Wow, Dane Cook backlash is in full force.
I appreciated Dane Cook’s humor for a couple of hours once. Then, it looked like he ripped off material, did a movie with Jessica Simpson, and cut some horrifyingly bad promos for the Major League Baseball Playoffs.
Farewell, Dane. We hardly knew ye.
Get ready to hear plenty about this “Democrats need vaccinations before going to NASCAR events” story.
In an e-mail, a staffer who works for committee chairman Rep. Bennie Thompson, D-Miss., noted an “unusual need for whomever attending to be vaccinated against hepatitis A and B,” as well as “the more normal things — tetanus, diphtheria, and of course, seasonal influenza.”
This is already getting loads of play from Republicans trying to convince the two non-Republican NASCAR fans to convert.
I love the fact that NASCAR fans are all “they think we’ve got diseases” instead of “yeah, there usually are about 100 thousand people at NASCAR events, I guess it’s reasonable that some political hack might get concerned about the possibility of a stuffy nose.”
Note: NASCAR-inspired mullets are traveling petri dishes.
I went to Chipotle for lunch. I left annoyed.
It wasn’t busy, so we walked right up to the burrito-press lady. This particular Chipotle employs more natives than most. Today, all the workers at the counter were speaking Spanish. The four customers in front of us were speaking Spanish, too, and were really chatting it up with the Chipotle staff. I figure these mystery Mexicans must also work at the ‘potle. Maybe it was their day off, and they came in for a little employee-discount action. Whatever the case, it was practically Mexico in there with all the Spanish flying around.
They eventually took a break from what was surely a discussion on Telemundo hit “12 Córazones” to prep our order.
The cash register woman tallied up my burrito, chips and salsa. Then, she muttered something at me. My best guess was that she wondered if I needed anything else. I said “that’s all.” Nope, she was asking whether I wanted it to go. I said “Oh. Sorry. To go,” and I let out a little chuckle as if to say “silly me.” She responded with, “don’t you speak English?” She was joking. I admit, it was half humorous, but it still took some restraint to not say “Yeah, I do speak English. But not with a thick-ass Mexican accent.”
A third of U.S. women say the happiness in a presidential candidate’s marriage influences their vote. That sounds stupid enough, but lets look a little deeper.
Fifty-two percent of women said they thought Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, had a happy marriage, while 43 percent viewed rival Democratic Sen. Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, as happy, the survey by the Ladies’ Home Journal said.
Only 29 percent of women thought Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, were happy. Even fewer, 12 percent, thought New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson and his wife, Barbara, were happy.
Where are these voters getting the insight for determining the happiness in Bill Richardson’s marriage? I couldn’t spot his wife in a lineup, but random dumb asses polled for Ladies Homes Journal guess the Richardson’s marriage to be the most unhappy of the bunch?
I can kind of understand people guessing at the happiness levels in the Edwards and Clinton marriages. They’ve been publicly observable couples for some time. But, even then, can’t the Clinton’s have happiness in the amount of power they’ve wielded thanks to each other?
Bullshit polls like these have no business influencing the public.
Last weekend, I hit up El Mezcal in Lawrence for Mexican and margaritas with some former coworkers.
I ordered my Burrito Gigante with “no beans.” John questioned my line of thinking, forcing me to reply “I hate beans.” With a look of shock on his face, he quietly indicated that proclaiming your hate for beans in a Mexican restaurant could amount to retaliation from the all-Mexican staff.
If they spit in my food, it was tasty saliva.
All the talk about Myanmar has me thinking about an old Seinfeld episode.
Most articles about the current situation in Myanmar also refer to the country as Burma. Seinfeld tackled this more than ten years ago in “The Foundation,” originally airing on September 19th, 1996. If we haven’t figured out what to call it since then, maybe it should’ve stayed Burma.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you can’t leave.
J. Peterman: I’ve already left, Elaine. I’m in Burma.
Elaine: Burma?
J. Peterman: You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him)
[The phone is not hung up.]
Elaine: Mr. Peterman?
[New scene.
Jerry’s apartment.]Jerry: Where?
Elaine: Burma.
Jerry: Isn’t it Myanmar now?
Check out this candy corn’s striking resemblance to Gary Shandling.
I walked into the Target electronics department just in time to hear the helmet-haired woman behind the glass counter drop something brilliant to a coworker:
“He’s one of those guys. He’s a bad boy. But when you break him in, he’s the sweetest guy ever.”
I’m assuming this girl is talking about her boyfriend. He’s so “bad,” only the tough “breaking in” at the hands of a helmet-haired electronics department staffer can dent his rugged exterior.
