Unless a bucket of cash shows up on my doorstep, I won’t be buying an HDTV soon. I have a 24-inch LCD computer monitor on a cart. If I want a giant TV, I just have to cart the thing to my face. Take that, HDTV pushers! Meanwhile, I have a feeling I will [...]
Matt Stooks.com
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Yearly Archives 2008
Hooray for a crap economy!
Prices are plunging! If you have cash and job security, you can pick up some cheap crap you and your loved ones don’t need this holiday season. For the rest of us: Liquor prices have to come down soon, too. USA! USA! USA!
How many phone books do you need?
For a three-bedroom, two-bath house, the answer is this many: Why can’t I opt out of this waste? Shezzus.
Thank god for SPAM
If it weren’t for SPAM, I wouldn’t have logged into the site to delete a SPAM comment, and you wouldn’t have had a new blog post to read. Aren’t you lucky?
Hello, telemarketer
I got a free landline and cable with my Internet from SureWest. Today, I found a cordless phone in one of my boxes and decided to give the old landline a try. I enjoyed talking to my parents without worrying about frying my cell battery. However, I got two telemarketer calls tonight. One was [...]
Voting!
I voted today. Can you guess which municipality received my help? No fair guessing if I hung out with you immediately before or after voting. As an added bonus, we will see how few people still read this crappy blog. USA! USA! USA!
Simple guide to choosing liquor
When looking for the perfect booze to enrich your night or morning, just follow my easy, one-step process. Look for the “Lightweight Plastic” seal of approval.
Honk for chaos and general disarray
On my drive home from work on Ward Parkway, several war protestors were stationed at the fountains roundabout. Among their signs was one that read “Honk for Peace.” I would say a bunch of cars honking during rush hour leads to the exact opposite of peace.
Clay Aiken for VP!!!
Do I really need to provide commentary?
Mints are good
Now that I have a job dealing with the general public, I realize the importance of breath mints to our society. Seriously, it seems like some people eat butt at every meal.
Get off my ass, Facebook
Dear Facebook, I don’t appreciate the ad you served up for me today. Your “targeted advertising” needs to make the girls in the ad a little more slutty looking before I fall for this trick. Have you learned nothing from MySpace on how to net some morons? Peace, Stooks
Drill, baby, drill
Can you believe the crowd at the Republican National Convention taunted Sarah Palin’s pregnant teenage daughter with chants of “Drill, baby, drill” this week? What won’t the Republicans do?
A letter to God
Dear God, Do you know how many times “God bless America” has been uttered this week? Yeah, lots. In prime time, too. And it’s always at the end of the speeches, when everyone is paying attention. And then we drop balloons or shoot off fireworks or some combination of the two. According to my count, [...]
The Palin checklist
Alaskan for oil drilling: Check Penchant for power abuse: Check Unaborted Down Syndrome baby: Check Pregnant teenage daughter with parental support: Check Son in Iraq: Check Sexy Librarian glasses: Check Boobs: Check Aggressive foreign policy rhetoric: Give us some time. We just found this woman last week.
Old Man McCain
I’m not worried he’ll die in office. His longevity concerns me, nonetheless. If he causes the world to explode, he really didn’t have much time left, anyway. It’s like letting a rapist go on a Girls Gone Wild photoshoot right before you castrate him. Sorry, that’s the first analogy that popped into my head.
Cell phones continue to ruin society
As I was leaving Wendy’s for lunch yesterday, a young woman was sitting, Indian style, just outside the door. She was on her cell having a loud, uncomfortable, bitch-out session with her boyfriend. What the hell is wrong with people? And you just know her and the douche on the other end of the phone [...]
The Olympics are on. Do something awful.
Like a child distracted by jingling car keys, we’re all too busy creaming ourselves over Phelps to see anything else. John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the Presidential campaign she encouraged him to run, even though she was in awful shape. Russia worked up a massive boner and has been waving it in [...]
Tip for dog lovers
My roommates’ dog Berry likes to chew on anything (too much teeth, not good for recreational purposes). But Prewitt’s wifebeater has been available for chewing all week. The dog sniffs the shirt, gets Prewitt’s scent, and leaves it alone. Moral of the story: If you don’t want your dog chewing on something, piss on it.
Troubling statistic
The Royals are 27-32 at home. After last night, they are 1-9 when I attend. Home winning percentage: 46% Me winning percentage: 10% I must be emanating some awful aura that spreads through the stadium and affects this team.
