Katy Perry at the Democratic Convention

Steve Schnell reports on Katy Perry’s performance, and her friends who joined her on stage.

Pokemon Username and Password

Out-Of-App Purchase

Excessive Heat Warning

Tips to stay cool.

Pokemon Well Hunt

What are your coordinates?

Pokemon Church Hunt

Must catch at least one…

Man on the Street: Pokemon

Pokemongate 2016

Pokemon Horseback Hunt

The hunt continues…

Pokemon Helicopter Hunt

Gotta catch em all…from the sky.

Pokemon River Hunt

Pokemon Go is sweeping the nation.

Fireworks While Driving

“Taylor Swift” calls in to shoot off some fireworks over the phone.

Artisanal Aerial Fireworks

Handmade with care.

Merry Mattresses

May all of your mattresses be merry.

Bjork’s Forks

For all of your fork needs, Bjork’s Forks.

Handmade

Gas station food is underrated.

However, gas station food branded as “handmade” is inferior to “machine-made” for marketing at such an establishment.

Do I want the gas station people’s hands in my gas station pizza? No thanks. A machine that makes my pizza, now that would be delightful.

Workplace small talk

After thorough testing, I can’t recommend this particular small-talk template:

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: It’s going.

Me: Well, that’s better than it being stopped.

Coworker: silence

Warning

STAY BACK 200 FEET

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKEN WINDSHIELDS DUE TO OUR EXCESSIVE SPEED AND/OR OTHER RECKLESSNESS.

IF WE CUT YOU OFF WITHIN THE 200-FEET BUFFER, BLAST OUT YOUR WINDSHIELD WITH GRAVEL, AND MURDER YOUR FAMILY, THEN YOU SHOULD’VE GOT BACK 200 FEET QUICKER.

IMMUNITY WARNING MESSAGE COMPLETE.

Disclaimer

The views of this weblog do not necessarily reflect the views of its owner, its staff, its writer, or anyone who has ever existed or will exist in the future.

A bear ass, revisited

In the post “A bear ass”, I argue that toilet paper ads indicate bears have sensitive assholes, therefore bears require Charmin or some other high-end brand.

Now, I’ve come to the realization that dingleberries might be a contributing factor. I could see a comfortable, absorbent two-ply toilet paper wiping out dingleberries in a more efficient manner than “Brand X”, one-ply toilet paper.

Note: “toilet paper” and “tissue paper” are synonyms and usage may vary. However, I dislike the term “tissue paper.” You aren’t fooling anyone at the store into thinking you are using this for anything but wiping your ass.

Smartphone at the stoplight

The “text and die” campaign is a failure. Drivers can’t stop murdering on the roadways.

I suggest a different slogan:

“Text at the stoplight, accelerate late, and feel the fury of a dozen eyes in the six cars trapped behind you.”

Fireworks

Flame at the hands of man.

Conquer species, conquer the world, then drink and blow stuff up for fun.

Man’s evolution.

“I could care less”

“Do you mean you couldn’t care less?”

“No. I could care less. Give me more info. I’m only going to continue to care less and less to the point that I couldn’t possibly care less.”

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

In this 90-second podcast, we learn the real lesson from the Brady Bunch episode “Her sister’s shadow”.

Unsubscribe

I subscribed to a variety of newsletters at checkout through the years. Hoping to score big savings from a variety of online vendors, I allowed constant assault on my inbox.

I needed to ween myself off e-newsletters.

Upon unsubscription, most online merchants politely complied. The remaining merchants complied and bid adieu, but warned it might take 7-10 days before my request takes effect.

We agree to exist in this world because Internet gives us everything we want, immediately.

If I sent my unsubscribe message through the postal service, and included a self-addressed stamped envelope, then I’d understand the delay.

Adam’s tragic Valentine’s greeting

Fake Adam Levine called the show to deliver a tragic Valentine’s greeting. (137 seconds)

Ikea Campout

The high cost of free sofas (59 seconds)

This American Life: Lip smacks only

Sick of sitting through a full hour of This American Life just so you can get your “Ira Glass Lip Smack” fix?

Enjoy my edit of an episode of This American Life (16 seconds).

Roadside Memorials

Why erect a roadside memorial?

Typically a cross with flowers and a photo, the roadside memorial marks the life of a loved one at the exact death spot.

Is the intention to honor the dead? To promote safe driving? To protect the highway via the deceased souls?

Regardless of the intent, the roadside memorial distracts motorists and causes further tragedy.

Important Message from Target

Dear loyal Target customer,

Did you hear? Criminals broke into our system and might now own your debit and credit card data.

I thought I should tell you they might have also stolen your name, mailing address, phone number or email address. Possibly all of those things. Probably.

I am writing to tell you that if you will simply click on any link in this email, we can rectify the situation. Target is offering one year of free credit monitoring.

Before proceeding, make sure you have scans of your social security card, fingerprints, both retinas, DNA, mother’s maiden name, and your first born’s name and social security number. And dental records. Almost forgot.

Thank you for your patience as we work to resolve this matter.

Target takes your personal information very seriously. We will work on the “holding” part next.

Sincerely,

[CEO name here]

Microwave of the Future

My microwave’s display flashes “FOOD IS READY” when the timer hits zero.

How does the microwave know the food is ready? It doesn’t know. It’s a liar.

If you place a chicken breast in the microwave, and set the timer for 30 seconds, does that mean the chicken is done when the microwave beeps three times and “FOOD IS READY”?

You and I understand “FOOD IS READY” means the microwave successfully microwaved your item for the requested number of seconds, not that the food is indeed “READY”.

