My drive to Colorado had all kinds of exceptional sights.
1. A portable crapper strapped to a truck
I didn’t have much confidence in the strap holding this porta-pottie. I quickly moved into a different lane and passed with vigor. I didn’t want to pick human waste off the front of my car before I even got out of Kansas City.
2. Porn and guilt
The billboard “Adult Superstore” directs you off the highway to the famous “Lion’s Den.”
As you leave, the next billboard makes you think of the baby Jesus when you pop your new DVD/sex toy into your DVD player/orifice.
3. Cows
I didn’t fully appreciate these cows until the following four hours of tumbleweeds and lifelessness.
4. Stuckey’s
I saw three abandoned Stuckey’s gas stations during my drive. These gas station/Dairy Queen hybrids went downhill when gas went above $2. I’m guessing it’s because they all had giant price signs with a fat, unchangeable “1” in the first price position. The owner didn’t want to pony up for a new sign, so they said “screw it” and went out of business instead. Seems like a reasonable guess to me.
5. Windmills
I was a little too fascinated with this giant Kansas wind farm. I could see hundreds of these things from the highway.
6. Fanciest McDonald’s ever
I needed a one dollar double cheeseburger, so I pulled off the highway in Hays, Kansas. This was the classiest McDonald’s I’ve ever seen. They had couches, a fireplace and a more upscale PlayPlace than any of the other McDonald’s. Check it out next time you’re in Hays.
I thought these clouds looked cool until…
8. I can’t see
At one point on Highway 24 toward Colorado Springs, some moron school bus tried to pass another school bus by entering my lane. Figuring I couldn’t win this head-to-head battle, I pulled over to the shoulder until idiot school bus realized I had the right of way and moved back into the lane that wouldn’t kill me.
Overall, Kansas City to Colorado Springs has to be one of the most boring drives anywhere. Six hours of the trip is boring farm land. I’m more thankful for XM and mp3 than ever.