Aquarius
Ever noticed you always get chatted up when you’re feeling relaxed? How sexy you are has very little to do with how you look. It’s your resemblance to Sloth from Goonies that’s scaring people away.
Cancer
It’s so easy to get caught up in everyone else’s agenda, but any more of this and you’ll feel like you only have half a life. But, just remember, it’s better than the non-existent life you had when you were unemployed, eating Fruit Loops in your underwear while watching re-runs of Dawson’s Creek on TBS.
Scorpio
Your eccentricities don’t make you unapproachable — in fact, they make you more desirable than you realize. Your quirks and specialized interests and uncontrollable swearing are what make you the life of the party.
Aries
The more you focus on a competitor, the quicker you’ll lose sight of your real goal. It’s time to examine where your real interests lie. It’s time to reenergize your sense of purpose. This time, don’t use the jumper cables and Die Hard battery. You’re still far too sensitive to try that one again.
Stooks Proverb: Curiosity killed the cat. Strategically placing some D-Con will do the trick, too. Or a shotgun. Or grabbing it by its tail and front paw while swinging around, discus-style, before launching it into your neighbors’ pool.