Matt Stooks

Don’t you hate it when someone never updates their website?

Oh wait. I guess that’s me.

Be patient with me, we’re getting ready to put our best audio on the show here at least every couple days.

Schiavo Autopsy Show Massive Brain Damage

No kidding.

Oooh. Oooh. Wait! I’ve got a headline of my own:

Stooks Toilet Shows Midnight Taco Bell Run

He ruined Weekend Update.

He ripped of Politically Incorrect…badly. And that wasn’t a good show in the first place.

And somehow he still shows up on TV.

Find me one person who can even tolerate Colin Quinn. I don’t think you can.

Are you the next Richard Hatch?

I hope not.

But if you want to get on Survivor, there’s a casting call in Kansas City at Nebraska Furniture Mart this Saturday. It starts at 10. Click here to get the full “skinny” (I hate that word but that’s the first thing that popped in my head).

Why was this phrase ever popular?

I’ve heard it more since the move to Manhattan than anything else.

That’s probably the biggest con I’ve found since my arrival.

I guess that’s pretty good.

There’s some kind of random beeping sound in my apartment. What’s interesting, is that it only beeps once every half hour or so.

It might be a smoke alarm wanting new batteries.

But how am I supposed to find the beeping if it happens so rarely?

Should I just go stare at the smoke alarm for the next half hour to see what’s up?

Or maybe I should just burn the place down and see if the smoke alarm goes off.

Everyone knows about the Ice Cream Social.

But how about an Ice Cream Anti-Social?

You would stay quiet, face the wall, and have ice cream roll off your chin while a tear streams down your cheek.

If I had the chance, I too, would propose to any woman who could eat a sandwich like this.

Some TV producer will never wash his cheek again.

Check out Burt Reynolds delivering a slap when the guy admits he never saw the original The Longest Yard.

I’ve been cursed at more than once because of something we’ve talked about on the show.

None were more justified than this guy’s thoughts on us discussing American Idol this morning. Take a listen. It’s worth it.

Check this out: Paris Hilton has a new video. And you can even see it on TV!

It’s for Hardees/Carl’s Jr. and the Parent Television Council isn’t very happy.

You can find out why by viewing it here.

I just saw a hippie driving a new Chevy Blazer.

Am I the only one who sees anything wrong with that?

Whoa. Check out the new Tonya Harding.

I can’t tell if it’s deliberate weight gain for her “boxing career” or if she’s pulled a Kirstie Alley.

Can guys carry this?

I went into a bar in Aggieville and saw a guy with this on his keychain.

I laughed.

But then I heard that the other day a guy got jumped by two other guys in Aggieville.

I might start carrying a little mace with me.

But this is the kind of mace I have in mind:

After many emails and posts to this site, Days of Our Lives made its official return to the show this morning.

In honor of this great event, I’ve put together a montage of the latest controversy: Bo falling victim to some kind of gas that caused him to think a different woman (Billie Reed) was his wife.

Enjoy.

How does a car end up upside down on a sidewalk in Manhattan and have no body damage except for the existing spare tire and years of wear?

I didn’t know Billy Joel bought a place in town.

Is anyone else annoyed with organized “t-shirt” barhopping?

This is where a frat, sorority or other organization makes up a t-shirt and goes from bar to bar.

They arrive in their groups of 20, destroy the atmosphere of the bar, and then leave.

Kindof like the arrival of Oliver on The Brady Bunch, but multiplied by 20, and without the ugly spectacles.

Haha. I just found a picture of Oliver as an awkward adult.

Pretty creepy. But not quite the crackwhore look of Cindy Brady today.

Cry about it some more, you no-talent, sister-beating idiot.

Corey “I not only like to beat up women, but I like to beat up women who are my sister” Clark makes Scott Savol look good.

ABC is such a piece of garbage for airing that special last night.

By the way, did you notice that ABC was playing Corey’s terrible music throughout the entire special?

Jeez, what journalistic integrity you must have to agree to load the show down with off-key, non-catchy, awful-lyric’d garbage so the moron could attempt to sell more than three copies of his upcoming album.

