What better way to celebrate Fat Tuesday than with Louie Anderson!

"And I pray that chicken fingers may fall from the sky and into my mouth."

Lots of clips today.

We had our first ever "Ask Louie" segment today. Louie's got great advice on how to get beads on Mardi Gras.

One caller wanted to tell us about his indulgences for Fat Tuesday, and it led to confusion over the name of a local Chinese restaurant, Hunan Express.

Finally, two callers share their thoughts on Fat Tuesday. The first caller wants to beat me up, the second has a twisted story about a past Mardi Gras.

We played a fun game today, called "Which is the real Blanche?"

It infuriated our old, possibly German lady.

"I never believed in summer sausage. I like it all four seasons."

Changing themes, I went to Wal-Mart yesterday.

I didn't really do anything Saturday night, so I was in Wal-Mart at 8:30 Sunday morning.

I noticed an inordinate amount of scum in the store for so early on a Sunday.

But then I figured it out: scum don't go to church or bathe, so who else would be in the store at 8:30 on a Sunday morning?

Silly me.

The Manhattan Mercury impressed me with the cleverness of the above headline. But they couldn't fit as many m's in there as I could, so there! Here's our discussion from this morning.

It's Girl Scout Cookie Season, but before you go hunting Girl Scouts and stealing their cookies, check out girlscouts.net to find out where you can legally obtain the goods. Warning: traffic may be heavy during the office hours at the Manhattan Parks and Rec department.

"I need a human body to house my soul."

And are you aware of what filth they're teaching the Girl Scouts these days?

No caption necessary.

This morning, we were talking about a guy from the Manhattan parks department who got arrested for having child porn on his computer.

Then, we got off on a rant about the amazingly idiotic things people do on the computer at work.

The High Lady called in and then handed the phone off to a Barry White-sounding guy who had a good story about someone giving a little love to a chicken.

"I can't get enough of your love, Breast Fillet."

Happy Presidents' Day!

Make sure you go hug someone who's met a President. I think that's what you're supposed to do.

Here's a little ditty I wrote, "Presidents' Day is lonely for me."

"For my next trick, I'll die when someone throws a towel on the floor."

We had some freezing rain in the area this morning.

Have you ever heard the "you grew up in this area, so you should know how to drive in this weather" argument? Not the one where you should slow down, but the one where you should go the full speed limit because physics don't apparently apply anymore?

Well, this guy takes that argument to the extreme.

"With just a stare, he could make a bucket of Extra Tasty Crispy Chicken cry."

First off, I'm disappointed in Google. They don't have a Valentine's graphic on the homepage today. I could understand if the Olympics happened only every four years and only for one day that happened to be on Valentine's, but that isn't the case. You can take one day off from the Olympics graphic to put up a Valentine's one. Shame.

"We think the Olympics are more important than Valentine's." - Googleneizer Scrooge

Searching for the phrase "Google is a Scrooge" produces zero results. So hopefully now that I just put that phrase up, they will index it so you can find this site in the future.

Now, back to Valentine's Day proper.

I don't have a Valentine this year.

But I got a Valentine's gift from the heavens last night.

"Hey, Snuffleupagus. Follow me over to the Den of Stooks, so I may defecate on his car."

Either the girl I dated for a month or some kind of feathery beast living in the trees in my parking lot ate too much Beef Pasta Hamburger Helper last night.

I am not joking. This amount of crap appeared on my car in just under 12 hours time.

I had to drink my Carnation Instant Breakfast while driving and staring at bird fecal that resembled dried up Carnation Instant Breakfast on the windshield. I almost hurled.

"I think we've found the Turdburglar."

Extra special treats today.

First, we had a discussion about the "Love Assist," where someone you are with hits on someone on your behalf. Then, the High Lady calls in at the end of the segment and throws a huge wrench into the whole thing.

"Puff, puff, pass, Snoop."

Then, my favorite and dirtiest segment of the year. It's the old, possibly German woman. She's moaning for some reason. Listen closely for the dirty old man in the background at the end of the call.

"I've had multiple lovers."

A new character debuted on the show today: the guy who likes Barbie a little too much.

Ken was too busy listening to Clay Aiken records to come to Barbie's rescue.

I saw a Chevy Impala that had spinning rims.

"But Michael, spinning rims will cripple my ability to TurboBoost." -Kitt

Just to emphasize how lame that is, my mom drives the exact same car.

This morning, we decided spinning rims:

1. Only work on trashy cars

2. Should have a version that looks like a banana flying through the air, a la the old DOS Gorillas game (click here if you want to download Gorillas for free for your computer).

"Now that's what I call a banana split!" - The last standing Gorilla

3. Should have a version that is me in an "X Stance," so it looks like I'm doing a bunch of cartwheels.

"Whee! After this I'll get the Skippy (dogs like Peanut Butter)!"

Interesting question posed by a Stooks in the Morning caller this morning.

"Does Ariel have normal female plumbing?" And why wasn't that point argued in her song about being a normal woman?

"If you were a real woman, I'd show you the trick I can do with my claws."

Five types of people at the Superbowl party:

1. Normal fan
2. There-for-the-dip guy
3. Woman along for the ride
4. Way too intense guy
5. Guy who doesn't like football but feels the need to talk constantly

You can't have a way-too-intense guy and the talking guy at the same party. Intense guy will scream at talking guy for talking too loudly when he's trying to hear Madden's fat chops smacking together.

"Madden with Cheese. Hold the pickles."

Today, we named the Superbowl "The John Stossel Pick of the Week," and gave it the full five stashes. I think it would look something like this:

The High Lady thought the pick was weak, and called in to correct us. Oh yeah, we also got her to do an elephant noise for us.

"I had five children for breakfast!"

Have you heard about the Kama Sutra virus?

Well, I got confused after I Googled "kama sutra" to find out about this nasty little bugger, and stumbled upon the "Kama Sutra Animated." I was shocked to see that this was some kind of obscene website!

Hint! You can set the poses as the desktop on your computer, but they will not be animated.

Hint! Probably shouldn't leer at website too long while working

So, Stooks in the Morning presents "Stooks reacts while reading the animated Kama Sutra."

The "I've been ravaged by Stooks" Pose

This guy can never gets any good email.