Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

This rough patch of your recent history is, believe it or not, a great opportunity to learn how to change things for the better. Stop bemoaning your fate. Figure out the divine lesson in these events: Jesus is the only one who can make a decent glass of wine out of water. He makes a damn fine Margarita, too.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Emotional setbacks can hurt like heck. If only you could convince Quentin Tarantino to work Tom Selleck into one of his films.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You're not out of the woods yet. Keep a positive attitude and have faith that you'll get through this just fine. Once you figure out how to use Nair without getting hives, you’ll be at the beach in no time.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A friend may resent the ease with which you attract the right people, but it's not your problem. If they want to talk about it, of course you'll listen, or at least pretend to listen while you’re actually replaying Baywatch episodes in your head.

Stooks Proverb: Opportunity seldom knocks twice. That’s why the Jehova’s Witnesses have such a tough time.