Another call from a telemarketer. This one wants to map me.
Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:43 — 1.2MB)
Matt Stooks
That Not-So-Fresh Feeling Between Your Ears
Telemarketer on the Radio
Telemarketers end up calling the studio line a decent bit at the radio station. So, I went ahead and had three minutes of fun with an alleged student-loan-refinance person.
Podcast: Download (Duration: 2:44 — 1.9MB)
Jesse James lives
Jesse James called into the radio show. He admitted to faking his death on this day in 1882.
Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:10 — 824.1KB)
Mark Zuckerberg apologizes
Zuck called into the show today to apologize, and to encourage listeners to continue uploading data for him. He’ll keep it safe.
Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:43 — 802.7KB)
Honk
I don’t understand the “summon by loud honk” move that cars do outside my neighbors’ homes.
“HONK! I’m here to pick you up!”
We have cell phones. Some of them smart. Use the texting feature.
“I’m here” could be a helpful message.
Stop wrecking my life with your honks.
Cupid calls in
Cupid called the show today. He shot someone with his arrow while on the phone.
Podcast: Download (Duration: 1:43 — 805.9KB)
Electric bikes
I want to buy an electric bicycle, and to live close enough to work to use it as my only transportation. Work is 60 miles away.
Fast lane
A car flew by me on the highway tonight.
I daydreamed of it hitting debris, over correcting, and just missing the guardrails to plunge into the Missouri river below.
Norovirus
Someone contaminated the party, and two days later half the party got sick.
I shat water off and on for 24 hours and managed not to puke.
It’s embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as it would be to pass it onto someone else.
Tommy The Turkey
Tommy the Turkey called into the show today, worried someone will consume him on Thanksgiving.
Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:54 — 633.4KB)
Beat the Heat 2017
Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:51 — 798.0KB)
Fireworks While Driving
“Taylor Swift” calls in to shoot off some fireworks over the phone.
Podcast: Download (Duration: 0:57 — 892.3KB)
Handmade
Gas station food is underrated.
However, gas station food branded as “handmade” is inferior to “machine-made” for marketing at such an establishment.
Do I want the gas station people’s hands in my gas station pizza? No thanks. A machine that makes my pizza, now that would be delightful.
Workplace small talk
After thorough testing, I can’t recommend this particular small-talk template:
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: It’s going.
Me: Well, that’s better than it being stopped.
Coworker: silence
Warning
STAY BACK 200 FEET
NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BROKEN WINDSHIELDS DUE TO OUR EXCESSIVE SPEED AND/OR OTHER RECKLESSNESS.
IF WE CUT YOU OFF WITHIN THE 200-FEET BUFFER, BLAST OUT YOUR WINDSHIELD WITH GRAVEL, AND MURDER YOUR FAMILY, THEN YOU SHOULD’VE GOT BACK 200 FEET QUICKER.
IMMUNITY WARNING MESSAGE COMPLETE.
Disclaimer
The views of this weblog do not necessarily reflect the views of its owner, its staff, its writer, or anyone who has ever existed or will exist in the future.
A bear ass, revisited
In the post “A bear ass”, I argue that toilet paper ads indicate bears have sensitive assholes, therefore bears require Charmin or some other high-end brand.
Now, I’ve come to the realization that dingleberries might be a contributing factor. I could see a comfortable, absorbent two-ply toilet paper wiping out dingleberries in a more efficient manner than “Brand X”, one-ply toilet paper.
Note: “toilet paper” and “tissue paper” are synonyms and usage may vary. However, I dislike the term “tissue paper.” You aren’t fooling anyone at the store into thinking you are using this for anything but wiping your ass.
Smartphone at the stoplight
The “text and die” campaign is a failure. Drivers can’t stop murdering on the roadways.
I suggest a different slogan:
“Text at the stoplight, accelerate late, and feel the fury of a dozen eyes in the six cars trapped behind you.”
Fireworks
Flame at the hands of man.
Conquer species, conquer the world, then drink and blow stuff up for fun.
Man’s evolution.