Capricorn

Ease up on yourself and others. You have a high set of standards. Not everyone can cough blood on command.

Gemini

Spend your considerable energy and insight on another person. They could really use your help. Clown makeup is the only thing that’ll make their face reasonable.

Libra

Get ready to close the book on some old emotional business -- you're about to start a new chapter in your life. Sadly, no one ever reads the Epilogue. Loser.

Pisces

Someone's looking for trouble. Make sure you're not a target for their ire. More importantly, make sure you’re on the lookout with your posters of Enrique Iglesias and Cindy Crawford. A jealous co-worker has their eyes set on a serious mole score. They’ve got the scissor for the job, too.

Stooks Proverb: Opportunity seldom knocks twice. Jonathan Taylor Thomas, on the other hand, will throw a cinder block through your window for a sandwich.