In this time of economic uncertainty, Americans are tightening their belts. This presents the perfect opportunity for Cap’n Crunch to save the day once more.
We haven’t seen a new variety of Cap’n Crunch since Christmas Crunch began brightening our holidays in 1988.
Twenty years later, I propose Cred’t Crunch.
Cred’t Crunch will strip Cap’n down to his core: pure sugar. The lone filler ingredient will be corrugated cardboard. The cereal pieces will take the form of unpaid credit card bills and the paperwork for adjustable rate mortgages.
Most good Americans are pretending to be Earth-conscious these days, so recycling cardboard in this manner should make us smile. Plus, the box will also have a sugar coating so you can crumple up the box when you’re done, pour milk over it, and eat what would’ve ended up in a landfill.
We want to use our corn to make fuel, which makes our precious high fructose corn syrup more expensive. By avoiding this heretofore necessary ingredient, Quaker Oats will save money in the process, allowing the name brand Cred’t Crunch to sell for Malt-O-Meal prices. Of course, Malt-O-Meal’s no-advertising strategy will allow for an even cheaper knockoff brand: Liquid’ty Loops.
Instead of battling the dreaded Soggies, the Cap’n will battle the even more hated Cred’tors. With his ample sword, the Cap’n will appear in commercials, fending off all those you owe money to.
Hey Quaker, why haven’t you hired me?