Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You have an uncanny ability to see trouble coming from afar. But, frankly, Louie Anderson’s ass is large enough that anyone should be able to see it coming, and move out of the way in time.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You're in a mood, and it's imperative that you get some alone time. Someone's about to propose a great idea, and you need to be at your most receptive. Where’s that leftover Schlitz from the weekend?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Can you feel the love? You and that certain someone are in a sweet spot right now when it comes to how you relate: Connect Four.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The more you try to hide from a tough situation, the more difficult it will get. Come up with a plan for how to deal with this, and then walk directly up to your fear. Just be sure no one’s around when you’re wrestling with the life-size standup of Mr. Clean at Walmart.

Stooks Proverb: There’ll plenty of time to sleep when you’re dead. So put away the Nyquil and get out the razor blades.