Matt Stooks

This morning, we tried to figure out if having an overprotective girl or boyfriend has any benefits.

We were having trouble with our computer this morning. We decided to call Baron, our tech support guy.

I still haven’t seen the new X-Men. Sweedish Schoolboy Hansel hasn’t seen it either, but plans to this weekend.

Need tips to tolerate George Lopez?

George Lopez tip one.

George Lopez tip two.

“Oh, no! The top of my head is gone! All of my unfunny is escaping!”

***Parental Discretion Advised***

Chris and I went to El Tapatio for lunch today.

El Tapatio has a ridiculously hot salsa you can ask for, which inspired the following.

We had a couple of margaritas and came up with “Health Chat with Chip Rimaldi.” Today’s guest is Benji Homona and there’s no way we’ll ever be allowed to play this on the air.

Here’s our behind the scenes creation of the bit. Beware: it takes us 20 minutes to get it right.

Chris was sick yesterday, barfed three times, and made it to the bathroom every time. He didn’t defecate his pants, either!

So, we started talking with our callers about those times when we didn’t quite make it in time.

“Pokey totally got me Helen-Keller-faced last night!”

Once again, we got a caller for “Swap Shop” who had some interesting items for sale.

Remember Steve, our new sales guy? We’ve been playing practical jokes on him since he got here. He’s a little under the weather today. Chris brought Steve a treat to speed along his recovery.

Junction City is looking at banning cell phone use for drivers.

We had a couple of callers angry at the idea. They were left wondering, “what’s next?”

Zack Morris’ phone: the number one cause of cell-related accidents

For the first time since I started this site, I’ve updated its look.

I’m usually not a fan of white fonts on a black background, but I think it kinda works.

Check out the little play buttons next to the audio links. You won’t have to click on the files unless you want to save them somewhere. This allows for optimum convenience and the ability to spend more time staring at photos of Hasselhoff.

Let me know if you hate the look, and I’ll see if I can tweak it some more.

Love,

Stooks

One of our callers warned us about Steve Guttenberg and Co. coming back for another Police Academy.

Is that a Bobcat Goldthwait in your pants or are you happy to see me?

By the way, IMDB omits Bobcat’s name from the credits for the new movie? He has to be in it, otherwise it will be worthless. Sure, Michael Winslow can make funny noises, but only Bobcat makes funny sounding sentences.

In other news, “Craft Corner” returned to the show today with a fun new project.

“The Johnny Kaw Radio Show” questioned ettiquette for having company over.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day “‘We really thought that Terri Schiavo was an attractive young lady so we named her after that.'” -Stooks guessing at what Brad and Angelina were thinking when they named their kid “Shiloh.”

The show’s back up tomorrow, and I’ve finally found a decent picture of Hasselhoff’s tears from last week’s American Idol finale.

You really had to see it live to appreciate the full Hoff sentimentality, but a man’s gotta eat.

“Something flew into my eyes, alright!!!”

By the way, Hasselhoff will be a judge on Simon Cowell’s new show, America’s Got Talent, Cowell’s second blatant ripoff of American Idol (the other is...I forget, sorry).

The most shocking thing from last night’s American Idol was at the very end of the show.

Out of nowhere, they pop Hasselhoff on the screen. This is the first and only time they showed him the entire show. Taylor Hicks was finishing his victory song, Hasselhoff is on screen, clapping, shaking his head back and forth as if to say “unbelievable show.” Tears are evident in Hoff’s eyes.

This morning, we decided to see if Hasselhoff was breaking walls down for all mankind with his crying episode.

So we asked, “if Hasselhoff can cry, is it easier for other men to shed tears?”

Immediately, three dudes call in and start hating on Hasselhoff for his display of emotion.

Luckily a proud Hoff supporter called in, frequently referring to him by last name only and almost flat-out declaing him the sexiest of all.

Another woman heard this and wouldn’t stand still for it, and lashed out against this Hasselhoff sympathizer.

Then, the High Lady calls in, and says she would rather sleep with a specific friend of Hasselhoff’s than Hasselhoff himself.

Hoff cried so hard, he disabled the tear ducts in his right eye

Did you see Hasselhoff crying when they announced Taylor Hicks as the winner?

I was just going to do a halftime post, but that was too classic.

Ben Stiller and Heather Locklear together? Ben, think before you drink…

Yeah, the guy on the right has hit that

And I get that Kellie Pickler is a moron, yet American Idol shoves it 12 inches back there. Two segments with her already?

