Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

If anyone knows how to go the distance, it's you. People marvel at your stamina, and it's true -- right now you feel like you could go on forever. Just don’t forget the Fire Sauce. You tend to do that when inebriated.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

The little details have a way of piling up. One by one, they're not so bad, but when they clump up, they can throw a real monkey wrench into your plans. Maybe you should start flushing the toilet at least once every three trips.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Put your people skills to work. When it comes to talking to higher-ups, you know how to get the truth across in the most effective way: nude hand puppets.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Be your own personal entourage. Act as your own manager, agent and press person. If you get out there, you can truly make a difference. This will be especially convenient taking into account your complete lack of friends.

Stooks Proverb: Teachers open the doors, but you must enter them yourself. Unless the teacher is Paris Hilton. Then, you should enter with your friend Trojan.