Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This association is improbable, firstly because you-know-who is the last person you ever pictured yourself associating with, and secondly because of how utterly delightful and necessary they've become. If Carrot Top can change, everybody can change! (Insert Russian translation here)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

It's time to splurge. That doesn't mean putting your credit card through the wringer or playing hooky on all your duties. Why not indulge in the ultimate luxury: attacking a piñata fashioned after Kathy Griffin.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone's friendship has made things much brighter and happier for you, especially during a recent rough patch. Even better news: you’ll be featured on Fox’s “When Brazilian waxes go bad.”

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your physical self is full of useful information, and right now it's telling you something extremely important. You have swamp ass.

Stooks Proverb: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush are worth three in Britney’s crotch.