Matt Stooks

While watching Boogie Nights, I realized John C. Reilly is a poor man’s Will Ferrell. In fact, I’m wondering if anyone has ever seen both of them in the same room at the same time.

Creepy, huh?

I got a Pizza Shuttle last night with pepperoni and cream cheese.

It was delicious.

But every time I microwave pizza, it’s a disaster.

The crust is hot.

The tip is hot.

Everything in the middle is as cold as a corpse.

Gross.

What a great show.

I actually lowered myself to going to a fan message board and there were rumors that Walt was talking in reverse when he magically appears in the jungle.

Here’s the encounter between Shannon and Walt in the jungle.

Here is just what Walt says as it appeared on the show.

Here’s what Walt says if you play it in reverse. Listen closely.

If you’re not a fan, sorry for boring you.

Wow, I’m so intelligent. Do you know how long it took me to come up with the lame title for this post?

I had to pay a three dollar convenience fee to get my license plate renewed yesterday. Yeah, convenience fee. They’re really making up for loads of lost cash from laying off people at the courthouse and even eliminating the Kate Moss-thin woman with spectacles and french frie curls who looks over the paper applications that somehow don’t warrant a convenience fee.

What other conveniences are we paying for? Let’s listen in to Stooks in the Morning.

Terrible.

Simply awful.

The ironic thing is that the Emmy honors excellence in television, yet The Emmy Awards is the worst thing on TV all year. But I always end up watching every minute.

Enough with the Miniseries Emmy, already. Not only do they have the Emmy for the miniseries, but they have to honor Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Writing, Best Directing, and Best “I didn’t know Angela Lansbury was still alive” awards in the miniseries category.

The “In Memoriam” segment is always entertaining. They have all these network executives and writers who died, but only a couple of people you’ve actually heard of get sprinkled in.

And what happens when Danny Cooksey, a.k.a. “Sam” from Diff’rent Strokes dies? Will he be on it?

Whenever I reference an obscure child star, I feel the need to give you an updated photo.

Oh no, he’s in front of a mic. Please tell me he isn’t pursuing a singing career. If he is, I bet he’s writing a pretty nifty hurricane relief song right about now.

Matthew Fox from Party of Five had three chicks with him. I’m not sexist, they were just dressed like “chicks.” You know what I mean. Either way, it was nicely done. Oh yeah, I guess he’s on Lost, also.

Everybody Loves Raymond? Are you kidding me? Over Arrested Development, Desperate Housewives, and Scrubs?

How does James Spader keep winning? How does he beat Kiefer, Hugh Laurie and Ian McShane? I could understand if his competition were Dave Coulier, Ben Savage and Melissa Joan Hart. But, come on.

The show also ran two minutes late, totally ruining the rest of my plans for the evening. Not cool.

An actress wipeout is the only thing that would’ve saved the show for me. Maybe the undeserving, funky toothed Patrica Arquette could trip over her gargantuan gown and smash her face on the walk up the steps. It could only improve her dental situation.

If you make it through this, you deserve a slap in tbe face for wasting your time and justifying me wasting mine writing it.

Tonight, I Tivo’d Survivor, and flipped between The O.C. and Primetime.

I’ve only been able to figure out three things that might be happening on The O.C.

1. Julie Cooper is getting back with her ex for sure, but it was over drinks, so that won’t last. And besides, you can’t trust Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper is such a…damn…gotta…keep it…clean. Hmmmm. Oh. Here we go: Julie Cooper is such a woman who equals not good.

2. Ryan punched a guy…I think. But I didn’t need to watch any of the episode to have as much confidence in that statement than I do after watching three, total, non-consecutive, minutes of the show.

3. There is a cool, slow, ballady, acoustic version of the show’s theme song: “California,” by Phantom Planet. You’re welcome for the illegal downloading help. Although, if you can’t put “OC Theme” into Google yourself, you might be in trouble. You don’t even need to use the quotations marks, you…Christina Applegate’s character on Married…With Children.

I didn’t get as much out of Primetime as I could have. It had some great story telling on the Hurricane.

Survivor? I guess we’ll find out when I get back to the Tivo.

But that will be later.

There’s a Presidential Address on.

Damn.

It’s on all the channels.

What can I Tivo while I’m watching the Address?

Oh. Thank God. The WNBA Finals Game Two between the Sacramento Monarchs and the Connecticut Sun is on.

I’m slowly getting to a point.

Bear with me.

You’ve made it this far.

First off, I catch enough flack (sorry for that word, but I couldn’t think of anything to substitute for the word I wanted to use). Where was I? Oh yeah. First off, I catch enough flack already for not going out enough. Now I’ll be stuck on the couch even longer than before, and my Tivo can only record one channel at a time.

