Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Figure out what you want, because there's a good chance that you'll get it. Who would’ve thought that a greeter collapsing at Wal-Mart would cause the perfect distraction for stealing condoms.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

So things look a certain way, but does that necessarily reflect the entire truth of the situation? Have you learned nothing from Magic Eye?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You're a genius when it comes to social arrangements. Your secret? Yahtzee.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Brush up on your listening skills, because the universe has a message: brush up on your teeth-brushing skills. You could feed a small Indonesian village with what’s buried in your gums.

Stooks Proverb: Take a hair of the dog that bit you. If you were Mel Gibson, you’d have a full fur coat by now.