Tommy The Turkey

Tommy the Turkey called into the show today, worried someone will consume him on Thanksgiving.

Beat the Heat 2017

My on-the-street reporter Steve Schnell struggles to find anyone to interview at the playground during a Heat Advisory.

Katy Perry at the Democratic Convention

Steve Schnell reports on Katy Perry’s performance, and her friends who joined her on stage.

Pokemon Username and Password

Out-Of-App Purchase

Excessive Heat Warning

Tips to stay cool.

Pokemon Well Hunt

What are your coordinates?

Pokemon Church Hunt

Must catch at least one…

Man on the Street: Pokemon

Pokemongate 2016

Pokemon Horseback Hunt

The hunt continues…

Pokemon Helicopter Hunt

Gotta catch em all…from the sky.

Pokemon River Hunt

Pokemon Go is sweeping the nation.

Fireworks While Driving

“Taylor Swift” calls in to shoot off some fireworks over the phone.

Artisanal Aerial Fireworks

Handmade with care.

Merry Mattresses

May all of your mattresses be merry.

Bjork’s Forks

For all of your fork needs, Bjork’s Forks.

Handmade

Gas station food is underrated.

However, gas station food branded as “handmade” is inferior to “machine-made” for marketing at such an establishment.

Do I want the gas station people’s hands in my gas station pizza? No thanks. A machine that makes my pizza, now that would be delightful.

Workplace small talk

After thorough testing, I can’t recommend this particular small-talk template:

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: It’s going.

Me: Well, that’s better than it being stopped.

Coworker: silence

Warning

STAY BACK 200 FEET

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKEN WINDSHIELDS DUE TO OUR EXCESSIVE SPEED AND/OR OTHER RECKLESSNESS.

IF WE CUT YOU OFF WITHIN THE 200-FEET BUFFER, BLAST OUT YOUR WINDSHIELD WITH GRAVEL, AND MURDER YOUR FAMILY, THEN YOU SHOULD’VE GOT BACK 200 FEET QUICKER.

IMMUNITY WARNING MESSAGE COMPLETE.

Disclaimer

The views of this weblog do not necessarily reflect the views of its owner, its staff, its writer, or anyone who has ever existed or will exist in the future.

A bear ass, revisited

In the post “A bear ass”, I argue that toilet paper ads indicate bears have sensitive assholes, therefore bears require Charmin or some other high-end brand.

Now, I’ve come to the realization that dingleberries might be a contributing factor. I could see a comfortable, absorbent two-ply toilet paper wiping out dingleberries in a more efficient manner than “Brand X”, one-ply toilet paper.

Note: “toilet paper” and “tissue paper” are synonyms and usage may vary. However, I dislike the term “tissue paper.” You aren’t fooling anyone at the store into thinking you are using this for anything but wiping your ass.

Smartphone at the stoplight

The “text and die” campaign is a failure. Drivers can’t stop murdering on the roadways.

I suggest a different slogan:

“Text at the stoplight, accelerate late, and feel the fury of a dozen eyes in the six cars trapped behind you.”

Fireworks

Flame at the hands of man.

Conquer species, conquer the world, then drink and blow stuff up for fun.

Man’s evolution.

“I could care less”

“Do you mean you couldn’t care less?”

“No. I could care less. Give me more info. I’m only going to continue to care less and less to the point that I couldn’t possibly care less.”

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

In this 90-second podcast, we learn the real lesson from the Brady Bunch episode “Her sister’s shadow”.

Unsubscribe

I subscribed to a variety of newsletters at checkout through the years. Hoping to score big savings from a variety of online vendors, I allowed constant assault on my inbox.

I needed to ween myself off e-newsletters.

Upon unsubscription, most online merchants politely complied. The remaining merchants complied and bid adieu, but warned it might take 7-10 days before my request takes effect.

We agree to exist in this world because Internet gives us everything we want, immediately.

If I sent my unsubscribe message through the postal service, and included a self-addressed stamped envelope, then I’d understand the delay.

Adam’s tragic Valentine’s greeting

Fake Adam Levine called the show to deliver a tragic Valentine’s greeting. (137 seconds)

Ikea Campout

The high cost of free sofas (59 seconds)

This American Life: Lip smacks only

Sick of sitting through a full hour of This American Life just so you can get your “Ira Glass Lip Smack” fix?

Enjoy my edit of an episode of This American Life (16 seconds).

Roadside Memorials

Why erect a roadside memorial?

Typically a cross with flowers and a photo, the roadside memorial marks the life of a loved one at the exact death spot.

Is the intention to honor the dead? To promote safe driving? To protect the highway via the deceased souls?

Regardless of the intent, the roadside memorial distracts motorists and causes further tragedy.

Important Message from Target

Dear loyal Target customer,

Did you hear? Criminals broke into our system and might now own your debit and credit card data.

I thought I should tell you they might have also stolen your name, mailing address, phone number or email address. Possibly all of those things. Probably.

I am writing to tell you that if you will simply click on any link in this email, we can rectify the situation. Target is offering one year of free credit monitoring.

Before proceeding, make sure you have scans of your social security card, fingerprints, both retinas, DNA, mother’s maiden name, and your first born’s name and social security number. And dental records. Almost forgot.

Thank you for your patience as we work to resolve this matter.

Target takes your personal information very seriously. We will work on the “holding” part next.

Sincerely,

[CEO name here]