Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Don't lose heart if some recent adventures haven't turned out quite as you'd hoped. Instead, shake off some of that weight pressing down on your shoulders. You really shouldn’t offer piggyback rides to Rosie O’Donnell.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Recent frustrations about your progress on the job will vanish if you take the time to examine any attitudes that are holding you back. Next step: finding ways to get rid of them. Suggestion: a Suzanne Somers piñata.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Feel like your interest in love has been more rusty than lusty as of late? Not a problem. Everyone goes through those low-energy periods now and then. They usually follow a Flintstones Vitamin binge.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Just because you're in demand doesn't mean you have to appear at everything you're asked to attend. There are only so many birthday cakes a reasonable person can pop out of in a given time.

Stooks Proverb: The tongue can paint what the eye can’t see. The Paris Hilton tongue has the added benefit of painting sores on people.