The high cost of free sofas (59 seconds) Podcast: Download (2.3MB)
The high cost of free sofas (59 seconds) Podcast: Download (2.3MB)
Sick of sitting through a full hour of This American Life just so you can get your “Ira Glass Lip Smack” fix? Enjoy my edit of an episode of This American Life (16 seconds). Podcast: Download (644.8KB)
Why erect a roadside memorial? Typically a cross with flowers and a photo, the roadside memorial marks the life of a loved one at the exact death spot. Is the intention to honor the dead? To promote safe driving? To protect the highway via the deceased souls? Regardless of the intent, the roadside memorial distracts…
Dear loyal Target customer, Did you hear? Criminals broke into our system and might now own your debit and credit card data. I thought I should tell you they might have also stolen your name, mailing address, phone number or email address. Possibly all of those things. Probably. I am writing to tell you that…
My microwave’s display flashes “FOOD IS READY” when the timer hits zero. How does the microwave know the food is ready? It doesn’t know. It’s a liar. If you place a chicken breast in the microwave, and set the timer for 30 seconds, does that mean the chicken is done when the microwave beeps three…
October Advisory: Beware Fall Colors (41 seconds mp3) Podcast: Download (320.6KB)
I’ve struggled with the toilet at work since I arrived four months ago. It took me a few weeks to figure out the proper sequence and timing of flushes to evacuate the bowl. I would flush, wait a second, add an additional flush, and then a final flush a second later to finish it off.…
Tips for how to watch a debate. (27 seconds mp3) Podcast: Download (184.7KB)
Romney’s Got A Three Punch Plan (2:37 mp3) Podcast: Download (2.4MB)
Man on the street: Bindergate (2:51 mp3) Podcast: Download (1.3MB)
Christopher Columbus Advisory (34-second mp3) Podcast: Download (270.8KB)
Sesame Street Woes Aggravate Carbuncle (91 second mp3) Podcast: Download (714.3KB)
BigBirdGate 2012: An Interview with Medium Bird. 95 seconds. Podcast: Download (749.0KB)
How to watch the Chiefs (23 seconds) Podcast: Download (180.4KB)
Vladimir Putins’ trips to Mars (1:22 mp3) Podcast: Download (1.3MB)
IKEA is coming to Kansas City in 2014, and the metro couldn’t be happier. IKEA is coming (49 sec mp3) Podcast: Download (781.6KB)
After a five year break, I’m back on the radio. Afternoons 3-7 on K-Jo 105.5 in St. Joe. Anyway, how about a show clip? Woo. Rumors swirled about Bacon Shortage of 2013. It’s hoaxish, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have mass hysteria. Stooks Reporter Steve Schnell caught up with Hanna Illbean from the Porky…
Have you seen the teen who runs around with his ball cap askew? The bill is perfectly flat. It’s in the two o’clock position. Why not point the bill straight ahead? It would give equal shade to both eyes. If the sun were at two o’clock, it would make sense to point the cap that…
If Charmin’s toilet paper is good enough for a bear’s asshole, it must be good enough for mine. Bears have notoriously sensitive assholes. While camping, one should take care to hide any and all deluxe toilet paper and baby wipes. In the event of an attack, wipe the bear asshole with leaves.
Top 10 keywords for mattstooks.com
Dear bum, Stop asking me for spare change. I don’t have spare change. I have change that I’ve yet to spend. If the monetary system collapses and my change ceases to have worth, I will have spare change. I also don’t have an extra cigarette for you. I don’t have cigarettes for myself. And, if…
One type of homeless creates a drive-thru for begging. The homeless will choose a high-traffic intersection with rare pedestrian traffic. A drive-thru begger has a tiny cardboard sign with illegible writing. If you give him money, he could buy a Sharpie, make a better sign, then get high off the Sharpie. Or maybe he should…
Sasquatch 4 (58 second mp3) Podcast: Download (911.3KB)
A jewelry store had this ridiculous sign outside their Plaza remodel job. “He loves dogs as much as I do” seems to be the winning answer for “How do you know you are loved?” Just look at the giant text. I find this answer twisted. You know you are loved because he loves dogs as…
Van talked me into creating another Sasquatch Back to School. Enjoy. Sasquatch Back to School 3 (1:38 mp3) Podcast: Download (1.5MB)
Every time I see someone with a mangled face, I nod in appreciation of their courage to show that face in public. If I had a disfigured face, I would never leave the house. I would have everything delivered. I would wear a ski mask when I answered the door. I’m not sure how I…
I want to congratulate the world on having good breath today. What a pleasant surprise.
From Chris Casey:
Order water at a fast-food restaurant, get a miniature cup. Are the small cups necessary to keep costs down for a free item? Do they deter soda theft? The truth is these establishments are bullying you into buying a drink. Six ounces can’t quench a lunchtime thirst. You’ll require frequent, humiliating refill trips, parading your…
When I hear “failed stimulus,” I think of someone not appreciating a finger in the butt.