But what happens when I upgrade to a computerized model in 2033, and kick the 2008 model to the curb? What if some poor fool stumbles upon it and makes it his own?

Will this young “Man of the Future” be sophisticated enough to know there was a time when microwaves didn’t cook all items to perfection? Simply type in the number of seconds you want it to take to cook your chicken breast, and boom, the microwave cooks the food in the desired time. Microwave assures “FOOD IS READY”.

Consumer digs in and suffers from salmonella.

October Advisory

October Advisory: Beware Fall Colors (41 seconds mp3)

Toilet Training

I’ve struggled with the toilet at work since I arrived four months ago.

It took me a few weeks to figure out the proper sequence and timing of flushes to evacuate the bowl. I would flush, wait a second, add an additional flush, and then a final flush a second later to finish it off. The flushes would overlap, in effect.

Well someone tweaked the flush, and now I find myself struggling to evacuate the bowl again.

The toilet flush is so intense initially, it obliterates the feces into a million bits, rather than gently coaxing the log through like you would expect from a proper toilet. After doing this, the flush weakens rapidly and simply scatters the feces around the bowl, necessitating the additional flushes.

Debate Watch Tips 2012

Tips for how to watch a debate. (27 seconds mp3)

Romney’s Got A Three-Punch Plan

Romney’s Got A Three Punch Plan (2:37 mp3)

Three-hole punch a woman

Man on the street: Bindergate (2:51 mp3)

Christopher Columbus Advisory

Christopher Columbus Advisory (34-second mp3)

Sesame Street Woes Aggravate Carbuncle

Sesame Street Woes Aggravate Carbuncle (91 second mp3)

Medium Bird speaks out

BigBirdGate 2012: An Interview with Medium Bird. 95 seconds.

How to watch the Chiefs

How to watch the Chiefs (23 seconds)

Three Vladimirs go to Mars, I think

Vladimir Putins’ trips to Mars (1:22 mp3)

IKEA!

IKEA is coming to Kansas City in 2014, and the metro couldn’t be happier.

IKEA is coming (49 sec mp3)

Bacon shortage business boom at Porky Expresso

After a five year break, I’m back on the radio. Afternoons 3-7 on K-Jo 105.5 in St. Joe.

Anyway, how about a show clip? Woo.

Rumors swirled about Bacon Shortage of 2013. It’s hoaxish, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have mass hysteria.

Stooks Reporter Steve Schnell caught up with Hanna Illbean from the Porky Expresso Coffee and Bacon Shop to discuss the rumor.

The Porky Expresso Coffee and Bacon Shop (2:18 mp3)

Caps askew

Have you seen the teen who runs around with his ball cap askew?

The bill is perfectly flat. It’s in the two o’clock position.

Why not point the bill straight ahead? It would give equal shade to both eyes.

If the sun were at two o’clock, it would make sense to point the cap that direction. I doubt this particular teen has that much sense.

A bear ass

If Charmin’s toilet paper is good enough for a bear’s asshole, it must be good enough for mine.

Bears have notoriously sensitive assholes. While camping, one should take care to hide any and all deluxe toilet paper and baby wipes. In the event of an attack, wipe the bear asshole with leaves.

Results are in!

Top 10 keywords for mattstooks.com

Spare change and cigarettes

Dear bum,

Stop asking me for spare change.

I don’t have spare change. I have change that I’ve yet to spend. If the monetary system collapses and my change ceases to have worth, I will have spare change.

I also don’t have an extra cigarette for you. I don’t have cigarettes for myself. And, if I did, what causes a cigarette to become “extra?”

“Yes, I was planning on smoking exactly six of these cigarettes, yet I have seven. This one is extra. Enjoy.”

Do you hope that a random person walking by just might happen to be quitting and looking to get rid of extra cigarettes?

You give bums a bad name.

Matt

Tip the drive-thru beggar

One type of homeless creates a drive-thru for begging. The homeless will choose a high-traffic intersection with rare pedestrian traffic.

A drive-thru begger has a tiny cardboard sign with illegible writing. If you give him money, he could buy a Sharpie, make a better sign, then get high off the Sharpie. Or maybe he should get high off the Sharpie before making the sign. It’s really up to the individual homeless to decide whether to influence his art with Sharpie sniffing.

What is the business model for drive-thru begging?

While we all enjoy the convenience of ignoring a freezing beggar from the comfort of our climate-controlled vehicles, I don’t think we’ve been rewarding this premium service by throwing change out the window.

Drive-thru beggars deserve higher pay. Next opportunity, throw some coins out your window at a beggar as you drive by. That’s change we all can believe in.

Sasquatch 4

Sasquatch 4 (58 second mp3)

Dog lovers

A jewelry store had this ridiculous sign outside their Plaza remodel job.

“He loves dogs as much as I do” seems to be the winning answer for “How do you know you are loved?” Just look at the giant text.

I find this answer twisted.

You know you are loved because he loves dogs as much as you do? That only makes sense if you are both loving dogs in a way that only two, lifelong poodle-screwers could.

Sick.

Sasquatch 3

Van talked me into creating another Sasquatch Back to School.  Enjoy.

Sasquatch Back to School 3 (1:38 mp3)

Uglyface

Every time I see someone with a mangled face, I nod in appreciation of their courage to show that face in public.

If I had a disfigured face, I would never leave the house.

I would have everything delivered. I would wear a ski mask when I answered the door.

I’m not sure how I would make money. I bet I could get on disability with a face like that.