelry store had this ridiculous sign outside their Plaza remodel job.
“He loves dogs as much as I do” seems to be the winning answer for “How do you know you are loved?” Just look at the giant text.
I find this answer twisted.
My first thought, is You know you are loved because he loves dogs as much as you do? That only makes sense if you are both loving dogs in a way that only two, lifelong poodle-screwers could.
Sick.
Van talked me into creating another Sasquatch Back to School. Enjoy.
Sasquatch Back to School 3 (1:38 mp3)
Every time I see someone with a mangled face, I nod in appreciation of their courage to show that face in public.
If I had a disfigured face, I would never leave the house.
I would have everything delivered. I would wear a ski mask when I answered the door.
I’m not sure how I would make money. I bet I could get on disability with a face like that.
I want to congratulate the world on having good breath today. What a pleasant surprise.
From Chris Casey:
