Fireworks

Flame at the hands of man.

Conquer species, conquer the world, then drink and blow stuff up for fun.

Man’s evolution.

“I could care less”

“Do you mean you couldn’t care less?”

“No. I could care less. Give me more info. I’m only going to continue to care less and less to the point that I couldn’t possibly care less.”

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

In this 90-second podcast, we learn the real lesson from the Brady Bunch episode “Her sister’s shadow”.

Unsubscribe

I subscribed to a variety of newsletters at checkout through the years. Hoping to score big savings from a variety of online vendors, I allowed constant assault on my inbox.

I needed to ween myself off e-newsletters.

Upon unsubscription, most online merchants politely complied. The remaining merchants complied and bid adieu, but warned it might take 7-10 days before my request takes effect.

We agree to exist in this world because Internet gives us everything we want, immediately.

If I sent my unsubscribe message through the postal service, and included a self-addressed stamped envelope, then I’d understand the delay.

Adam’s tragic Valentine’s greeting

Fake Adam Levine called the show to deliver a tragic Valentine’s greeting. (137 seconds)

Ikea Campout

The high cost of free sofas (59 seconds)

This American Life: Lip smacks only

Sick of sitting through a full hour of This American Life just so you can get your “Ira Glass Lip Smack” fix?

Enjoy my edit of an episode of This American Life (16 seconds).

Roadside Memorials

Why erect a roadside memorial?

Typically a cross with flowers and a photo, the roadside memorial marks the life of a loved one at the exact death spot.

Is the intention to honor the dead? To promote safe driving? To protect the highway via the deceased souls?

Regardless of the intent, the roadside memorial distracts motorists and causes further tragedy.

Important Message from Target

Dear loyal Target customer,

Did you hear? Criminals broke into our system and might now own your debit and credit card data.

I thought I should tell you they might have also stolen your name, mailing address, phone number or email address. Possibly all of those things. Probably.

I am writing to tell you that if you will simply click on any link in this email, we can rectify the situation. Target is offering one year of free credit monitoring.

Before proceeding, make sure you have scans of your social security card, fingerprints, both retinas, DNA, mother’s maiden name, and your first born’s name and social security number. And dental records. Almost forgot.

Thank you for your patience as we work to resolve this matter.

Target takes your personal information very seriously. We will work on the “holding” part next.

Sincerely,

[CEO name here]

Microwave of the Future

My microwave’s display flashes “FOOD IS READY” when the timer hits zero.

How does the microwave know the food is ready? It doesn’t know. It’s a liar.

If you place a chicken breast in the microwave, and set the timer for 30 seconds, does that mean the chicken is done when the microwave beeps three times and “FOOD IS READY”?

You and I understand “FOOD IS READY” means the microwave successfully microwaved your item for the requested number of seconds, not that the food is indeed “READY”.

But what happens when I upgrade to a computerized model in 2033, and kick the 2008 model to the curb? What if some poor fool stumbles upon it and makes it his own?

Will this young “Man of the Future” be sophisticated enough to know there was a time when microwaves didn’t cook all items to perfection? Simply type in the number of seconds you want it to take to cook your chicken breast, and boom, the microwave cooks the food in the desired time. Microwave assures “FOOD IS READY”.

Consumer digs in and suffers from salmonella.

October Advisory

October Advisory: Beware Fall Colors (41 seconds mp3)

Toilet Training

I’ve struggled with the toilet at work since I arrived four months ago.

It took me a few weeks to figure out the proper sequence and timing of flushes to evacuate the bowl. I would flush, wait a second, add an additional flush, and then a final flush a second later to finish it off. The flushes would overlap, in effect.

Well someone tweaked the flush, and now I find myself struggling to evacuate the bowl again.

The toilet flush is so intense initially, it obliterates the feces into a million bits, rather than gently coaxing the log through like you would expect from a proper toilet. After doing this, the flush weakens rapidly and simply scatters the feces around the bowl, necessitating the additional flushes.

Debate Watch Tips 2012

Tips for how to watch a debate. (27 seconds mp3)

Romney’s Got A Three-Punch Plan

Romney’s Got A Three Punch Plan (2:37 mp3)

Three-hole punch a woman

Man on the street: Bindergate (2:51 mp3)

Christopher Columbus Advisory

Christopher Columbus Advisory (34-second mp3)

Sesame Street Woes Aggravate Carbuncle

Sesame Street Woes Aggravate Carbuncle (91 second mp3)

Medium Bird speaks out

BigBirdGate 2012: An Interview with Medium Bird. 95 seconds.

How to watch the Chiefs

How to watch the Chiefs (23 seconds)

Three Vladimirs go to Mars, I think

Vladimir Putins’ trips to Mars (1:22 mp3)

IKEA!

IKEA is coming to Kansas City in 2014, and the metro couldn’t be happier.

IKEA is coming (49 sec mp3)

Bacon shortage business boom at Porky Expresso

After a five year break, I’m back on the radio. Afternoons 3-7 on K-Jo 105.5 in St. Joe.

Anyway, how about a show clip? Woo.

Rumors swirled about Bacon Shortage of 2013. It’s hoaxish, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have mass hysteria.

Stooks Reporter Steve Schnell caught up with Hanna Illbean from the Porky Expresso Coffee and Bacon Shop to discuss the rumor.

The Porky Expresso Coffee and Bacon Shop (2:18 mp3)

Caps askew

Have you seen the teen who runs around with his ball cap askew?

The bill is perfectly flat. It’s in the two o’clock position.

Why not point the bill straight ahead? It would give equal shade to both eyes.

If the sun were at two o’clock, it would make sense to point the cap that direction. I doubt this particular teen has that much sense.

A bear ass

If Charmin’s toilet paper is good enough for a bear’s asshole, it must be good enough for mine.

Bears have notoriously sensitive assholes. While camping, one should take care to hide any and all deluxe toilet paper and baby wipes. In the event of an attack, wipe the bear asshole with leaves.

Results are in!

Top 10 keywords for mattstooks.com

Spare change and cigarettes

Dear bum,

Stop asking me for spare change.

I don’t have spare change. I have change that I’ve yet to spend. If the monetary system collapses and my change ceases to have worth, I will have spare change.

I also don’t have an extra cigarette for you. I don’t have cigarettes for myself. And, if I did, what causes a cigarette to become “extra?”

“Yes, I was planning on smoking exactly six of these cigarettes, yet I have seven. This one is extra. Enjoy.”

Do you hope that a random person walking by just might happen to be quitting and looking to get rid of extra cigarettes?

You give bums a bad name.

Matt

Tip the drive-thru beggar

One type of homeless creates a drive-thru for begging. The homeless will choose a high-traffic intersection with rare pedestrian traffic.

A drive-thru begger has a tiny cardboard sign with illegible writing. If you give him money, he could buy a Sharpie, make a better sign, then get high off the Sharpie. Or maybe he should get high off the Sharpie before making the sign. It’s really up to the individual homeless to decide whether to influence his art with Sharpie sniffing.

What is the business model for drive-thru begging?

While we all enjoy the convenience of ignoring a freezing beggar from the comfort of our climate-controlled vehicles, I don’t think we’ve been rewarding this premium service by throwing change out the window.

Drive-thru beggars deserve higher pay. Next opportunity, throw some coins out your window at a beggar as you drive by. That’s change we all can believe in.

Sasquatch 4

Sasquatch 4 (58 second mp3)

Dog lovers

A jewelry store had this ridiculous sign outside their Plaza remodel job.

“He loves dogs as much as I do” seems to be the winning answer for “How do you know you are loved?” Just look at the giant text.

I find this answer twisted.

You know you are loved because he loves dogs as much as you do? That only makes sense if you are both loving dogs in a way that only two, lifelong poodle-screwers could.

Sick.

Sasquatch 3

Van talked me into creating another Sasquatch Back to School.  Enjoy.

Sasquatch Back to School 3 (1:38 mp3)

Uglyface

Every time I see someone with a mangled face, I nod in appreciation of their courage to show that face in public.

If I had a disfigured face, I would never leave the house.

I would have everything delivered. I would wear a ski mask when I answered the door.

I’m not sure how I would make money. I bet I could get on disability with a face like that.

A mint!

I want to congratulate the world on having good breath today. What a pleasant surprise.

Barbara Billingsly

From Chris Casey:

Small water

Order water at a fast-food restaurant, get a miniature cup.

Are the small cups necessary to keep costs down for a free item? Do they deter soda theft?

The truth is these establishments are bullying you into buying a drink.

Six ounces can’t quench a lunchtime thirst. You’ll require frequent, humiliating refill trips, parading your cheap ass around the place with your Dixie cup exposed for all to see.

You press a little lever on the lemonade slot to get the water. How dainty do you look pressing it, shot glass in hand? How many germs are on that thing? Poopy index fingers all over it.

All the other beverages are activated by pressing a mostly germ-free cup into the soda fountain. Magic does the filling.

Why don’t you just make me lick the floor to earn my tiny water?

Failed stimulus

When I hear “failed stimulus,” I think of someone not appreciating a finger in the butt.

He-Man

Prince Adam turns into He-Man by yelling “By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!”

How does He-Man turn back into Prince Adam? Does he have another phrase? Does He-Man wear off after awhile, and you become Prince Adam again?

My guess is he reverts to Prince Adam immediately after coitus with Teela.

Take me, Battlecat

Complimentary black light

If I were an enterprising hotel proprietor, I would have a sign: “Complimentary black light and toothbrush available upon request.”

The black light assures guests a clean room, while also encouraging them to avoid spilling fluids all over the walls. This isn’t a whorehouse.

This will never happen, as we simply love rolling around in each others dried up goo.

I’m on TV

Even a plain man with a mustache can get on TV as long as he has “Fox” on his cheek.

What drives a grown man to sellout so hard just to have his face known for a brief second?

Death by text

I wonder what my killer will be texting when they run my ass over.

It better be at least OMGWTF worthy.

The playoffs are on

Baseball: Buy some close seats and curse at someone who makes more money than you.

Scab picking

I’ve picked a scab or two.

Removing a scab is like removing a body part that regenerates.

If we could do the same thing with arms, we’d be tearing them off left and right.

This blog is trash

And the majority of its visitors are from searches for “purple candy corn.”

You meant to be looking at this post.

Bow to my musical genius

I wrote a song.

“Cleaning the keys”

Why the menu changed

I’ve placed calls to KCP&L and the Kansas City Star in the past week. Both robot operators told me to “Listen closely, as our menu has changed.”

I’ve heard this message many times from other automated greetings. Why is the menu changing so much? Are there new things on the menu? Or is it something far more sinister?

The point of a robot operator is to prevent you from talking to the human operators, who make their livings by getting you off the phone as soon as possible, so they can move onto the next person who beat the system to talk to a real person.

By changing the menu, companies prevent frequent callers from memorizing the sequence of numbers necessary to reach a fleshy operator. You will pay attention and earn your way to the customer service rep, cheaters.

Dog owners

If you own a dog, you are likely awful.

Sure, there are decent dog owners. They train their dogs.

But the majority of dog owners are shit. The dog trains the owner.

Bark all night, and your master finally comes out to bark back, “shut up!” Apparently this astute owner thinks dogs understand English. If this is the case, why not put the peanut butter away and simply say “blow me.”

Lasagna Rollata Al Forno

Dear Olive Garden,

If I wanted to eat things I couldn’t pronounce, I’d go to a real Italian restaurant.

Now, where are those fresh breadsticks you promised?

Matt

Contemplative

This face comes in handy when dealing with a question accompanied by bad breath.

Hot off the toilet

The Dusty Bookshelf sells previously owned books.  One of the sections is “New Arrivals.”  I avoid this section, as these books have been near feces more recently than the books living in other sections.  “New Arrivals” should really be “Hot off the toilet.”

Punctuality

I’ll meet you at six.  Actually, you get there at 5:55. I’ll be there at six. I’ll know to look for you when I arrive, and you’ll know to look for me at the door. This will spare us awkward looks.

Remembering Facebook

I quit Facebook two months ago.

I no longer know the pets of people I barely spoke to in high school.