From USA Today’s article on transplanting hair from dead people:
Some may think such a move — to don the hair of a cadaver — would be extreme, but nobody should underestimate the determination of balding people to reverse the scourge of a receding hairline. Spending on hair-restoration surgeries in 2006 topped $1.2 billion worldwide, a figure that does not include spending on proven drugs such as Propecia and Rogaine or any number of disreputable gadgets and balms sold online or on late-night television.
Nobody should underestimate the determination of desperate men to get laid, either. Does that mean a large portion is turning to necrophilia, USA Today?
I’m quite happy the Yankees lost. I just wish Cleveland would’ve swept them.
I don’t think I’d hate the Yankees nearly as much if there weren’t so many Yankees fans in Kansas City. I haven’t met too many New Yorkers in the metro, yet the number of Yankees fans at Royals games never fails to astound.
I’m not saying you must be a fan of your hometown team. But being a fan of such a spoiled organization makes you a poser, bandwagoner and probably all-around scum.
From Craig’s List (bold mine):
Get paid way better money plus get FREE Lottery tickets just for doing a good job. Our job is very simple but actually pays really good!
Culligan Water is looking for 2 more people to help us do surveys. Its really simple and we are not selling anything. We simple take quick surveys for informational purposes. But….what’s cool is that everytime someone takes a survey for you you get a free lottery ticket. Last week a guy won $50 dollars from one of his tickets and since it’s lottery you don’t have to pay taxes on it!
Compensation is listed at “$8 to $14 hourly.” Isn’t that a little high for someone who takes a job based on a “free lottery ticket” benefit package?
From Men’s Health on the topic of “grinding”:
Dr. Jonathan Huber, M.D., of Queen’s University College in Kingston, Ontario, found that about three in 10 women think it’s okay.
Good luck finding those three. Men’s Health‘s own spot survey of attractive, intelligent women found near-universal disgust with the move.
Whoa, hold on, Men’s Health. Your own survey of “attractive, intelligent women?” No intelligent woman, let alone attractive and intelligent woman, is going to brag to you about their love for being on the ass end of a public grinding session.
“Good luck finding those three?” Come on, Men’s Health. I can use a simple formula to find those three who say grinding’s okay:
Probability = Number of flashing lights + Glossiness of girl’s forehead
I love weight loss advertising.
I just got back from the bank.
It was the one time in years that I needed to talk face-to-face with a banking official. It was a dead end, as today is Christopher Columbus Day. Private banks close on Columbus Day for reasons the public can never know.
I’m thinking about joining the Columbus Day opposition movement. The main argument is that Columbus and his friends weren’t very nice to Native Americans. I think I can buy into that hype, if it means denying a holiday to bankers and mailmen.
If a closed bank or post office is the only way you know when a holiday happens, it’s not a holiday worth closing for.
PimpEverything’s going to be alright.
Three days after his admission to a Dallas hospital and one day after undergoing “lifesaving surgery” to treat a pulmonary embolism, Isaac Hanson was back home Friday and is expected back on the road as early as Monday.
Unfortunately, Hanson missed a show at the Beaumont Club in Kansas City, as a result. No worries, Hanson Heads; they already rescheduled for November 12th. I just hope all the Heads can get out of jail in time for the show. Surely they tore Westport to pieces upon news of the cancellation.
Today’s Chiefs game isn’t in high definition. Unacceptable.
Channel 9’s local news broadcasts in high definition, and you’re telling me CBS doesn’t have enough high-def equipment to cover all their NFL games? They pay $622.5 million per year for NFL rights, and full-HD coverage puts them in the red? WTF?
This pisses off and confounds me to a point I can’t express.
60 Minutes isn’t in high def either, but this can be blamed on Andy Rooney.
Bonus: Mangino gets his boob tweaked.
Garth Brooks will do nine shows in Kansas City.
Parents, you have one month to convince your kids that Garth Brooks is way cooler than Hannah Montana. Start with an explanation of who Garth Brooks is.
Unfortunately, I’m indifferent to Garth. My Hannah Montana money stays in the piggy bank for now.
Big game in Manhattan tomorrow. If K-State wins, there’d better not be any fans storming the field. I’m just saying. Act like you’ve been there. You’re favored to win.
KU fans can’t be expected to know what to do in these types of situations, thanks to an almost complete indifference to football outside of games against MU and K-State.
I trust you, K-State fans. It’s an early game. You can’t blame drunkenness for your behavior. I know you’d like to repay KU for over storming, but you should know better. Don’t be a bunch of douches. That’s all. Wait…don’t forget to bring your Power Towel.
Cider Fest is this weekend in Louisburg. I have other plans, but if you’re looking to blow out your colon, Cider Fest is the way to go.
