Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You? Making an argument for the tried-and-true? What the heck is going on? There's nothing more innovative than embracing tradition, especially when it works. And wearing a Hasselhoff wig while sifting through your archive of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch” tapes couldn’t work any better.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

When you push too hard to make something happen, it never turns out exactly the way you think it would. Try Ex-Lax or an order of Pintos and Cheese instead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Loyalty is always a big concern with you. You know exactly what you'd do for a loved one, but suddenly you're not sure about their agenda. Is Yoga at 6 or 6:30? Or was it Pilates. Damn. Either way, you’re pretty sure the one you swoon for has a thing for their instructor, Cilantro.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Hang on tight to that idea. It's good, so don't let anyone else tell you differently. It's just its time hasn't quite arrived yet. But one day, people will praise your groundbreaking work on Ziplock for Human Heads.

Stooks Proverb: Throw enough dirt, and some will stick. Throw enough dirt at a buttered-up Louie Anderson, and most will stick.