Matt Stooks

“No. You don’t need a $2000 phone,” said a Bluesky user about Apple’s new foldable iPhone.

Internet People are desperate to be your mother.

If you want a $2000 phone, and have the means for it, get it. Enjoy.

People finance $100,000 trucks, and most never use any of the truck features.

The one feature they might use is 4×4 to get out of a ditch in the winter. Why did they end up in a ditch in the first place? Because of Truck Cockiness.

Your F-350 might get you out of the ditch, but it won’t get you out of the grill of a semi. Physics still apply.

Oh no! I’m sounding like an Internet Mother.

Fuck it. Buy a massive truck with sillily large tires. Money might be worth nothing soon, anyway.

If you buy a foldable phone and pay a premium for it, you’re just as likely to end up in the ditch as any other phone addict. But you’re also likely to open and close that phone every day of your life.

It’s $6 a day for a year to pay that phone off, including taxes. Imagine how many paid podcasts and newsletters you’d have to give up! Starbucks Math never fails.

Time to start telling these I-know-better-than-you people “you’re not my mom.”

It is Sunday.

I decide “time to clean the kitchen.”

Then, I vacuum.

While vacuuming, I think “well, at least I did something productive this weekend.”

I take a beat, and realize: I did way too much adult shit on Saturday. Nothing primal, though. Sorry for robbing you of that visual.

But there isn’t a tangible, physical trail of the evidence I did anything, outside of the carton of cherry tomatoes I scored at the farmers market.