TV is back. And, I’m hosed.

Here’s my proposal.

Remember when David Letterman was talking with ABC about moving his show there? Or when Fox was going after Conan? They both re-signed for more money, and, for Conan, a better gig.

Obviously all the networks make huge money in late night.

But the traditional “Late” shows have already fragmented the available viewing audience for that type of show.

Fox and ABC should replay their prime time shows in late night.

That way, I can still see The O.C., House, Arrested Development, Alias, Jake in Progress, etc., when my Tivo is busy and there’s even another show I like on one of the other networks. By the way, what item doesn’t belong in that last sentence?

Surely there’s a bigger market for prime time re-runs in late night than the current garbage on the Fox and ABC late night schedules. Better “late” than never, right? Where’s my pun award?

How I haven’t been hired as a Network Executive yet baffles the mind (sarcasm warning).

There.

Finished.

Now go slap yourself.

Haha! My Tivo just flipped from Brian Williams and Tim Russert on ABC for the 8:30 South Park. Chef’s sexually suggestive singing amuzes me.

Whoops, false ending.

Here’s the real one.

Count the number of times I used ellipses (that’s three periods in a row, or “…” for the grammatically average).

But please don’t go grading my grammar on this post.

Way too many sentences.

I would lose.

And if I’m going to lose, I don’t want to play.

Finished.

Now, go slap yourself.

Stop reading.

Now.

Seriously.

Don’t make me reach through this computer screen and slap you myself!

“It’s amazing what sleep deprivation does for the mind.”

-Matt Stooks

HAHA!

I just watched Martha Stewart’s new show, Martha. It’s like her old show, but more awkward.

Go ahead, Martha. Force that smile. Look at how phony she is! I think a little bit of her soul dies every time she smiles.

They started the show with her holding a dog. She can’t pull it off! It’s taking every fiber of her being to resist choking the life out of the dog! Somebody get that thing away from the dog!

Later on, she has a stuffed animal. Phew! She still wants to tear the head off the thing, but at least she won’t get arrested for it.

She has a studio audience and guests. Today she had Marcia Cross from Desperate Housewives.

It was excruciating! But I couldn’t stop watching! Martha is TV crack!

Check out Martha’s awkwardly scripted attempt at being funny.

Then, you can tell she has no idea about the Desperate Housewives as she brings up the show’s soundtrack and then cuts Marcia off.

HAHA!

That’s not it!

Martha then gives an illegitimate invite to the crowd to come watch the Desperate Housewives DVDs at her place. The idiot crowd believes her!

But the best part of this show is a ripoff of Oprah.

She has a guest on who makes meatballs.

The poor crowd!

They’re stuck just feet away from some of the most salivating, luscious meatballs in the world!

Just out of reach!

Oh no!

What’s a crowd to do?

Don’t worry!

Martha has meatballs for everybody!

And they scream for the meatballs!

“YESSSSSSSSSSS!” roars one audience member.

“Put them in my mouth!” yells another.

“I want to lick you Martha!” comes yet another member of the crowd.

How come I never see anyone act this way when it’s free samples at the grocery store?

I almost used a sad-face emoticon after that last sentence. For that, I apologize.

Here you go. A Hurricane post.

There.

Now I’ve fulfilled my legal obligation as a “blogger” to mention the hurricane.

Hope it’s been eye-opening.

Okay, fine. One take: The News Networks should be in charge of FEMA. They were there before the thing even started.

From the U.S. Department of Labor Website:“Labor Day differs in every essential way from the other holidays of the year in any country,” said Samuel Gompers, founder and longtime president of the American Federation of Labor. “All other holidays are in a more or less degree connected with conflicts and battles of man’s prowess over man, of strife and discord for greed and power, of glories achieved by one nation over another. Labor Day…is devoted to no man, living or dead, to no sect, race, or nation.”

Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.

My take: We’re either celebrating our laziness and need for an extra day off or we needed an official day to close public pools.

And I’m not talking about having two posts in one day.

I have fun Mr. Rogers goodies for you to enjoy! That last sentence is one of the few times an exclamation point is called for.

I watched an episode today. I want you to get a least some of the great experience I enjoyed.

Mr. Rogers sings about how he likes you for you.

Here’s an out of context quote from Daniel, the tiger from the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

And here’s the classic, Mr. Rogers saying goodbye song.

Speaking of which, I should start closing our show by singing that song.

Enjoy.

Everybody always talks about how great ice cream is. But if it disappeared off the face of the Earth, we’d get over it pretty quick.

I’ve always thought a professional massage would be a nice thing to get. But I’ve always been scared by the possibility my masseuse would end up being a 400-pound woman with hair growing out of an inch-wide lip mole.

