Aquarius

Get savvy about your finances. A few canny moves on your part could push you into an entirely new tax bracket: the one just above M.C. Hammer.

Cancer

It’s likely that boredom and restlessness will kick in today, but you can do something to ease the day. Break up the humdrum routine of work or school by planning a trip to the mall to buy something glamorous. Whether it’s an outfit or a Nixon mask, whatever you purchase is sure to be an upgrade.

Scorpio

Your natural panache comes in handy when you need to tell a story or gather people around a common cause. Your natural odor, however, doesn’t come in handy in those same situations.

Aries

It should be a fairly relaxed day. However, someone rather aloof and enigmatic is likely to catch your eye. Hamburglar gets you every time.

Stooks Proverb: Don’t air your dirty laundry in public. You’re simply too susceptible to those odd crotch stains.