Dear Olive Garden,
If I wanted to eat things I couldn’t pronounce, I’d go to a real Italian restaurant.
Now, where are those fresh breadsticks you promised?
Matt
Matt Stooks.com
That not-so-fresh feeling between your ears.
Contemplative
This face comes in handy when dealing with a question accompanied by bad breath.
Hot off the toilet
The Dusty Bookshelf sells previously owned books. One of the sections is “New Arrivals.” I avoid this section, as these books have been near feces more recently than the books living in other sections. ”New Arrivals” should really be “Hot off the toilet.”
Punctuality
I’ll meet you at six. Actually, you get there at 5:55. I’ll be there at six. I’ll know to look for you when I arrive, and you’ll know to look for me at the door. This will spare us awkward looks.
Remembering Facebook
I quit Facebook two months ago.
I no longer know the pets of people I barely spoke to in high school.
Let’s golf!
Worried about the cold weather affecting your golf swing? Worry no more. With weather.com, you’ll know just how to dress for the golf course tomorrow.
The link brings us to this page, which leads with:
Low temperatures won’t keep a hardy soul off the golf course. Why should they? Take the following steps to make sure you enjoy yourself##and play to your potential##in the chill.
The random “##” aren’t mine. They belong to the page in question.
Unfortunately, the article doesn’t mention how to get out of the rough in a foot of snow.
Planning New Year’s resolutions
If you live in a place where Winter destroys you in January, it doesn’t make sense to enact your massive self-improvement goals on New Year’s. Sure, a new year is a great time to evaluate yourself and plan some changes, but a frozen brain isn’t all that malleable.
Put those goals off until Spring – that’s the time to kick some ass. Plus, you won’t be the douche who shows up at the gym at the new year and then vanishes after two weeks. You can bet your ass the staff is rating your chances.
Working with snow
I’ve noticed a lot of trash cans on my neighbor’s driveways. Isn’t it a dick move to put out trash during zero-degree, snow-in-your-face weather? Can’t you spare the working man and wait a week to have your filth escorted away?
Meanwhile, I can’t spare the mailman. I’ve ran into him twice since Christmas while clearing my driveway. He’s had mail for me both times, and each time I feel like an ass for making him trounce through the snow to bring me coupons and bullshit. And, he delivers at 9am! Sorry, Doug. If it were up to me, you’d get snow days.
Disturbing DIRECTV ad
Does this bother you? It feels a little dirty to me.
R.I.P. John Stossel
The Stoss has made the jump to Fox News. The man we know and love is no more.
This move earns a rating of “No Stashes. Clean shaven.”
