A guy who was a painter for David Letterman has been arrested for plotting to kidnap his son and hold him for $5 million ransom. He was also planning to kidnap the kid’s nanny, so he could have someone take care of him until the ransom was paid. I’m telling you, you can never tell what a man with a moustache is thinking. Especially with a moustache this lush:

There was a rumor going around that the red-headed Desperate Housewife Marcia Cross was a lesbian. Put your kinky fantasies to rest for now. She’s dating a man. First Marissa breaks up with her girlfriend on the OC, now this.

Authorities are thinking about charging Paula Abdul with a hit and run. Her car clipped another on the highway and she kept going. But the other driving jotted down the license plate and took a picture of the car with a cameraphone. Cheesy joke alert: Didn’t she have a hit and then run in the 80s? I know. Terrible.

Cybill Sheperd may get to reprise her role as Martha Stewart from NBC’s 2003 made-for-tv move Martha Inc. This one will follow her prison stint and Cybill Sheperd’s absolute career dive.

American Idol dork Mario Vazquez has hired the attorney who separated Clay Aiken from American Idol. When you sign up for the show, apparently you sign over your soul and half of your take from any CDs you sell. I wonder if Clay told Mario about the lawyer after breakfast in bed together.

ER has been renewed through 2008. Or whenever Noah Wyle hits puberty, whichever comes first.

50 Cent has started up a new feud. First it was Ja Rule. Then The Game. Then Fat Joe. So the natural pattern makes the next target Samuel L. Jackson.

Sam Jackson declined to be a co-star in 50 Cent’s movie, because he doesn’t want to work with unproven actors.

“These people think they’re worthy of you sharing screen time with them but I don’t think that. Maybe if 50 Cent does five movies and shows me some talent.”

50 thinks there’s a different reason.

“Basically, he didn’t want to play second fiddle. He knew that because of my success, people would come to see the movie because of me – and he couldn’t handle that. To be honest, I couldn’t see where he would fit into the movie anyway – other than as my grandfather.”

You don’t make fun of a man who wears a beret, Fifty.