Mr. Goodcents is about as good of a sub as you can buy for the money. It puts Subway to shame. If you don’t have one in your city, I pity you. That being said, Mr. Goodcents puts a tip line on your credit card receipt, hoping to guilt you into poneying up a tip [...]
Matt Stooks.com
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Monthly Archives August 2008
Old Man McCain
I’m not worried he’ll die in office. His longevity concerns me, nonetheless. If he causes the world to explode, he really didn’t have much time left, anyway. It’s like letting a rapist go on a Girls Gone Wild photoshoot right before you castrate him. Sorry, that’s the first analogy that popped into my head.
Cell phones continue to ruin society
As I was leaving Wendy’s for lunch yesterday, a young woman was sitting, Indian style, just outside the door. She was on her cell having a loud, uncomfortable, bitch-out session with her boyfriend. What the hell is wrong with people? And you just know her and the douche on the other end of the phone [...]
The Olympics are on. Do something awful.
Like a child distracted by jingling car keys, we’re all too busy creaming ourselves over Phelps to see anything else. John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the Presidential campaign she encouraged him to run, even though she was in awful shape. Russia worked up a massive boner and has been waving it in [...]
Tip for dog lovers
My roommates’ dog Berry likes to chew on anything (too much teeth, not good for recreational purposes). But Prewitt’s wifebeater has been available for chewing all week. The dog sniffs the shirt, gets Prewitt’s scent, and leaves it alone. Moral of the story: If you don’t want your dog chewing on something, piss on it.
Troubling statistic
The Royals are 27-32 at home. After last night, they are 1-9 when I attend. Home winning percentage: 46% Me winning percentage: 10% I must be emanating some awful aura that spreads through the stadium and affects this team.
Plants are overrated
A plant, whose existence would be meaningless, found meaning by messing up my existence. Feel free to chew on that hefty load of profound before reading on. I’m pretty sure you could power cars with the crud that seeps from this crap. I know I won’t need to buy Pennzoil for awhile. Screw waterboarding. If [...]
Dirty Band-Aid. Yum.
We went to Pittsburg, Kansas for a bachelor party last weekend. A treat was waiting on the hotel air conditioner upon our arrival. To repay the favor, we took turns soiling a condom and then slapped it on the mirror for the next guests’ enjoyment.
With our boringness combined…
In a stunning turn of events, Sunday’s Meet The Press managed to put the most amount of boring on a television set in the history of the medium. When’s Russert coming back from vacation to clean this place up?
Not as good as The Dark Knight
Remember how terrible Batman & Robin was? Thanks to Chris Casey for pointing out this nugget: “BATMAN AND ROBIN WORST MOVIE EVER.” It’s missing from the montage, but my favorite line from that movie was when a police officer used his last breath to point out to the other cops that “Our lungs…(gasp)…are freezing!”
My 1998 Corolla
Dear everyone who feels the need to comment on my 1998 Corolla, I’m aware of the problems with my car. A brake light is smashed, I have to roll down my window to open the door from the outside, the sideview mirror is cracked, the washer fluid pump is broken, the cabin noise is high. [...]
Left pinky to the rescue
For now on, I shall do any public restroom flushing or door opening with my left pinky. I use the left pinky less than any other digit, so it seems like a smart idea to use it when touching areas with latent fecal matter.
