Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Knowing what you want is an important first step, but keep reminding yourself that in order to get this off the ground, there are many steps along the way. Start with changing your diaper.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You want to get this party started -- you think. It's hard to decide, really. If you need company, why not have a low-key get-together at your house or a neighborhood coffee shop? The company of friends will lift your spirits. The tenth cup of cappuccino will dislodge that half chimichanga in your lower intestine from six months ago.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Getting the life you deserve is actually a straightforward process. Step 1: Get your Welfare check. Step 2: Cash it. Step 3: Buy Lottery tickets.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

When it comes to your aspirations, you need to dream bigger. When it comes to material goods, it’s the opposite situation. Sometimes you have to trade in those dreams of a little red Corvette for a little red whatever-the-hell Screech is driving these days. Probably an El Camino with the flatbed filled with Ex Lax.

Stooks Proverb: Laughter is the best medicine? Screw that. Robitussin is.