Matt Stooks

I don’t understand the “summon by loud honk” move that cars do outside my neighbors’ homes.

“HONK! I’m here to pick you up!”

We have cell phones. Some of them smart. Use the texting feature.

“I’m here” could be a helpful message.

Stop wrecking my life with your honks.

I want to buy an electric bicycle, and to live close enough to work to use it as my only transportation. Work is 60 miles away.

A car flew by me on the highway tonight.

I daydreamed of it hitting debris, over correcting, and just missing the guardrails to plunge into the Missouri river below.

Someone contaminated the party, and two days later half the party got sick.

I shat water off and on for 24 hours and managed not to puke.

It’s embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as it would be to pass it onto someone else.

Gas station food is underrated.

However, gas station food branded as “handmade” is inferior to “machine-made” for marketing at such an establishment.

Do I want the gas station people’s hands in my gas station pizza? No thanks. A machine that makes my pizza, now that would be delightful.

After thorough testing, I can’t recommend this particular small-talk template:

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: It’s going.

Me: Well, that’s better than it being stopped.

Coworker: silence

STAY BACK 200 FEET

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKEN WINDSHIELDS DUE TO OUR EXCESSIVE SPEED AND/OR OTHER RECKLESSNESS.

IF WE CUT YOU OFF WITHIN THE 200-FEET BUFFER, BLAST OUT YOUR WINDSHIELD WITH GRAVEL, AND MURDER YOUR FAMILY, THEN YOU SHOULD’VE GOT BACK 200 FEET QUICKER.

IMMUNITY WARNING MESSAGE COMPLETE.

The views of this weblog do not necessarily reflect the views of its owner, its staff, its writer, or anyone who has ever existed or will exist in the future.

In the post “A bear ass”, I argue that toilet paper ads indicate bears have sensitive assholes, therefore bears require Charmin or some other high-end brand.

Now, I’ve come to the realization that dingleberries might be a contributing factor. I could see a comfortable, absorbent two-ply toilet paper wiping out dingleberries in a more efficient manner than “Brand X”, one-ply toilet paper.

Note: “toilet paper” and “tissue paper” are synonyms and usage may vary. However, I dislike the term “tissue paper.” You aren’t fooling anyone at the store into thinking you are using this for anything but wiping your ass.

The “text and die” campaign is a failure. Drivers can’t stop murdering on the roadways.

I suggest a different slogan:

“Text at the stoplight, accelerate late, and feel the fury of a dozen eyes in the six cars trapped behind you.”

Flame at the hands of man.

Conquer species, conquer the world, then drink and blow stuff up for fun.

Man’s evolution.

“Do you mean you couldn’t care less?”

“No. I could care less. Give me more info. I’m only going to continue to care less and less to the point that I couldn’t possibly care less.”

I subscribed to a variety of newsletters at checkout through the years. Hoping to score big savings from a variety of online vendors, I allowed constant assault on my inbox.

I needed to ween myself off e-newsletters.

Upon unsubscription, most online merchants politely complied. The remaining merchants complied and bid adieu, but warned it might take 7-10 days before my request takes effect.

We agree to exist in this world because Internet gives us everything we want, immediately.

If I sent my unsubscribe message through the postal service, and included a self-addressed stamped envelope, then I’d understand the delay.