Dear loyal Target customer,
Did you hear? Criminals broke into our system and might now own your debit and credit card data.
I thought I should tell you they might have also stolen your name, mailing address, phone number or email address. Possibly all of those things. Probably.
I am writing to tell you that if you will simply click on any link in this email, we can rectify the situation. Target is offering one year of free credit monitoring.
Before proceeding, make sure you have scans of your social security card, fingerprints, both retinas, DNA, mother’s maiden name, and your first born’s name and social security number. And dental records. Almost forgot.
Thank you for your patience as we work to resolve this matter.
Target takes your personal information very seriously. We will work on the “holding” part next.
[CEO name here]