Leo (July 23 - August 22)

An unorthodox job opportunity could open up your possibilities for creative freedom. But remember, people just don’t tip as well for fecal art as they used to.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Relationships improve when you apply a good attitude to them. If you do, you'll be able to make smart decisions and stay firmly rooted in the here and now. Who knew that by giving yourself the present, you'd give yourself a future as well? Too bad you’ll never be able to tell anyone about your past. That poor street sweeper.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The more you're able to clear your to-do list, the better you feel. Focus on reducing rather than increasing, and you'll see how easy it is to simplify your life. This sense of relief is easily attained: Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You love helping people out, but the stars say it's time to take a step back to live your own life. Your sock puppets will be fine.

Stooks Proverb: The family that prays together, stays together, especially if they pray in a vat full of Super Glue.