Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your magnetic personality gains an extra dose of cool glamor, but it's definitely accompanies by a touch-me-not air. People might wonder what's going on with you, but you just need a little space right now. And some hand sanitizer. And a dedicated handkerchief for opening doors.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your natural charm greases the wheels. So does the natural grease that develops from under your, well, you know.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Friends -- where would we be without them? Friendless. So, basically like the youngest kid from Home Improvement who ended up being three feet taller than his older brothers on the show, then turned goth, moved to Lawrence and got married.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

The stars send a surplus of mental energy your way. Your mind is sharper than a box of tacks. But your personality is as dull as Jeffrey Dahmer’s favorite knife.

Stooks Proverb: The early bird catches the worm. The promiscuous bird catches the bird flu.