“What’s a stupid ass?”

We were talking about twisted diets this morning.

One caller verified the effects of a cigarette diet.

Another talked about the saran wrap diet.

Rosie and Calista

For our allergy suffers, it’s the Stooks in the Morning Pollen Report.

For fun with words, it’s “Words with Chris Casey.”

Finally, a product for people who miss the college students during the summer months.

It’s dumpster diving season in Manhattan.

We were talking about some of the questionable things people are willing to take home with them, when a woman calls in telling me to “stop smashing” people who dumpster dive. After she hangs up, a stoner calls in and insults her. That’s where the segment stopped on the air.

But listeners didn’t hear her call back in and unleash a slew of profanities about the stoner. Here’s the whole thing pieced together for your enjoyment. Definitely a classic. Too bad I couldn’t get it edited quick enough to get on the air this morning.

Wow! There’s a toaster, a pillow and a human jawbone in here! Jackpot!

Every boss I’ve had in radio says “one thought per break,” so you don’t confuse the listener. So we decided to have a break that went all over the place.

Here’s a clip of a dog calling the show.

Did you know that Shredder…

Is played by Philip Banks? Here’s a clip.

Here’s an odd sidenote, this may or may not be a blog by James Avery (Philip/Shredder). Google brings it up when you search for both “James Avery” and “Philip Banks.”

We had some requests for some screenshots of the Immigrant Repellent. Photoshop Adam hooked us up and he says he may get chemically enhanced later to make some more.

And if you were wondering about the world famous Crunchy-Creamy Peanut Butter (clip here)…

The Handshake.

What a mess.

Awkward limp wrists, noodle arms, bone-crushing grips and spreading disease.

I had an especially filthy handshake experience this weekend at a wedding reception.

We tried to figure out if you can get out of having to shake someone’s hand.

Spreading the bird flu and other diseases for hundreds of years

If you haven’t heard, Hasselhoff will be a judge on America’s Got Talent, a bad ripoff of American Idol and Star Search. One of our callers told us it was ripping off another show as well.

Sadly, Hasselhoff never kicked his Speedo habit

The illegal immigrant debate is really heating up. Until Congress gets off their butts, we have a solution for your illegal immigrant problems.

Here’s an estended discussion on my “Wasp on the toilet” post from Friday.

I’m only doing serious business in there once a day, so don’t think I’m some constant toilet sitter.

Two weeks ago, I’m on the toilet and my door gets buzzed. Then knocked. Then I hear “maintenance.”

A complete rush of blood to the head as I hear the door get unlocked and then snapped against my chain lock. My friends always make fun of me for using every lock, but this time it protected me from getting caught.

I hurry up and finish my business and get to the door. The fire inspector is with the maintenance man and needs to take a look around. I totally forgot about it.

Flash forward to five minutes ago.

There I am, minding my own business, reading a book and getting ready for a wipe.

I hear something buzzing around and smacking against my light.

I look up.

It’s a wasp.

Then, it lands on the shower curtain, which is right next to me.

I waddle into the living room with my shorts around my ankles, get my vacuum cleaner and head toward the bathroom.

I turned that sucker on and vacuumed that bugger right into oblivion.

Then, I finished my business.

When a man can’t relieve himself without entering a complete panic mode, the terrorists have already won.

Even the toilet was horrified.

The Da Vinci Code is out today, and there’s hella hubbub going around.

The movie didn’t get very good reviews, but The Stoner says it’s because the critics didn’t watch it the right way.

Hansel’s dad is taking him to see the movie, and he’s quite excited.

Jesus didn’t foresee Judas’ biggest betrayal:
Forgetting to put up the “No Girls Allowed” sign

The Manhattan School District is looking to make lunch time a little healthier.

We started reminiscing about lunchroom memories, like the time I unleashed pudding all over a girl’s face.

One of our callers said she had a horrifying experience with salad dressing.

One guy threw a hamburger at a girl for getting all kinds of sassy up in his grill because he broke up with his girlfriend.

I’ve heard of it before, but I’ve never witnessed a vomit chain reaction. Check out this guy’s story.

Wouldn’t this be better if they tore off steaks and ground chuck from their bodies as well?

Photoshop Adam sent me some new photos to warn me about abusing drugs.

