This face comes in handy when dealing with a question accompanied by bad breath.
This face comes in handy when dealing with a question accompanied by bad breath.
I’ll meet you at six. Actually, you get there at 5:55. I’ll be there at six. I’ll know to look for you when I arrive, and you’ll know to look for me at the door. This will spare us awkward looks.
If you live in a place where Winter destroys you in January, it doesn’t make sense to enact your massive self-improvement goals on New Year’s. Sure, a new year is a great time to evaluate yourself and plan some changes, but a frozen brain isn’t all that malleable. Put those goals off until Spring –…
My roommates’ dog Berry likes to chew on anything (too much teeth, not good for recreational purposes). But Prewitt’s wifebeater has been available for chewing all week. The dog sniffs the shirt, gets Prewitt’s scent, and leaves it alone. Moral of the story: If you don’t want your dog chewing on something, piss on it.
Doctors removed what they thought was a 9-year-old girl’s tumor, but turned out to be her dead twin, from her stomach. Andreas Markou, head of the hospital’s pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord. The girl’s selfish family doesn’t want her…
It’s called Men’s “C” league for a reason. Douchebags.
I have a difficult time parting with expired milk. I have about two glasses worth of milk that expired four days ago. Usually, I notice the expiration date approaching and will finish the gallon no later than two days after expiration. I’ve never known this two-day-expired milk to taste/digest questionably. I should have seen this…
My favorite guy in quite awhile was at Gomer’s Chicken for breakfast Sunday. This camera-phone-into-the-sunlight photo doesn’t do him justice. He enjoys breakfast by himself with a handlebar mustache and a glass of chocolate milk. He will have to lick his mustache clean when he’s done with that milk. He’s eating pancakes. He takes a…
Note: Lots more words in this post than you’re used to. Don’t worry. I’ll give you a podcast version so you can rest your eyes, if need be. mp3 file (4:06) We wanted to try something new Saturday night. We decided on the Kansas City Power and Light District. Fearful of tight parking, we chose…
To the woman in front of me at Price Chopper: Congratulations! You’re friends with the checker! Awesome! Unfortunately, the rest of us don’t invest the time to develop lifelong friendships with grocery store clerks. Pay your total and let us get on with our lives. I would thank you for paying with cash, but a…
I made the dreaded trip to Price Chopper to stock up on groceries today. While the woman in front of me was taking her time writing her out of town check and trying to get cash back, I had plenty of time to browse the impulse buys. Among them were bottles of Purell for your…
When I planned out my blogging year, I didn’t take into account Leap Day. Therefore, I don’t have a blog post to spare for this extra day. Damn you, Gregorian Calendar!
Missouri voted last night. Missouri is an important indicator in politics, thanks to its mix of urban and rural communities. This means I’ve had to hear almost every news douche opt for the “Missouruh” pronunciation in the last 24 hours. Here’s a good post about why a correct pronunciation doesn’t exist. But I don’t care…
Dear store owner, You’ve achieved amazing symmetry with the two glass doors leading into your building. You could improve upon your feat by making both doors functional. The natural order of our country is to go right. You drive in the right lane, you go through the right door. Can you see the problems that…
There’s a ton of reasons I wouldn’t run for Congress, but the State of the Union Address just might top the list. I hate giving a standing ovation, and standing ovations are thrown around like candy at the State of the Union. I just don’t think that many things deserve a standing ovation. If I…
Walmart checkout stands are usually stacked two deep. I’ve always thought that one line should filter into both checkout stands. This would allow a cleaner flow of traffic and reward those who stand in line longer. This works in theory. In reality, most people will jump to the second checkout stand if it looks like…
Many friends have reassured me that they would tell me if I had bad breath. I reassure them that I would do the same for them. This leads me to one frightening conclusion: People with consistently bad breath have no decent friends. I used to work with a girl who’s breath smelled like rotten garbage. …
Unless the water coming out of your tap is green, I’m not drinking your bottled water. It’s fine that you only drink bottled water, but I’m not going to contribute to the bottled water industry by drinking your supply. Basically, unless we’re spending significant time away from a tap, get out of my face with…
For years, I’ve dreaded laundry day. It’s reached a peak over the past year. Every time I do laundry, I think “I’m going to have to do this for the rest of my life.” It’s a depressing thought. I did the laundry today. I’m proud to say I’ve finally found a reasonable way to do…