I made the dreaded trip to Price Chopper to stock up on groceries today.
While the woman in front of me was taking her time writing her out of town check and trying to get cash back, I had plenty of time to browse the impulse buys. Among them were bottles of Purell for your keychain.
You have to be a psychopath to need Purell for your keychain.
It’s acceptable for a woman to have a bottle in her purse, but bulking up your keychain with hand sanitizer is a sure way to make sure everyone knows how truly disturbed you are.
Don’t have a purse? You’re probably a man. You aren’t allowed to be seen with hand sanitizer at all, so flaunting it on your keychain will surely win you a beating.
Need further proof of Purell’s link to psychopaths? Hillary Clinton uses it.
“My two secrets to staying healthy: wash your hands all the time. And, if you can’t, use Purell or one of the sanitizers. And the other is hot peppers. I eat a lot of hot peppers. I for some reason started doing that in 1992, and I swear by it.”
A bottle of Purell has saved Hillary at many debates as she sanitizes after a wet, fiery, hot-peppery deuce during commercial breaks.
Aw man. That last sentence makes me wish I couldn’t read.
Howie Mandell wants to know what the problem is.
I doubt Howie Mandell could have a use for a small, keychain-sized Purell. It wouldn’t even cover his daily scalp sanitation.