Capricorn

Scrap the idea of being perfect and focus on having more fun. But remember: safety first when towing a shopping cart behind an ’87 S-10.

Gemini

Spontaneous invitations and chance meetings are plentiful. The stars encourage you to say yes to as many as possible. The stars encourage you to say no to sexually aggressive clowns...especially the kinky, midget kind that always try to introduce ponies into the bedroom.

Libra

Center stage is right where you belong. Soak up the spotlight and enjoy this moment before you dazzle the onlookers with all of your amazing talents. Oh, no! It’s that dream where you’re only wearing socks! And they’re only on your feet. And you’ve got that awkward case of rosacea.

Pisces

The excitement factor in your social life goes up a few notches. Get your friends together. Go dancing. Have a karaoke night! Kill a defenseless small animal.

Stooks Proverb: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. It also repels Mark Mangino.