The festivities start with a pancake breakfast from 9 to 11 a.m. followed by a barbecue from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. Live music and entertainment begin at noon and run until the end of each day.
Pancake’s, barbecue and cider could be one of the best recipes for diarrhea I’ve ever heard. Huzzah!
Remember SARS? Remember waking up in a cold sweat at 3 am after nightmaring that you got infected with SARS after a visit to Chinatown?
SARS was far weaker than the Bird Flu. Sars mortality rate was at about 10 percent. About eight thousand people got it, about eight hundred died. Bird Flu got 199 people out of 327, at a 61 percent mortality rate. SARS was more contagious, as people tend to associate with other people far more than they associate with birds.
Aren’t we due for another “general freakout” story. Shouldn’t a new illness come out of the woodwork? Or is the mystery disease storyline dead? Come on, Asia, we’re counting on you.
GO AWAY! Nobody likes you!
You only exist because whoever invented the veggie tray had some extra room on there and said “maybe we can just throw some of that tard broccoli from the manure pile on there to balance out the look.” Somehow, it stuck. Plus, I’m guessing produce departments can pay at a cost just above prostrate pigweed for this worse-than-soy filling agent.
The only reason people eat you now is because you’re ugly, and they don’t want to have to look at you overwhelm the tray while the decent vegetables diminish in quantity. If it weren’t for ranch, you’d be permanently screwed.
You taste like cardboard. Your texture feels of sand. You’re a worthless, filthy vegetable, and I hope some kind of disease wipes you off the face of the planet.
Sincerely,
Matt
From the KC Star’s story on Kauffman Stadium renovations (bold mine):
Also scheduled for completion: New bullpens, expanded dugout-box seating, expanded crown seating behind the plate, the removal of one circular ramp on each side and the construction of expanded vomitories to field-level concourse.
I like to think I’m “down with words,” but I wasn’t positive on this one. I first assumed a vomitory must be a place to regurge after a hot dog and peanut binge on Buck Night. Wrong.
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vomitory (band)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_eating_and_drinking#Vomitorium
I’ve stumbled upon an interesting conundrum.
When someone curses on a reality show, we get a beep. However, when someone curses on a movie edited for TV, we get “Yippie kayay, Mr. Falcon” (Die Hard 2).
Why did the beep ever go out of style for movies? Is the overdubbing union involved? The same overdubbing union that obviously killed Bruce Lee when he started speaking English for real?
(5:47 podcast) Stooks contributer Shua called the Skype line (785.727.2291) and taught me all kinds of fun things, mostly about TV.
I do most of my email through GMail, but I still have an old Yahoo! address that gets some action. GMail retrieves the email from my Yahoo! inbox, but not the bulk folder. So, I go to Yahoo! and check it every week or so to make sure nothing important got snagged. I have to go through about 500 emails each time.
Lately, I’ve been getting spammed to death with the “Just saw you on Yahoo messenger” technique. It includes this message:
Hi
I have nothing to do at night a lot and would like to talk with someone. Are you interested?
Stacy19
Is this working? I can’t imagine a high probability of someone who just got off Yahoo! Messenger seeing this message and saying “shit, I could be getting E-laid by Stacy 19 right now!” Click.
Every time I observe a new spam technique, I always get the same picture in my head: a toothless hick gullible enough to click through. Why can’t the Internet Gods take access away from the people who pay spammer’s bills?
I’d have to wake up pretty early in the morning, with an even smaller penis, to fall for this crap.
I always find it funny when a bunch of people get pissed and go after a business, intending harm.
The latest involves three businesses in Johnson County. A grand jury indicted them for promoting obscenity. Hollywood at Home for four DVDs, Spirit Halloween for obscene costumes, and Priscilla’s for five sex toys and a videos.
Free advertising!
I wouldn’t have heard of, or even noticed, the Lion’s Den in Abilene if it weren’t for all the stories of obscene products, watchdogs writing down customers’ license plate numbers, or the giant “Every time you wank to porn, the baby Jesus cries” (paraphrased) billboard.
Politicians are a bunch of whiny, tattletales.
They waste their/our time voting to condemn ads and write letters complaining about Rush Limbaugh.
Don’t you have some laws to write? Wars to fix? Halloween costumes to make resemble White House reporter Helen Thomas? Go do something.
“Shut up, it’s rigged! If everyone’s quiet, you’ll see!”
They don’t listen. They just keep mindlessly screaming as the noise meter continues to climb, tricking all in attendance into thinking they just blew the top off the stadium. Posers.
Wouldn’t a legit noise meter with an unattainable peak be more efficient in getting fans to cheer as loud as possible? The bigger question: Why haven’t the Royals hired me yet?
