Matt Stooks

I was annoyed by a kid who had a laser pointer last night at Sundown Salute, Junction City’s ridiculously impressive 4th of July celebration.

We explained how he needs to realize how lame laser pointers are these days (even more so than they ever have been, amazingly).

To help him, and other clueless people, we did “Wait, wait!! Dear lord! Haven’t you heard? That’s not cool anymore.”

Wanna be cool like these guys? Buy a laser pointer!

It seems like a lot of people got the day off or are taking the day off for an extended weekend.

At least one group is having a 4th of July Eve party.

We shot off some fireworks in the studio to celebrate the holiday.

One caller shared a story about a bad combination of tank top and roman candle.

The Stoner called to talk about some dog poo he exploded.

Chris put on a fireworks show to cheer up New Salesguy Steve.

Uncle Sam called in, but I was suspicious of him and had to take action.

Jessica indicates the number of STDs since she left Nick

Wow, we did a lot of moronic things today. And believe it or not, there are people who don’t like what we do.

Here’s one of them.

I finally got a Realtor yesterday.

We looked at at least six houses, and almost every one of them had a distinct funk.

We discussed whether a funk is reason enough to not buy a house.

An old woman called to dispute my claims of an “old person funk.”

Another woman said maybe I’m responsible for the funk.

Then, the High Lady called in and put her friend on the phone with a solution. Listen closely and you can hear her tell him to “stop eating chicken” while he’s on the phone with us.

Not one to share the spotlight, the High Lady called back with some more thoughts.

Louie Anderson’s laundromat

In other show activity:

We had Horace the Pony in the studio.

Superman is out today, and we were talking about our superpowers.

We heard about superpowers including talking your way out of a speeding ticket, throwing rocks, moving your eyebrows one at a time…

And one man’s power to move traffic out of his way by treating it like an Asian woman.

“His Ken Doll-like front made Pete the perfect lycra costume model.”

Other show highlights:

A call from a gentleman who wants to raise awareness about the benefits of applesauce.

The Stoner called to talk about fishing.

Why aren’t people honest with each other on how ugly their haircuts look?

A recent incident on MySpace forced me to address the issue on today’s show.

“Ooooh, I need to get the name of that stylist.” -Joan Rivers

The Iraqi woman, quick to weigh in on MySpace issues, has a solution for people with bad hair.

Other show highlights:

A caller who doesn’t agree with the critics who love the new Superman movie out tomorrow.

Chris heads to Salesguy Steve’s house to cheer him up.

This morning, we talked about Photoshop Adam’s claim that you can go to Wal-Mart after 10, get a red ribbon from the elderly greeter, tie it onto your cart, and wait as the hot singles come rushing your way.

His story was a little off, as one store in the U.S. has done something similar.

The High Lady was very excited about the idea.

This whole discussion got us going about other urban legends.

The High Lady called back with a frightening story about monkey tails.

We also talked about the Tootsie Pop wrapper, ghost impregnation and an upside down mop.

We even heard from a guy who says Wal-Mart is “pimp” for finding ladies, and an old man who has another urban legend.

Enough with the adult-speak, here’s something for the kids:

Steve Schnell and the Summer Activities Report.

Angelina Jolie has her eye on a pregnant woman in a village devastated by an earthquake.

She’s pregnant with twins. And Angelina wants them.

Yours are next…

Thanks to Photoshop Adam for the pic.

Ever see a girl pee like this?

“What am I standing in?”

She is either very talented and you wouldn’t want to shake her hand or she has one of these:

Still hungry for that Chili Cheese Coney?

It’s called the P-Mate. Their site is hilarious, especially this line on when you can use it:

“Travelling – third world toilets can be best avoided.”

“Pee standing! With your panties on!”

They’re marketing a similar device at the Country Stampede.

We asked our female listeners to give their thoughts on this device. Oh yeah, in segment 2, a dude feels the need to weigh in, and even suggest he’d buy some.

Segment 1
Segment 2

Other show highlights:

Sweedish Schoolbody Hansel is headed to the Country Stampede.

Our latest “World Cupdate.”

