Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Upheaval may feel unsettling, but it also supplies many opportunities that may not come again. Not everyone has as many opportunities to hurl on their supervisor as you do.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Don't be too quick to dismiss what's just happened in your life. After all, you can't fully appreciate where you are until you've realized just where you've come from: the Burger King dumpster.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Dare to dream, especially when it comes to your future. Pay attention to the here and now to see what could be: an oddly shaped-and-textured stain on your best friend’s loveseat.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Imitating someone else isn't going to get you where you want to go. Appreciate their methods and admire their style, but your persona has special attributes that need to be developed. What makes you special? That’s right, it’s your one front tooth, perfect for opening cans of tomato juice.

Stooks Proverb: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. That’s why Britney needs to teach her Chihuahua to not bite crotches while it’s young, especially with what she has flopping around down there.