My microwave’s display flashes “FOOD IS READY” when the timer hits zero. How does the microwave know the food is ready? It doesn’t know. It’s a liar. If you place a chicken breast in the microwave, and set the timer for 30 seconds, does that mean the chicken is done when the microwave beeps three…
Dear Olive Garden, If I wanted to eat things I couldn’t pronounce, I’d go to a real Italian restaurant. Now, where are those fresh breadsticks you promised? Matt
In order to plant myself firmly in the thick of the whole “Here are some pictures of food I made, and a list of things you need to do to get food to look like these pictures” craze, I’ve decided to share one of my favorite dishes with you: Beef Ravioli in Tomato & Meat…
It was only a matter of time until jalapeños were added to Salmonella Watch: 2008. Fiery deuces abound.
George Will thinks our immigration policy keeps good people out of the United States. Two-thirds of doctoral candidates in science and engineering in U.S. universities are foreign-born. But only 140,000 employment-based green cards are available annually, and 1 million educated professionals are waiting — often five or more years — for cards. Congress could quickly…
Heather spilled her margarita into her Mexican food. The Mexican food was abundant. Tequila never is. Paper plates make decent cups.
We got a pan of Olive Garden lasagna for dinner on Mother’s Day. I got three servings out of the leftovers to take home. Here’s what my diet has been since Sunday: Sunday night: Olive Garden Lasagna Monday lunch: Olive Garden Lasagna Monday dinner: Olive Garden Lasagna Tuesday lunch: Olive Garden Lasagna My innards are…
We got free tickets to the Royals doubleheader last night. Geoff, Kevin, Dan and I hung out in the parking lot for the first half of the first game before going inside. My camera took a bit of a beating last night. After I took the above shot, I tried to take a timed shot…
I have a difficult time parting with expired milk. I have about two glasses worth of milk that expired four days ago. Usually, I notice the expiration date approaching and will finish the gallon no later than two days after expiration. I’ve never known this two-day-expired milk to taste/digest questionably. I should have seen this…
Stephen Hawking, badass: “If the human race is to continue for another million years, we will have to boldly go where no one has gone before.” Hawking compared people who don’t want to spend money on human space exploration to those who opposed the journey of Christopher Columbus in 1492. “The discovery of the New…
From my blog in November: Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli. Tonight, when I loaded my supreme Totino’s Party Pizza into the oven, I noticed a change on the package. Yes, Totino’s assures the quality of this fine…
In this time of economic uncertainty, Americans are tightening their belts. This presents the perfect opportunity for Cap’n Crunch to save the day once more. We haven’t seen a new variety of Cap’n Crunch since Christmas Crunch began brightening our holidays in 1988. Twenty years later, I propose Cred’t Crunch. Cred’t Crunch will strip Cap’n…
I went to Tanner’s in Waldo Saturday night. They have a candy machine in the restroom. It’s filled with unwrapped candy. I guess Tanner’s wants to guarantee you get fecal matter and piss all over your candy. The only delicacy you’re allowed to purchase in the restroom is a Strawberry-Banana flavored condom. Flavor is clearly…
For the first time since college, I’ve taken the Easy Mac plunge. At first glance, Easy Mac looks just as easy as always. Just add water, heat for four minutes, stir in some questionable powdered cheese, and you’re good to go. The poor gourmet A closer look at the package reveals “Tear Here,” with arrows…
A California meat packer is recalling 143 million pounds of beef (bold mine). Hallmark/Westland Meat Packing Co voluntarily recalled all of its beef produced since February 1, 2006. USDA said Hallmark violated rules against the slaughter of “downer cattle” — that is, animals too ill to walk. How, exactly, do you recall beef from two…
Tuesday was IHOP National Pancake Day. You get a free short stack of pancakes, with IHOP suggesting a donation to the Children’s Miracle Network. So, I went for a nourishing dinner at IHOP. I got my free short stack and paid about five bucks extra for bacon, hash browns, toast and two eggs over easy.…
Subway Jared has been packing on the pounds. Check out this profile shot from his ridiculous appearance on CBS’ NFL Today. Obviously this ad campaign is working, otherwise Subway wouldn’t parade him all over TV. Why, despite Jared’s reoccurring girth, do people still look to him for inspiration? How many people could possibly look at…
Thanksgiving dinner is hours away, and I can only hope that I’m not too late in posting this warning. At Thanksgiving, you will eat something you wouldn’t otherwise ever eat. If it’s a potluck occasion, you’re doubly screwed. You see, there’s always one frightening dish at every Thanksgiving dinner. And, you’ll have to eat it.…
My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I’d clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy. 1. No blankets allowed on a bar’s patio. I was on the…
I ate some Totino’s Party Pizza last weekend. It was the first time I’ve noshed on Totino’s in forever. My timing always blows, as indicated in this news: Almost five million Totino’s and Jeno’s frozen pizzas with pepperoni toppings are being recalled because the pepperoni may be contaminated with E. coli. What did I do…
If you’ve ever gone to the gas station just to buy beef jerky, there’s something wrong with you. Cleave tear + Three foot beef stick = Sexy
Big news: Hardee’s is still in business. Every couple of years, Hardee’s introduces a filthy food item to generate some press coverage and remind the world (or the part of the world that isn’t Carl’s Jr.) that they still exist. Hardee’s on Monday rolled out its new Country Breakfast Burrito — two egg omelets filled…