Aquarius

Your intellect receives a large dose of earthy common sense. Here it is: dirt is good for growing things.

Cancer

Yes, other people depend on you, but you need to make your own needs a priority, too. If you get too caught up crossing the t's and dotting the i's for others, your own life could start to fray at the edges. Although, it is important to not confuse “pool” with “poot.”

Scorpio

It's amazing how good we humans are at making life more difficult. The next time you're faced with a dilemma, pretend you’re an orangutan.

Aries

It's time to get into some practical habits when it comes to your finances. Any little steps you take toward fiscal health will pay off exponentially. Just wait for double coupons before going on your Escolar-brand herpes ointment.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s more efficient to divide the eggs into individual baskets for each person involved in the egging of your high school art teacher’s car.