A guy annoyed by Ice Cream cakes.

An old woman singing happy birthday to her great nephew.

Today’s the start of Country Stampede.

But don’t let the “country” fool you. People who hate country still go to the show for the party, drinking and general whoring around.

To help the uninitiated, we shared Stampede stories this morning.

Want to get pregnant? Go to the port-a-potty.

One caller got into trouble when a baked bean worked itself into an awkward place last year.

Another warned us about being an unwilling participant in a golden shower.

We learned that bondage-types are more prevalent at Stampede than you might think.

This guy plans to get him a little piece of Reba this year, even though she’s not scheduled to be there.

I have a family reunion coming up.

When our parents told us about it, we asked if “Burn Victim” would be there.

This prompted an on-air slew of horrifying nicknames.

It’s Halloween all year long!

America’s Got Talent starts tonight on NBC.

One of our listeners was upset we didn’t share the audition times, and demanded we let him tryout on our show.

Little did Joe know, his Hawaiin shirt decided his fate before he could even crack the mic.

Ever heard the song “Ridin” by Chamillionaire?

He frequently raps “They wanna catch me ridin’ dirty.”

Here’s the definition, courtesy urbandictionary.com.

Driving in an automobile while having at least a felony charge worth of illegal drugs and/or unregistered firearms with you.

I encourage you to check out some of the alternate definitions, as well.

We learned this morning to never question whether someone’s ridin’ dirty.

Last Friday, Photoshop Adam earned “No Stashes. Clean Shaven” on the “John Stossel Pick of the Week.”

Why did he receive such a sorry rating?

He sent out an email that took ten minutes to read and didn’t have any white space between sentences. Impossible to read.

However, he redeemed himself.

First off, check out Stossel in his 100 percent stash brilliance.

Next, check out Stossel sans stash, courtesy Photoshop Adam.

Finally, to top it off…a depressed Photoshop Adam at getting the distinction of “No Stashes. Clean Shaven.”

I highly recommend this first bit.

The Johnny Kaw Radio Show tackled the issue of “The Party Deuce.”

Michael Moore: King of the Party Deuce

An elderly woman called in about her neighbors’ Slip-N-Slide.

I saw a hitchhiker standing in the middle of I-70 yesterday. Neither Chris or I have picked up a hitchhiker, but were eager to find out more about hitchhikers and the people that pick them up.

One caller said they gave Chris a ride once.

Another said he would runover any hitchhiker he sees.

Not “can’t keep it up,” although that problem is surely approaching.

We talked about my long struggle to stay awake Friday night on my way to KC, and shared some different ways to try to stay awake.

Getting knocked up, snorting a (somewhat) legal substance and hair removal topped the list.

Although, one caller took exception to the snorting idea.

The first available audience surveillance photo from a test screening for Gigli

Here’s another edition of “An Old Man.”

And a fun new feature called “Am I dying?”

I’ve been up since 11 last night, so rather than put too much thought into the show, we turned it over to our listeners for a rare “Free for all Friday” edition of the show.

It’s all pretty frightening.

Segment 1 includes a guy with an interesting stat on vending machines.

Segment 2 includes a guy who has a great Indian (dot) impersonation. At least, we think it’s an impersonation.

Segment 3 includes a woman commenting on yesterday’s unicorn caller. Check out me being clever at the end.

“Stop it Bacon! You’re searing my manhood!”

I brought my snowglobe collection in today. I didn’t know it would turn into such a disaster.

Enjoy Father’s Day. I’ll be hitting up Lawrence a bit this weekend and then it’s KC for Father’s Day.

Oops, almost forgot.

Hansel has some thoughts on Father’s Day.

Sorry, I’ve opted to avoid a three-peat Joey Greco photo appearance for the “Snoopers” segment on the website. He just doesn’t deserve to be up there with record-holders Bea Arthur and Louie Anderson just yet.

We had a late meeting last night, and then I consumed a beverage or two which resulted in a rough start for the show.

“The Johnny Kaw Radio Show” addresses cell phone etiquette.

We went on to talk about people who feel the need to snoop on their significant others. In the following two segments, note the lack of response these ladies have to my jokes.

