Unless a bucket of cash shows up on my doorstep, I won’t be buying an HDTV soon. I have a 24-inch LCD computer monitor on a cart. If I want a giant TV, I just have to cart the thing to my face. Take that, HDTV pushers! Meanwhile, I have a feeling I will…
Prices are plunging! If you have cash and job security, you can pick up some cheap crap you and your loved ones don’t need this holiday season. For the rest of us: Liquor prices have to come down soon, too. USA! USA! USA!
For a three-bedroom, two-bath house, the answer is this many: Why can’t I opt out of this waste? Shezzus.
If it weren’t for SPAM, I wouldn’t have logged into the site to delete a SPAM comment, and you wouldn’t have had a new blog post to read. Aren’t you lucky?
I got a free landline and cable with my Internet from SureWest. Today, I found a cordless phone in one of my boxes and decided to give the old landline a try. I enjoyed talking to my parents without worrying about frying my cell battery. However, I got two telemarketer calls tonight. One was…
I voted today. Can you guess which municipality received my help? No fair guessing if I hung out with you immediately before or after voting. As an added bonus, we will see how few people still read this crappy blog. USA! USA! USA!
When looking for the perfect booze to enrich your night or morning, just follow my easy, one-step process. Look for the “Lightweight Plastic” seal of approval.
On my drive home from work on Ward Parkway, several war protestors were stationed at the fountains roundabout. Among their signs was one that read “Honk for Peace.” I would say a bunch of cars honking during rush hour leads to the exact opposite of peace.
Do I really need to provide commentary?
Now that I have a job dealing with the general public, I realize the importance of breath mints to our society. Seriously, it seems like some people eat butt at every meal.
Dear Facebook, I don’t appreciate the ad you served up for me today. Your “targeted advertising” needs to make the girls in the ad a little more slutty looking before I fall for this trick. Have you learned nothing from MySpace on how to net some morons? Peace, Stooks
Can you believe the crowd at the Republican National Convention taunted Sarah Palin’s pregnant teenage daughter with chants of “Drill, baby, drill” this week? What won’t the Republicans do?
Dear God, Do you know how many times “God bless America” has been uttered this week? Yeah, lots. In prime time, too. And it’s always at the end of the speeches, when everyone is paying attention. And then we drop balloons or shoot off fireworks or some combination of the two. According to my count,…
Alaskan for oil drilling: Check Penchant for power abuse: Check Unaborted Down Syndrome baby: Check Pregnant teenage daughter with parental support: Check Son in Iraq: Check Sexy Librarian glasses: Check Boobs: Check Aggressive foreign policy rhetoric: Give us some time. We just found this woman last week.
Mr. Goodcents is about as good of a sub as you can buy for the money. It puts Subway to shame. If you don’t have one in your city, I pity you. That being said, Mr. Goodcents puts a tip line on your credit card receipt, hoping to guilt you into poneying up a tip…
I’m not worried he’ll die in office. His longevity concerns me, nonetheless. If he causes the world to explode, he really didn’t have much time left, anyway. It’s like letting a rapist go on a Girls Gone Wild photoshoot right before you castrate him. Sorry, that’s the first analogy that popped into my head.
As I was leaving Wendy’s for lunch yesterday, a young woman was sitting, Indian style, just outside the door. She was on her cell having a loud, uncomfortable, bitch-out session with her boyfriend. What the hell is wrong with people? And you just know her and the douche on the other end of the phone…
Like a child distracted by jingling car keys, we’re all too busy creaming ourselves over Phelps to see anything else. John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the Presidential campaign she encouraged him to run, even though she was in awful shape. Russia worked up a massive boner and has been waving it in…
My roommates’ dog Berry likes to chew on anything (too much teeth, not good for recreational purposes). But Prewitt’s wifebeater has been available for chewing all week. The dog sniffs the shirt, gets Prewitt’s scent, and leaves it alone. Moral of the story: If you don’t want your dog chewing on something, piss on it.
The Royals are 27-32 at home. After last night, they are 1-9 when I attend. Home winning percentage: 46% Me winning percentage: 10% I must be emanating some awful aura that spreads through the stadium and affects this team.
A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence. Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on. I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile. Screw waterboarding. If…
We went to Pittsburg, Kansas for a bachelor party last weekend. A treat was waiting on the hotel air conditioner upon our arrival. To repay the favor, we took turns soiling a condom and then slapped it on the mirror for the next guests’ enjoyment.
In a stunning turn of events, Sunday’s Meet The Press managed to put the most amount of boring on a television set in the history of the medium. When’s Russert coming back from vacation to clean this place up?
Remember how terrible Batman & Robin was? Thanks to Chris Casey for pointing out this nugget: “BATMAN AND ROBIN WORST MOVIE EVER.” It’s missing from the montage, but my favorite line from that movie was when a police officer used his last breath to point out to the other cops that “Our lungs…(gasp)…are freezing!”
Dear everyone who feels the need to comment on my 1998 Corolla, I’m aware of the problems with my car. A brake light is smashed, I have to roll down my window to open the door from the outside, the sideview mirror is cracked, the washer fluid pump is broken, the cabin noise is high.…
For now on, I shall do any public restroom flushing or door opening with my left pinky. I use the left pinky less than any other digit, so it seems like a smart idea to use it when touching areas with latent fecal matter.
I don’t root for the downfall of too many industries, but record labels can’t die soon enough. Instead of embracing and capitalizing on web distribution, record labels pissed their leg and fought the web’s ability to move music. They were too busy fighting Napster to invent iTunes. They were too busy fighting iTunes to invent…
Have you heard? The Olympics are in China. China will regret this. The focus of these games will be on how China treats its people, not on the tired storyline of records falling thanks to new technology. Journalists and spectators from around the world will experience a censored Internet. The Internet is essential to journalists. …
LA goes after fast food: The City Council voted unanimously Tuesday to place a moratorium on new fast food restaurants in an impoverished swath of the city with a proliferation of such eateries and above-average rates of obesity. The yearlong moratorium — which the mayor still must sign into law — is intended to give…
CNN: A 700 percent increase in Heath Ledger disease. Deaths from medication mistakes at home, such as actor Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose, rose dramatically during the past two decades, an analysis of U.S. death certificates finds. The authors blame soaring home use of prescription painkillers and other potent drugs, which 25 years ago were given…