The toilet paper roll should be positioned so the toilet paper comes out from behind the roll. You’ll never change my mind on this.

Bananas are one of the many foods I hate that I’ve never tried. Why? Because somebody was able to convince someone to put “anana” in the middle of a word. Looking like a phallus doesn’t help, either.

Build a giant Wal-Mart. Put the entire world in there. The only time you would ever have fights would be at Christmas.

Have you ever noticed that gas station attendants are the coolest people in the world? What happened?

You’re never more alone than when you’re showering in the dark.

People who didn’t read much before, read a lot more now thanks to computers. Unfortunately they’re reading LOL, BRB, and :).

If you want to feel true compassion for someone, go to hotornot.com

Why were marshmallows invented? I’m thinking you’d have to envision the s’more before you’d think of the marshmallow.

The Easter Bunny is the biggest manipulation of a holiday to make money. It doesn’t really bother me.

All people have this in common: they have all had that little body spasm right before they fall asleep, feeling like they’ll fall right off the bed.

Is gravy a condiment?

I bet every weatherman has lost a boatload of money at the casino.

Well, the guy who plays George Michael on Arrested Development, at least.

Don’t even try to tell me that my co-host and this guy don’t look alike.

Who’s more attractive, by the way? Trying to make Justin insecure. Give me some help, here.

I hooked up my Nintendo Entertainment System (sometimes I call it NES for short) today.

Yeah, the old 8-bit.

I forgot how good of a game the original Super Mario Brothers was.

But there are some problems that need to be addressed.

1. I need to be able to play a one-person game with Luigi. That’s unfair that the only time I get to see Luigi is if I can trick somebody over to my place or try to play both characters at the same time, but then neither of my thumbs would work for weeks, and I wouldn’t be able to open a can of Sam’s Choice Cola, an underrated beverage available at a United States discount store known as Wal-Mart, which coincidentally hires a grandma to work at the front door, simultaneously making you go “ah, how cute” and “good lord, you’re frightening,” which are two tough emotions to have at the same time.

2. Give Mario and Luigi bigger brains. They always go to the crappy, minimum security castles first, trying to find Princess, even though it’s obvious Princess is a high-profile target who probably has a better captor than a giant lizard who can only blow flames. Toad is always at the end of the crap castles, and says “Thank you mario but our princess is in another castle.” No kidding, Toad. And does Toad keep on getting recaptured before the end of every stage? Or, are there legions of Toads somewhere, who are carted off to jail for some reason?

I got my hands on some pregnant Britney pictures for your pleasure. In a bikini. Wow.

Okay, so is that grapefruit juice or a screwdriver, heavy on the vodka? And doesn’t it look like she has a little happy trail down the length of her stomach?

There’s something about a pregnant woman in a bikini using her hands to describe the length of something. Hmmmm.

I ran into a guy I used to work with in Lawrence over the weekend.

But it took me a while to figure it out.

It was one of those things where you see somebody, and start thinking “Hmmm. Looks familiar. But from where?”

Then. It happens.

“Hey, Matt!”

Uh oh. Not only do I not remember his name, but he enthusiastically remembers mine.

What an ass. (Not him, me.)

Then, being the smooth guy I am, I say “Hey. What’s your name?”

Nice, Stooks. Have another drink you piece of garbage.

Is there anything worse than someone who’s like “Ooooh, you should go to my website because it has all kinds of good stuff and blah, blah, blah, etc., blah”?

Then, they update the thing hardly ever, and then have a radio show that keeps on telling them to go to the website even though there’s nothing new ever there?

Oh. I guess that’s me.

Check it out. Real audio from the show! And I don’t use exclamation points lightly.

We’ll do our best, at least for a couple of weeks until we get sick of the effort, to get audio onto this site. And we have a couple of great ones for you today.

This morning, we were talking about how K-State Football Coach Bill Snyder’s house was robbed by a former football player. Check out the story here.

Well, it got us off on a rant about people stealing things from parties. Check out this bizarre caller. Not sure if she’s drunk or high, but something is funky.

The John Stossell Pick of the Week went to sunglasses this week. Here’s the show recap of why sunglasses won.

Here’s what the Dougboy looked like Monday morning.

Notice the wick hanging out of his mouth?

Yes, I know it’s called a fuse.

I call it a wick. I’m what you would call “anti-establishment.”

So, we lit the wick. On live radio in celebration of July 4th.

Inside, was a firework devised to destroy the Pillsbury Doughboy.

It took me an hour to find the remains.

Nothin’ says lovin’ like a blown-up Doughboy.

And welcome to another gripping episode of Cheaters.

What an amazing show.

When you hear the words “I’m Joey Greco with Cheaters,” you know you’re busted.