“Stooks, Remember those old commercials where they said “This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs”? And then some skanky looking chic would trash a kitchen or throw eggs at an old lady. Anyway I think someone should bring them back, in tribute to that, here is a of pic of your life, and your life on drugs. Enjoy. – Adam “

Pretty frightening stuff.

Apparently alcohol’s okay.

However, if you mix in some serious dope, you’re in trouble.

Hanging out with Maury? I thought this was supposed to discourage me.

Have you ever picked up a Maxim, Men’s Health or Cosmo and read one of those “Top 10 worst things to do on a first date” articles?

I always wonder, “who actually needs this advice?” Advice like “don’t talk about your ex, how good you are in bed and no dinner table flatulence.”

We got proof of the people who need this advice on today’s show.

Wondering about making sandwiches with a heel of bread? You’ll want to listen to today’s “Sandwich Chat with Chip Rimaldi.” Sandwich Enthusiast Benji Homona is today’s guest.

Finally, the long awaited debut of “The Johnny Kaw Radio Show.” Johnny Kaw is a giant statue in Manhattan’s City Park.

“I wouldn’t mind putting my sickle in that!” – Johnny Kaw

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “That Mandissa memorabilia you have won’t be priceless forever. You have a chance to make a killing. Especially with that sanitary napkin toilet seat cover she used at the Denny’s in Dubuque, Iowa after eating a Lumber Jack Slam.” – Libra’s Stooksoscope

We do a segment on the show every day called “The Stooksoscope.” It’s like a horoscope, but with my name inserted and some of the stars advice slightly altered.

Here’s today’s for Taurus:

The fear is far more intimidating than the task itself. Tackle this job, and you’ll find that it’s easier than you would’ve believed. In fact, you’ll realize that your imagination made it far worse than the reality, unfortunately your imagination also conjured up images of midget clowns petting ponies.

It seems like every radio show feels the need to mention midgets, so we really didn’t have a midget chat planned. But we couldn’t keep the calls from pouring in.

Would a George Clooney midget still get the ladies? That’s this guy’s question.

We got two calls on this that we didn’t get to put on the air. The funny thing is both calls mention Bridget the Midget.

The first caller brought up Donkey Shows. I’m still not really sure what a Donkey Show is, but i’m sure it’s filthy.

The second caller told us about a friend who owes money to Bridget the Midget.

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Nothing says “sexy” like a tatooed midget with Marilyn Monroe’s defrosted head attached

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div style=”text-align: left;”>We started talking about how annoying some “Bulletins” are on MySpace. Think mid-90’s quality Email forwards. The Iraqi woman called in to counter our claims.

The Da Vinci Code comes out this Friday. One guy told us about his plans for a “Da Vinci Code Party,” complete with “Jesus Togas.”

Thanks to groundbreaking Stooks technology, we found a hidden message in last night’s American Idol.

Podcast: Download (645.8KB)

Hopefully this is a treat.

I’m no longer limiting myself to one post a day. So you’ll need to make sure you scroll down to get your full fix of new posts each day.

We’ll keep giving you the morning posts and sound clips you know and love. But there may be bonus posts throughout the day. For example, today, Adam sent me a gorgeous Sam Donaldson-John Stossel hybrid photo.

With their powers combined, evildoers no longer hid in the shadows…
they turned themselves in.

Cox Communications has a new marketing campaign. Something like “don’t go outside, stay inside and watch more Cox programming.

We were talking about how stupid that is, and encouraged our listeners to come up with something decent.

We couldn’t air one of our callers, who created a character “Harry,” a marketing guy at Cox. However, we can have it online.

While the ring couldn’t control Frodo, his vulnerability for
Michaelangelo’s Party Dude Attitude was his downfall.

Chris ordered the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles DVD. One of our callers says the Ninja Turtles suck and that the whole plotline was a logistical nightmare.

Our punking of New Salesguy Steve continued today. This time, we messed with his car.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “All’s well that ends well. Especially if the in-between stuff involves the ghotst of Macaulay Culkin haunting Joe Pesci’s dreams and ginormous nostrils.” – The Stooks Proverb

The President’s address tonight better not mess up “24.”

The eyebrow is second only to the nose itch in awkward public itching. Yup, even above the crotch.

Tetris makes my eye burn more than any other video game. Not both eyes, just the left one.

I want to get a massage, but I’ve never had a professional one before. I just don’t want to make a fool out of myself during my first time. Are you allowed to pant and drool?