The only proof of anything they had, was Paula Abdul’s message that they hyped up more than we hype up meaningless stories on the morning show.

Take a listen to it, but it’s pretty much Paula saying “the press is asking questions. I’m not sure what about.”

Ooooooh, what a scoop.

American Idol will never be the same. But that’s because Scott “I like to beat up women, but not my sister” Savol got the boot last night. Unfortunately the boot is lodged somewhere in his inner butt cheek.

Have you ever accidentally dropped something into the toilet and had to fish it out with your hands?

Probably.

But have you ever accidentally thrown something into the toilet while you were in the shower?

I used up the rest of my body wash this morning, and I always toss empty shower products over the top of the shower so I remember to throw them away.

Should’ve known.

I threw the body wash over the shower curtain and straight into the toilet.

Come on.

Do you have to choose Thursday night for your press conference where you tell everyone everything that we already know?

And do you have to bump The OC of all things?

You better hope Ryan doesn’t grabe some of his boys from Chino for some retaliation.

Easily the biggest mistake of this administration.

Scott Savol wasn’t even in the bottom three last night.

Ridiculous.

I’ve lost my faith in America.

Have you seen the new food pyramid?

I didn’t realize I needed to have more stick figures in my diet.

With the new pyramid, you get to customize your own plan by entering your age, gender and level of physical activity. Unfortunately, less than 30 minutes a day is as low as it goes. I was looking forever for the less than 30 minutes a week option.

Go here to do your own.

But I think I’ll use the old pyramid.

How can I resist something that not only allows me, but encourages me to eat an entire loaf of bread each day?

Okay, so I was complaining about the police running radar in a new construction zone and within days, I get a ticket. My first ticket in seven years.

It was the day after my brother’s wedding, I was wearing my tux and everything, and I got pulled over in Kansas City.

38 in a 25.

I didn’t even look at the Speed Limit sign, I knew it couldn’t be less than 35.

I was wrong.

“You’re all dressed up,” the cop said.

“I know. I’m in town for my brother’s wedding. I’m not familiar with the area (load of crap). Do you have to give me a ticket?”

“Yes.”

Maybe things would’ve been different if I would’ve worn my low-cut tuxedo shirt.

Apparently Paula likes reading Internet message board about American Idol. And she sees that everone thinks she’s wasted.

I think the picture tells us all we need to know.

But Paula says the rumors just ain’t got none truth to ’em in da whatsoever. Great job! I’m proud of you! (*clap clap*).

I direct you again to the World Famous Matt Stooks Paula’s Wasted Montage. You make the call.

First off, what a stupid nickname.

Second, shouldn’t there be some kind of waiting period before you start pulling people over in a construction zone?

They just started working on a highway that I take to work each morning and they already had a cop out, at 4:30 a.m., trying to find people who were going over the ridiculous 35 mph limit.

Hopefully the new pope can take care of that problem, too.

We used to think you were cool because you were Ruben-sized and looking like Corky but Idol let you advance.

But then we found out that you like to beat up girls.

Oh yeah, then there’s that part where you can’t sing.

Then the part where you’re way too cocky for your terrible voice.

So now we kinda hope you have a coronary in front of Cowell on American Idol tonight.

And please, squash Seacrest as you fall to your demise.

Love,

Matt Stooks

Kansas City’s Chubby’s is a 24 hour diner.

Lawrence’s Chubby’s is a bowling alley’s bar and grill. You know you’re going to get quality food at a bowling alley’s bar. I don’t know why they just don’t give up and sell gas station sandwiches, instead.

Junction City’s Chubby’s is a barbecue/barbeque/BBQ/Bar-B-Q place.

So, if you name your restaurant Chubby’s, you can change your menu at any time without changing your name. People except the name Chubby’s for any restaurant.

But I still haven’t seen a Chinese place with the name. Hmmmm.

That’s what The Donald should’ve said to Chris Shelton, one of his Apprentice wannabees.

This picture has my Abdul-O-Meter in the red.

He was arrested the other night for disorderly conduct.

Any guesses on if he advances much further on The Apprentice?