Segment 1

Segment 2

Today’s “Words, with Chris Casey” features the word “unicorn.”

And with that, Alexis managed to make unicorns more gay and frightening at the same time

“Words” prompted an angry phone call from a unicorn fan.

Hope you have time for some heavy listening. No petting, though. That’s not allowed.

MySpace annoys me. It is frequently out of order.

During our “Viewer Mail” segment, I had about as much as I could take. .

This morning, I may or may not have upset a co-worker with a play-on-words joke that he may or may not have understood.

We discussed it, and even the High Lady chimed in.

Notice! The caption above.

This is embarassing: we totally spaced out on New Salesguy Steve’s birthday.

We surprised Steve with a present to make up for it.

We got a taste of our own medicine, when a caller punk’d us.

And a new segment, called “Whas on yo mind?”

Ever feel like you’ve lost touch with your inner-teen?

Worry no more.

“What are the teens up to this time?” Frank Narieola has the answer.

The “Yeah, I’m a teen. Whaddya gonna do about it?” pose

My lease is up at the end of July, and I’m trying to figure out whether to buy a house.

Who better to ask than our audience?

Segment 1.

Segment 2.

The United States starts it’s World Cup play today.

One of our callers says trying to follow the World Cup is a logistical nightmare.

I’m not sure what kind of snack bar they have at the World Cup. But hopefully this guy’s call isn’t an indication.

“Yeah. That’s the stuff.”

There’s a rumor that Long John Silver’s in Manhattan will close to make room for redevelopment. One of our listeners is worried that it won’t re-open anywhere.

“Only LJS can fill the empty hole I call a life.”

Friday night, I accidentally pocket-dialed someone I haven’t talked to in more than a year.

We asked the question “if you pocket-dial someone, are you obligated to call them back apologizing for the pocket dial?

One caller said “no way” because then the pocket dialee will be suspicious.

Another caller said “go for it,” and amazingly we got a caller right after him who pocket dialed us!

Had some recording problems this morning, so you’ll have to wait for Wheezie the Clown to re-appear on the show at a later date.

Hansel’s dad is having computer problems.

Chris and I played tennis yesterday. I had to run across the court and reach for a shot. I two-handed it and launched it over the fence. It landed near a couple that felt the need to picnic way too close to the tennis courts. Needless to stay, I got a stare-down just for landing it near them.

“MY PANCREAS IS EXPLODING!!! FETCH A MEDICINE MAN!!!”

We talked about people overreacting to the smallest things.

Although, this guy’s story doesn’t really qualify.

I came up with the figure that 1 out of 3 men are scum and are willing to cheat on their girlfriends or wives.

The High Lady called in with her thoughts.

If you cheat, Joey Greco will track you down and give you a good staring at.

The Iraqi woman called in with an update on MySpace that’s made her life simpler.

You’ve heard of Eva Longoria, but have you heard of Evan (check out the “n”) Longoria?

Apparently Tampa Bay made him the number 3 overall MLB draft pick.

We wondered “is there any relation to Eva Longoria?”

You’ll be shocked at what we discovered.

Here’s Eva:

And here’s her sick, twisted evil twin brother EVAN:

Chris and I just recorded a new bit. He thinks we should put it on the air, I don’t think that’s a good idea. If anyone can say one way or the other before the show, please do it.

Here’s “Lord of the Rings Superfan explains the movies to Guy Who’s Never Heard of Lord of the Rings.”

Today’s 06/06/06.

The Omen‘s out in theaters to celebrate.

We were freaked out this morning when DeMone the Demon called in.

Which is the real Joan Rivers?

With the whole 666 thing, we took some calls on weird superstitions.

In this segment, we hear about the way to put on your shoes, a pink umbrella and bad hygiene.

In this segment, we find out the propper way to play the lotto, and what to do when you drive over railroad tracks.

On such a dark day, we felt the need to spread some good vibes with “Don’t hate. Appreciate!”

Chris and I saw X-Men 3 today.

Sucked.

***Bonus Weekend Content***

Don’t spray wasp killer indoors.

Why?

Find out here.