Cox Communications is running ads and sending out mail encouraging people to stay inside and watch TV. Where’s the uproar? I think I’ll try to start some.

I’m starting a lobbying group to get Sam Donaldson on TV more.

His eyes and toupee demand the truth.

I haven’t seen anyone perform a somersault in a long time. What happened? The piggyback ride is still going strong.

I saw an elderly couple using the self checkout at Dillon’s yesterday.

While they didn’t physically struggle with the process, it was quite shocking to observe and elderly couple trying such new-fangled technology.

This morning, we started talking about funny things we’ve seen old people do. A caller told us about his troubling experience with a Wal-Mart greeter at the self checkout.

The banker from “Deal or No Deal?” called in.

The High Lady called in about how good her Mother’s Day was. She has figured out that we call her the High Lady.

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “I’m the High Lady. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

We had all kinds of Mother’s Day fun today.

We had a “Mother’s Day Memories” feature that ran throughout the show. Here’s segment 1, segment 2, and segment 3.

Hansel stopped by and had a sad Mother’s Day story.

Finally, an online-only segment with the High Lady on Mother’s Day. She didn’t call until the show ended.

“She’s been scary for a long time.” – So says one of my bosses, who will remain nameless

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “I defecated in my mom’s womb.” – A Stooks in the Morning caller

We have graduations and Mother’s Day this weekend. That left us with loads of ground to cover this morning.

Which are the real Blanche and Dorothy?

“Stooks in the Morning’s Craft Corner” had some great tips for homemade Mother’s Day gifts.

Our callers gave us some tips for moving on into the real world after graduating.

“Now that I have my diploma, time to drag the guy who killed Swayze in Ghost to hell.”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Like Mrs. Whitherbottom and Captain Dandy?” – Chris on more creative nicknames for Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. Scarlett calls them “My girls.”

My landlord is giving a tour of my apartment this afternoon. I have empty liquor bottles in my kitchen and laundry all over the floor. It’s probably been a month-and-a-half since I’ve done laundry.

This’ll give me the opportunity to finally get the laundry done and be out of the apartment when they do the tour. I feel too awkward to be around when they do those tours.

This discussion led to one of the best callers we’ve ever had on the show.

“It smells like Lou Diamond Phillips’ crotch in here.”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “If his room is nasty, his ass is nasty.” – A caller putting Stooks in his place on doing the laundry.

We have a new sales guy, Steve. We thought we’d have a little fun with this morning, and he totally got punk’d!!!

Katie Holmes’ parents finally got to see Suri Cruise. So we tried to figure out what they did for fun with “What did the Holmesies do while visiting Suri in L.A.?”

So, David Blaine blew a fatty last night and came TWO MINUTES short of the record. Isn’t it this guy’s job to fix the results in his favor? Well, one of our callers thought they could beat the breath-holding record.

“And now I’ll break the record for longest time holding sound in an ear.”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Whimper…” – Steve the new sales guy after he totally got punk’d this morning.

Our little movie-reviewing friend called with his thoughts on Mission: Impossible III.

I went to a bachelor party this weekend and have another one coming up this Saturday in Kansas City for my friend Geoff.

This led us to speculate on times when the bachelorette finds out a little too much information about the bachelor party.

A caller told us about an extreme bachelor wedgie.

In this segment, one bachelor shows up late to his own wedding because of the festivities and another guy had a run-in with Tiffany Amber Thiesson, a.k.a. “Kelly” from Saved by the Bell.

“And no one thought we could get lamer…”

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day for Today: “Did she fart in a jar and put it in her face?” – Chris Casey guessing at the latest thing Heather Lockler is doing to get under Denise Richards’ skin in their ongoing feud. The correct answer was “She has a promising TV pilot.”

One of our callers celebrated with a “Cinco De Mayo” party.

We also did this for the holiday. Not really sure how to explain it, you’ll just have to listen and be horrified.

Hansel joined us to talk about his MySpace page. See his page here.

Finally, the long-awaited debut of “Patrick Swayze’s Pottery Barn for Kids.”

And once again, we have a behind-the-scenes look at how we came up with the idea.

“Aw, much less vomit-inducing than me kissing someone.” – Woman on the right

Today’s Daily Quote of the Day: “Noooooooooooooo!” – Darth Vader, after Maury tells him he’s not Luke’s father. (Listen to that clip here).